Microblog Monday – The Infinite Infertile?

I’ve found a good community of TTC girl through Instagram. I’ve been following waiting on either egg retrieval numbers, fertilization rates, or beta tests for a few girls who are using donor eggs. Most of them have all had great cycles so far, and I find myself being incredibly over joyed for them…

Then, something creeped in. I’m not sure where it came from but it hit hard.

Am I just happy for them because I think I’m going to join them? Am I happy for their success because somehow it feels like it makes my odds better? Would I be as happy for them if our cycle fails?

*gut punch*

The answer is I’m not really sure. I know I am happy for them, and even after 8+ years of infertility, loss, and no children, I am at a place where I have found joy in other pregnancies so I can only assume that a part of me would be happy for them regardless. I pray that even if my cycle doesn’t work, I can continue to support and cheer on my fellow DE Ladies in the same capacity…

Then, someone who has been through countless IVF treatments with no success posted about the potential of them switching to use donor eggs. I told her I would keep her in my prayers and she started following me. She then posted something about following my journey.

I wanted to tell her, “NO”. Don’t follow me. Don’t put your faith in me. Don’t look to me in hopes of being that good donor egg cycle that will give you what you need to move forward in donor eggs. Don’t look for my BFP and believe it can be yours. I have failed people before, I will fail you. I won’t be the success story that gives you hope…

Just as my TTC support group, my friends, and my family all had children and I was left as the only one infertile, there are times where no amount of positive can tell me this will be any different. I feel like at times I am destined to be the infinite infertile

Why can I believe in others but sometimes not myself?
Why can I look at them and their success and not ever truly believe it will happen to me?

I honestly don’t know…all I know is that I just have to keep believing that it can could be might be WILL be me.

#MicroblogMondays

 

 

Microblog Monday – Instagram!

*Whew* I’m exhausted.

With a large family like ours we are always busy on holiday weekends. It started off rough with my Dad finding out his best friend from third grade passed away very unexpectedly. It got better though with time with family and lots of food. I choose to be thankful of all the amazing mother’s I have in my life and not think to much into it as far as my situation.

Sunday morning I sat by the window and watched the birds and squirrels, worked on my new planner, and drank some coffee. My wonderful husband joined me and gave me a very sweet card. We sat there until it was time to leave to go to lunch. It was such a wonderful day.

Also, I got an instagram for this blog!! YAY! I’m going to not only be using it for my IVF journey but also life in general. Please stop by and tell me you’re coming from the blog 🙂

I hope everyone had a great weekend and has a wonderful week! #MicroblogMondays

Microlate Monday – Humbled

*Trigger Warning: Miscarriage mentioned in post. Please come back for another post if you aren’t ready for this one.

Last week was an intense whirlwind. I cried almost every day because of stress at work and I felt out of sorts all week. I am in the middle of a deep spring cleaning of almost everything we own and although it feels good to get things organized it’s stressful for sure.

We are entering a huge audit at work and I was thrown into it at the last minute because things weren’t getting done and have been playing catch up ever since.

Needless to say, by Thursday night I was ready for an alcoholic beverage (and I NEVER drink) and using a personal day on Friday. I battled with whether or not I could really afford (work load wise) to take the day off. After an insightful conversation with my mom I decided I needed to go to work. I couldn’t let the week defeat me.

Friday morning was instant chaos and I was questioning my decision almost immediately. I was in the middle of speaking to an unexpected visitor when one of the supervisors said, “I need to see you in my office”. I instantly almost cried because I could not take one more thing, but as I walked in I noticed the look of worry on her face and she said, “Nothing bad for you, I just need you to take an employee to the hospital, she thinks she is having a miscarriage”.

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. We got a company car and we were on our way. I talked to her on the way there and tried to remember all the things I NEVER wanted to hear and made sure not to say those. I didn’t tell her it would all be ok, and I didn’t dismiss her worry. I knew how she was feeling, I was feeling it too. The rush of it came back like a waterfall over me.

I went back to her room with her (she asked me to) and tried to be as helpful as I could through the IV, and questions. Her boyfriend arrived and I let her know to let me know if she needed anything and then I left. The drive back to work alone was surreal. I have never been on the other side before, not directly anyways. I have never been the one driving to the hospital with a tearful woman next to me, and I have never been the one sitting across from a woman with an IV and gown on.

I said a prayer for her and her baby, and then I thanked God. Thanked Him you asked?? Yes, I thanked Him. For somehow nudging me to not call in to work, for letting me be the one to be there for her. If anyone understands what that feels like, it’s me, and I am thankful I was able to be there as opposed to someone else who may have said all the wrong things in a moment like that.

I have kept her in my prayers and as Sunday came and I remembered it was my angelversary I was humbled. I was a wreck all week at work, ready to throw in the towel and resort to my bed the whole day on Friday, but instead, I received a reminder that things could always be worse, and that I am stronger now for what I’ve been through and that every struggle comes with a lesson.

This week has already been much better (especially since we got election day off on Tuesday) and I am thankful that God has been speaking to me so loudly recently, or for that matter, that I’ve been listening a little better recently.

Microblog Monday – Planner Virgin

#MicroblogMondays

Here are pictures of the wonderful rainbow that I talked about in my last post.

Isn’t she pretty?! 🙂
In another random totally off topic subject I ordered a planner today….eeek…
I’ve decided I want to dive into the world of planners and try to get my life organized. We shall see.
My goal is to start here and eventually get to my filing cabinet that is jammed with outdated papers, my attic full of photos that need scanned and electronically filed, and start to de-cluttering my life even more than I already do.
PS: I’m going to be in the market for a good photo scanner soon (I thought about those bar scanners that don’t take up much room) so if you have any suggestions please let me know! 🙂

The Rainbow

This week has not been an easy one. I got into a very negative head space and didn’t even want to talk to anyone about it. I hid tears from my husband and ignored phone calls that I knew would result in tears. I still don’t know where it came from, but it hit HARD!

I posted to social media finally that I just needed some prayers. I hate doing this because I don’t want people to think I’m seeking attention, but I genuinely just wanted someone, anyone, to say a prayer for me. The outpouring of love I received from everyone was amazing. I finally let me husband see me cry a little and he just kissed my forehead and reminded me that he is always here.

I can’t say enough how beyond blessed I am for him, I can’t even let my brain go to a place where I have a world where he doesn’t exist.

Yesterday my best friend got home from a business trip and I rushed over to see her. We go weeks sometimes without seeing each other but after she gets home from trips to other states I always miss her just a little more. I guess it’s because I know while she’s gone that I couldn’t see her, even if I wanted to. It was a wonderful visit as always and I even got some snuggles from her little girl and it was enough to bring me to tears. I call her my little ray of sunshine.
Then on our way home, we started seeing a rainbow. As we got closer to home it got brighter, the brightest I have ever seen a rainbow. Then it made a full arch and turned into a double rainbow. It was beautiful.

I’m sure many of you know that they say babies you give birth to after a miscarriage are “rainbow babies”. What you don’t know is that yesterday I had a talk with God. I asked that He hear my prayer and that He give me peace. I asked that He bring me out of this darkness I’ve been in all week. Well, I believe He delivered, and in a big way. I got chills when I saw this rainbow and I believe God is telling me our rainbow is coming.

My husband without me saying a word said, “Seems like a sign to me”. He knew I had been feeling down and how much I love rainbows, the sky and sunsets. So he drove to find an opening and pulled over to let me get out and take pictures. I took some with my nice Nikon that I’ll post at a later date but I wanted to share the ones I got from my phone.



“I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.”  —Genesis 9:13-15 

What Im Listening to Wednesday ♫

I decided to try something new. I LOVE music. Not just the radio in the car either. I surround myself with music for the majority of my day. I have my phone plugged in while I’m in the car, I listen to it at work with head phones, and I have a wireless speaker at home so I can listen to it while I’m getting ready or in the shower. I also invested in a sound bar for the TV so while I’m cleaning the house or making dinner I will turn on the Apple TV and since I subscribe to iTunes match all my music is automatically on that and I can listen there too.

I also would like to think I have a pretty wide range of music taste. So, I have decided I want to start listing the songs I’m listening to on here. Not sure if I’ll do it once a week or once a month yet, my playlist changes enough I could probably do it once a week.

I have  link to my Top 5 YouTube Playlist. I understand not everyone might like some of this music but to each their own 🙂

Youtube Playlist
  • From the Cast of Empire – Good People
    I described why I like this so much in detail on my last blog.
  • Blake Shelton – Came Here to ForgetI just adore Blake. I have listened to him since he
    first started and had that wonderful mullet. hehe!
  • Nick Jonas – CloseThis one will probably be cycled out soon.
    I liked it at first but it’s getting on my nerves a bit.
  • A$AP Rocky – L$DI love the beat to this one.
    This one may not be for everyone but I enjoy it’s dirtiness.
  • Rihanna – Kiss it Better ***EXPLICIT VIDEO***Sexy song! Need something for that “bedroom playlist”? This is it.

Microblog Monday – Not Yet

As I referenced in our last blog I was struggling with the lack of progress in our pursuit of donor eggs. The nurse called us and gave us information on two potential donors that she received paperwork on finally. We weren’t over joyed by either donor and we are leaving it in God’s hands. We told the nurse to process them as usual and we will see where we are when they are approved fully. We are hoping someone else comes up in the mean time. We don’t want to sound ungrateful but I feel as though it was God’s way of telling us that she is out there, we just have to keep waiting. It’s comforting knowing that women are responding and are good candidates, now we just feel like we have to wait for the one that is right for us.

On another note.

My husband and I are big “Empire” fans.

*Spoiler Alert – Trigger Warning (Miscarriage)* if you haven’t watched the new season…

The oldest son and his wife lost their baby after someone pushed her down the stairs (trying to cause harm to her and her unborn child).

The way they have handled the emotions surrounding the loss has been very well done in my opinion. The mother has been questioning her faith and if God exists because as she was laying at the bottom of the stairs she pleaded with God to keep her baby safe, even if it meant He has to take her instead.

The father has continued strong in his faith but he is battling a mental illness and you see the pain but also you see him trying to just stay strong for his wife even though he is struggling so much himself.

In the latest episode his brothers sang him a song they wrote to try and ease the pain of his loss. I have now downloaded this from iTunes and listen to it daily. It’s a great reminder that although bad things do happen to good people, there is always a reason. “It’s in the plan.”

 

I cried as I watched how they portrayed the emotions, the pain, and even a little hope. The song itself continues to give me comfort. It reminds me to pray. It reminds me to keep looking to God for the answers we are seeking.

Thank you to those of you who reached out to me after the last post.
It means more than you’ll ever know.

Microblog Monday – Not Now or Not Ever

I had a deep conversation with my RE this week because I ended up calling him after I felt like the nurse wasn’t really answering my questions. I NEVER do this, in all the years of going to him, I have never once felt so frustrated that I called him directly. Well, until last week. I just felt like every time I spoke to the nurse she was giving me the same answers. “We sent out paperwork last week to quite a few potential donors and we will keep you in the loop if we hear anything.” I feel like I’ve heard this a million times now. Every time I call it’s the same answer. The only time she hasn’t said that was to tell me that two potential donors she called said unfortunately they were pregnant, one with twins.

(SIDE NOTE) Now while I have gotten to a point in my life where pregnancy announcements don’t bother me, these did. I have realized logically that someone else being pregnant, doesn’t affect my ability to be pregnant, that it just really isn’t about me. Their joy and pregnancy is theirs, they didn’t steal mine. This felt different, because in reality, by them being pregnant, it meant it did affect my ability to be pregnant (or get their eggs to TRY to become pregnant).

 

I expressed all of this to my doctor, and how I felt like I wasn’t getting enough of the right information and too much of the wrong information.He totally understood and as always he was prompt in calling me back after looking into a few things and left me feeling much better about it all. He agreed that the nurse should be keeping me in the loop more and even called Friday to leave me a voicemail about two potential donors although one is immediately crossed off my list because she is 30 years old. We were really hoping for a younger donor. The other donor was 23 so she might be a good candidate.
But, this got me thinking…and it was something I said when I was talking to my doctor and once again, my brain caught up to my heart. I said, “This is already such a big sacrifice on my part, such a hard decision, and the difficulty in even finding a donor has left me feeling like it’s God’s way of telling me it’s not what we should be doing”. You see, the truth is, that since my second miscarriage in 2009, I have just accepted this reality and gotten to a point where I have made myself believe that God is telling me I won’t be a mother. Every attempt we have taken since then has felt like someone else’s life. When we fostered children, although rewarding, we totally lost ourselves in it. I got to a point where I became someone I didn’t even know. It just didn’t feel like us.
#MicroblogMondays
I struggle with this so much. I believe in God, and I believe that he has a path for us. I have prayed and prayed about what that path should be and it’s led us here. I guess I just don’t trust myself enough to know if it’s really God, or if it’s just me.  I cried uncontrollably on the phone with my mother that night and asked her, “How do I know if God is telling me not now, or not ever…
I don’t know.

I continue to pray and hope for an answer, a clear answer.

Microblog Monday – A Letter

#MicroblogMondays

Last year my husband left a note at my desk (we work together). I remember reading it and knowing how special it was at the time, but this morning I was cleaning out my desk and found it and read it again. How did I get so lucky? We have been together for almost 11 years…and he still surprises me and makes me fall in love with him a little more every day.

For those of you who haven’t had almost 11 years to practice reading his hand writing, it says…

“I love you more than you will ever know. You are my world and I can’t wait for next year so we can finally write the chapter of our lives we’ve waited so long to write. You said you can’t wait to make me a dad, well I can’t wait to make you the mommy you so deserve to be and the mommy you’ve waited your whole life to become. I love you Darlin!”

*insert ugly cry face here*

This man…even if I am never a Mom. I thank God for sending me my husband. If it ends up just being me and him, I know we will be okay.

Microblog Monday – Glorying the Gone

Why do we glorify things after they are gone?

For example:
We talk about ex’s and how wonderful the relationship was, when in reality maybe they cheated on you, you fought all the time, or maybe it just wasn’t that great.
We think of friendships that have ended, we may even consider trying to re-kindle the friendship. But how did we forget that they weren’t there in our time of need, or why the friendship ended in the first place? They didn’t show up for x, y, and z, and were usually always busy unless it was something that would benefit them.

I have found myself praising the times I had with my foster children last year, wishing they were back in my home. What I forget are the nights that were spent crying and angry and confused. Some of these children broke me down to my core with harsh words, and their parents could be a countless times worse. Yet, there are days, that I wish we were still fostering.

This is where it gets touchy… People that have passed away. Once people are gone we choose to remember only the good things about that person. Obviously that’s what we all want. To be remember fondly, but what if, when that person was here, you weren’t fond of them. Maybe you had a falling out, maybe they are that family member that only brought drama and fighting, maybe they were a drug addict, an abuser, etc. Maybe you knew them in school and they were the one that bullied you, made you cry. Maybe they were your ex and the relationship ended horribly, there was cheating or abuse.

#MicroblogMondays
I believe, it’s because we are all broken people, loving other broken people.
In the heat of the moment it is sometimes easy to walk away, it’s easy to forget a friend and scorn a lover. But what happens when they are gone? When the anger and the pain are gone. What happens when that person isn’t here anymore to be angry at? What happens when you have pushed them so far away they won’t ever come back?
We are left with pictures of the good times, love letters from a happier time, memories of the times you spent with them, and it’s never enough
I believe this is the huge reason there are funerals, and why people send flowers. It’s to apologize for being broken, and not forgiving that person at some time in their life, for being broken too. I guess what I’m getting at, and what has been on my mind, is that glorifying those that are gone isn’t a bad thing, but we should try to work a little harder on doing it while they are still here.
Maybe if we sent flowers to our friends who are still here and supporting us, maybe if we wrote a few more loves letters to our significant others, and maybe if we took a little extra time to visit loved ones and call them for no reason, we wouldn’t have so many regrets when they are gone.

It took losing a lot of people, two miscarriages, and grief counseling for me to get to this point. I did a lot of crying, had a lot of regrets, and sent a lot of flowers to funeral homes before I figured it out. I’m not saying I don’t have regrets, and I’m sure I will continue to have some, but it is my hope, that when the ones I love leave, that they will know how much they meant to me, they will go with the memories of flowers I sent while they were still here, they will easily be able to recall times we have spent together.

Life is too short to have so much pride you can’t forgive the brokenness of others.