In July, it will mark 9 years since we first met with our RE. In that 9 years we have done many treatments, no treatments, foster parenting, IVF, court for guardianship of our niece, and more…
We have had many people give us advice over these 9 years. “Just relax”, “Stop trying and it will happen”, “Once you have your niece it will happen”, etc. I’m sure you’ve all heard those and more.
Out of all of them, the one that probably bothers me the most is, “Don’t give up”. I know this one, like many others comes from a good place, and honestly when I see this one it is usually after a woman who has also been through infertility has a child, adopts a child, etc. They say “It’s all worth it”, and “Don’t give up on your dream, it will happen for you too”.
But here is the thing. If at any point, I decide that I no longer want to actively try to have a child, by treatments, adoption, or otherwise. That does not mean that I am giving up. Giving up makes it sound like infertility won. Like something beat me. Like I’m the one losing. But I believe that when people reach this point, where they have exhausted all their options, and they decide they no longer want to pursue this dream. It’s not giving up. I believe it’s winning. I believe it can be just as powerful as that moment you hold your child in your arms. It’s a birth of a new you. The birth of a person who is no longer burdened with shattered dreams and a broken heart. This new person still carries the scars, and some of the hurt, but they are CHOOSING to move on. Not give up.
For those that believe in God. Maybe you believe that you were destined to be a mother, that God has given you all the things to be an exceptional mother, and you just KNOW that He will give you a child one day. But what about those times, that having a child, is not in God’s plan for you? What if the things you believe were given to you to be a mother, are really for something else, and your search in motherhood is actually standing in the way of what your true calling is. I recently heard a song by MercyMe titled “Even if”. It literally took the breath out of me when I looked it up later and heard the lyrics.
“I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone”
Think about this for a minute. This song is saying that they know God can cure all, and make miracles happen, God can make your pain and sorrow all go away, but even if He doesn’t, you will continue to believe, you will continue to be faithful.
Now, I don’t want this post to bring anyone down, or make them question what they believe God has in store for them, but I want to bring a different side of this dialect out. The side where there are women who never become a mother, they never hold the child they know was meant for them, and they never realize that dream they sacrificed everything for. I choose to believe, that this isn’t giving up. It’s moving on. It’s pursuing a new dream. It’s finding themselves all over again. And for those that believe, it’s choosing to continue to believe in God even when he didn’t give you a child.
I don’t know what I hope to gain from this post, or if it will help anyone else AT ALL. I’m not even saying you should never say, “Don’t give up” to someone. I just think that as a community, we need to remember that not everyone “gets out”, and we have to continue to support the men and women who choose to move on from this journey in their life.
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