She Will Not Have my Eyes.

I was 22 with two miscarriages in my history when I found out I would probably need to use donor eggs. So while I was just getting used to the fact that I could buy my own alcohol, I was told that any preconception of an idea I had for a family would probably not happen. Over 9 years I grew, I changed, over and over again. I found myself, and lost myself, and found myself again. I experienced life, loss, and more of the same. Through all that time, whether we were actively thinking of TTC or not, the thought was never far from my mind that I may never have the child I had longed dreamed of.

When we started our journey over 9 years ago we never expected to have two losses very quickly and to be told to make the choice between enduring the risks of using my eggs or making the choice to use donor eggs. We never expected that when we finally took the leap of IVF with donor eggs that we would then endure two more losses.

But here I am. All struggles, and current risks aside, I am pregnant, and my baby girl is possible because of a woman, who chose selflessly, to give her eggs to a faceless couple she had never met. She chose to put her body through more than necessary in order to give us 25 eggs. Out of those 25 eggs, 10 embryos thrived, and after three transfers, 7 of those embryos were given the possibility of life, while the other three remain cryopreserved. Out of those 7 transferred embryos, we are now carrying our one miracle baby.

A little girl. My daughter.

Infertility brings us all to the point where we have to decide what our limits are. Some women stop at the line of pursuing medications, some never want to consider IVF, donor eggs, donor sperm, adoption, etc. Everyone has to make the decision that they can live with.

For us, using donor eggs was never something we struggled with. I won’t lie and tell you there hasn’t been moments of sadness that I will not see what my genetics will look like mixed with my husbands, it is just not something I typically put much thought into.

I do not shy away from talking about our donor, or my child’s link to her. I am open and up front with telling anyone who makes comments like “she will probably have (insert one of my features here)”, about the donor that made her possible. While I respect that some people can’t, or won’t be as open about their donor egg journey as I’ve been, I am incredibly grateful to have a very supportive family and circle of people in my life, and I want to share this part of our journey openly with anyone who will listen.

When I remind people of the donor, I often get replies like, “I just don’t think of that” or my least favorite, “Well that really doesn’t matter, she is still YOURS,”. I cringe at this one, because it DOES matter, and the fact that it does matter, does not make her less “mine”. I am thankful for the technology that makes all this possible, I am obviously undoubtedly thankful for the donor who gave her eggs, and I am immeasurably thankful to God for this life I have been given.

I want my daughter to grow up knowing that someone in this world, was kind enough to give her the gift of life. I want her to know that there is good in the world. I want her to know about all the pain and struggle we endured for her to be here, and I want her to know that despite it all that she is a reality. I want her to know that it doesn’t make her any less “mine”, or any less herself. That who she is will not be defined by the physical traits that do or do not look like the ones around her. She will never have to know what it feels like to fear being herself. She will never have to hide her truth from me. She will never have to question if my love for her will withstand the mistakes she will make.

She will not have my eyes, but she will have my unconditional love.



This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.


Cervix Checks, Bed Rest, and Suppositories, OH MY!

Sorry for the dumb title. It is literally the best I could come up with. And trust me, I tried quite a few. Feel free to comment below with better ideas that I missed just for fun LOL!

I am writing this blog from home, where I have been on modified bed rest since a few days shy of 21 weeks, I have been hospitalized over night once since my last blog, and I am now having cervical checks twice a week.

So now to rewind a little. My last blog post I stated that my cervix was measuring short at my anatomy scan (February 5th) and that there was funneling. I was put on progesterone suppositories and was scheduled for a check up the following Friday (February 9th). When I went in for my vaginal ultrasound I could tell the funneling was significantly worse and the shortening was obvious to even me. When the doctor came in to check my cervix she said it was not dilated and apparently that surprised her a great deal. My cervix had gotten significantly worse in just four days. Now, despite what I had read, and stories I had heard, because I have no previous history of pre-term labor or cervical issues, I was told they would not do a cerclage until I started to dilate. The risks were just far too high if they didn’t know for sure that my cervix wouldn’t stay closed. At first I was very angry, but now, I truly feel like they made the best decision.

I was hospitalized that day for over night observation because the doctors truly believed that because of the drastic change they were seeing in just four days I wasn’t far from dilating. Well, I was sent home the next day and scheduled for bi-weekly checks for dilation. I just had my 5th check since my hospitalization this morning and my cervix is still closed and very firm. I think my doctors, and especially my husband and I are very pleasantly surprised that is the case. They have not done another vaginal ultrasound to look at the funneling because they have said it’s insignificant if my cervix is staying closed on the outside.

We spoke today of the plan going forward since I am almost 24 weeks. On Monday (March 5th) I am scheduled for a growth ultrasound (for marginal cord insertion which is something they found in the anatomy scan that they didn’t really tell me about in great detail until later due to all the other chaos) and a cervical check with my MFM. After that scan I will meet with my OB for my regular 24 week check up. I will then be seen by my OB every two weeks for cervical checks (unless I get symptoms of dilation or labor in which I will then be seen immediately), I will also be seen every 4 weeks for growth ultrasounds by the MFM. I will also be off work until she arrives.

If at anytime I have pre-term labor issues or cervical dilation I will be admitted to the hospital, given steroids, and that’s where I will be until she gets here.

My anxiety and fear are definitely a very large part of this pregnancy journey but I am trying my best to not let them be the driver. I am trying to put them in the trunk and ignore their banging and clanking as I hit bumps on this road. I try to focus on my very healthy little girl who is kicking me almost constantly now, I try to focus on all of the beautiful things I have ordered for her nursery and look through the clothes that I have had the courage to purchase.

I could write a novel on my complex emotions regarding this whole situation. It is hard not to be angry and bitter than I fought so long and so hard to get to this point and now I still can’t “enjoy” this pregnancy and I have to live with this fear basically until she gets here. But, I like to try and stay positive as much as possible, and I like to believe that I have been put on this path for a reason. Wether it be for me, for the doctors, or maybe just sharing my journey will help one other person advocate for things they feel they want checked and can prevent them discovering issues too late to do anything about them.

A very good friend that I have met through this community went through a devastating loss when her cervix was discovered to be dilated and it was too late for them to put in the cerclage. Because of her story, I have advocated my whole pregnancy for this to be checked. In my 9 years of infertility I never knew that this was even something that could happen. But just before this pregnancy it became obvious that it was something I wanted them to check. While I don’t think the loss she endured was “for me” and I wish with everything that I could change what she went through, I truly believe she was put in my life for a reason. Thousands of miles away she made a difference in my life. She continues to be an amazing supporter of mine and I feel like I owe her far more than I could ever give in return. By sharing her story, and her life with me, she might have just saved my little girl’s life. I just wish I could have done the same for her.

The out pouring of love and support from my family, friends, and this community has been over whelming. If it weren’t for the people in my life supporting my husband, niece and I as we readjust our lives to me not being able to do all the things I usually do, I just don’t know how we could make it through this.

My mom has been doing all the grocery shopping and deep cleaning of my house, my husband now cooks almost all meals and keeps the general upkeep of the house up, and my niece has basically sacrificed doing anything fun unless she is with someone else because I can’t walk for long distances, stand too long. or lift anything. She is extremely active and I feel so bad that she spends most nights on the couch watching TV with us or helping me around the house. Friends come to keep me company, and the amount of texts and calls I get asking how I am is incredible. I am immeasurably blessed.

I apologize for the long, rambling blog but I wanted to share what has been going on in my absence as well as document this part of my journey. I hope if you are reading this you are well, and that life is treating you kindly. Thank you to everyone who has been supporting us, praying for us, and cheering us on as we push through this journey.

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

Anatomy Scan

We had our anatomy scan today. Everything they were able to see looked perfect for baby girl. The MFM Dr. said growth percentiles were perfect (she weighs about 12oz) and all looked well.

They weren’t able to get a good view of the heart so they wanted me to come back. But apparently they refer all IVF patients for an Echo so she said we will do that and if that is good they won’t need pictures.

Now for the difficult part. Because of course after 9 years why would it all go as planned!? I have been asking my OB to check my cervix for quite some time. I was basically told there is no real reason to and it would be checked today. I had to ask twice because the ultrasound tech didn’t do it so the doctor took me back and did it.

Cervix was only measuring between 1.7/1.9. We also saw some slight funneling down to the 1.7 but she said my cervix is closed. The Dr. said she wants me to start Progesterone suppositories today and we will recheck on Friday after my Echo. She did discuss the cerlage and bed rest but said we would wait and see what happens Friday. If you have any experience or positive stories I would really appreciate them right now. I think the most frustrating part is that I have been asking for this to be checked since my 12 week appointment. I feel like the whole time they brushed me off. Now here I am looking at possible surgery and bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy and I’m terrified. I know it’s good we caught it now and I have faith that the MFM will make the right call it’s just so frustrating. I will put the good profile picture we got on her separate page if you’d like to see it. I’m happy that she is looking good and I am definitely not over looking that.

Busy Season

I have a few random topics I want to blog about but work has gotten progressively busy ramping up for audit season, and our niece is in the middle of swim season so between practice and meets I am pretty distracted. I am sick of the cold weather and ready for sunshine!

So I’ll just put a little update here. It will mostly be pregnancy related so feel free not to read if that’s not going to serve you well in your current place of your journey. The posts I have planned are not pregnancy related and you can feel free to wait for those.

Since our scare last weekend I have had no more bleeding. I followed up with my OB and all was well, and I’ve been able to find baby girl on the doppler every morning. I am pretty sure I am starting to feel real movements too so that is surreal and weird, and also very wonderful.

I have finally found the nursery furniture and color scheme/decor that I want, now I just have to order it. I’m still a bit cautious but I know after the 20 week scan (a week from today)  I really need to get on it. I also haven’t even thought about a registry yet and oh yea, the nursery is still my closet and catch all room so I have to completely clear that room out still….

Other than that my husband has been amazing and supportive and he deserves at least a whole post about how thankful I am for our partnership in life and love. So for now, I will just say, I am so happy to have him by my side and my love for him grows every single day.

I hope you all are well and prayers are always appreciated for our scan next week. ♥

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

FEARFULLY & wonderfully made.


I have been trying to write this blog all morning. I’m not sure why it’s so hard to just say it, but years of pain and loss, paired with knowing the journey many of you are on make it hard for me to blissfully say that…


I’m Pregnant.


16 weeks and 1 day pregnant to be exact. Yes, we’ve been keeping this secret for a while. We had our FET on October 6, 2017 and transferred two excellent quality embryos, and one not so great quality (because why not). Out of those three, we got one healthy baby.

It has not be an uneventful journey. We first dealt with weird betas, then lots of spotting, loss of symptoms, more spotting, and yet, here we are.

Yesterday we did our gender reveal with our friends and family and also found out, we are having a Girl. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life. We have had a name picked for years and she will be known as Baby A on the blog.

Pregnancy after loss, is extremely hard. I pray every day and ask God that this baby makes it to June. I have been lucky in that I have been able to find baby on the doppler very easy since about 12 weeks so that helps a little but I still fear the unknown.

Thank you all for your love and support. I will be keeping most of the updates on a separate page on the blog so that I won’t over due it here. Our next big milestone is the 20 week scan with MFM on February 5th.

Thinking and praying for all of you, wherever you are in your journey.

I didn’t really feel like writing today. With the hustle of the holiday I am feeling slightly overwhelmed. I have only purchased about 3 things on our list and I’m stressed about how I’m going to get all of the shopping and wrapping done. I don’t even know what to get certain people…*sigh*

Then my husband sent me this in text just now.

Breathe – Jonny Diaz

Such a wonderful reminder to just take a step back, and breathe.

God, I don’t know what I did in my life to deserve this faithful, strong, man of God. He is everything I dreamed of when I was growing up and so much more than I ever thought was realistic. I am beyond my words thankful for having him by my side.

So if you are overwhelmed, stressed, or just feeling like this holiday season is going to get the best of you; Just breathe.

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

Sometimes I Feel Lucky

We have now been on this journey for over 9 years. While our treatments were not consistent over those 9 years, our longing for a child was. Over those 9 years not only have I explored many options of TTC, but I’ve also met countless women and heard their stories, and followed their journey.

There are so many different versions out there of the same story. It all starts simple with a woman wanting a child. The many branches off that initial tree are endless after that.

When I look at my branch, sometimes between the length of time, the number of losses, and the young age at which I was faced with the fact I would probably never have my own biological child, it seems like my story is harder than most. I’ve had friends and family members that I am their only reference to infertility and miscarriage. In my immediate family and group of friends I am the only one left childless. In my darkest hours, I wonder if my family and friends just wish I would move on from this part of my life and quit causing myself and everyone else so much pain.

But then, something, or someone reminds me to take a step back and look at the whole tree. I think of all the ways my story, my branch, took a good turn, when it very easily could have gone the other way.

  • I have had two hsg tests, an both were perfect. My RE says I have a wonderful uterus. I am one of the lucky ones.
  • I got pregnant twice, with my own eggs, after only three medicated cycles each time. I am one of the lucky ones.
  • I got 25 eggs from our donor, which resulted in 10 almost perfect embryos. I am one of the lucky ones.
  • Blood draws, PIO shots, or needles in general, don’t bother me. Shots are easy for me and I have never once resented them for being the path I have to take. I am one of the lucky ones.
  • Both of my first transfers, resulted in positive pregnancy tests, one of which I even got to see a heartbeat, and movement. I am one of the lucky ones.
  • My family, and friends are supportive of not only our journey but our pursuit with donor eggs. I have never had to hide this from anyone or feared their reaction. No one makes me feel like donor eggs make my potential children any less mine. I am one of the lucky ones.

You get the point. For everything listed above, I know countless women who didn’t get those results. Women who were told that their uterus wouldn’t sustain a pregnancy. Women who pursued donor eggs and still were left with nothing. Women who have never seen a positive test, let alone a heartbeat. Women who cry at every shot or prick of a needle.

So has my journey been hard, absolutely. But could it always be worse, yes. Now while I don’t let that minimize my very real pain and heartbreak, and you shouldn’t either. It’s sometimes helpful to take inventory for all the things I am thankful for, because sometimes, those things are the only thing that keep me pursuing this dream.

I’m not going to say, “it could always be worse”, because it’s all completely awful. The fact that so many wonderful, deserving, women have to endure so much pain is unfathomable to me. The fact that bad things happen to good people, is just simply not fair.

So wherever you fall on this tree, this unfair, and difficult journey. I am sending you love and healing prayers. May you find what you are looking for.

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

Crippling Anxiety

A small update from my last post. I was able to talk to a very nice gentleman at CombiMatrix out of CA (the place that did our genetics test for our last loss) and the $6,750.00 they said I owed was reduced to $400. At first he got a little snippy and said they were going to send it to collections because of how long they had this bill (which in reality was actually only maybe 3 months), but when I snipped back at him and told him that we had lost our baby and I wasn’t in the mood to talk about a 7 thousand dollar bill for that loss he was very kind, apologized, and gave me the new owed amount. Within a couple days I had a letter in the mail stating the account was settled and with that the last step of “closure” from our loss was done.

One thing I am learning about myself, is that this last loss, combined with all the others, my anxiety is much worse than it used to be. I think when I try to analyze it, it’s because I was so blind sided by this last loss. We went in for our 10 week ultrasound and what should have been our last appt. with our RE. We took in this big obnoxious edible arrangement with balloons and everything (which only made me feel like even more of a fool later), and we laughed and smiled as our RE started the ultrasound only to be swiftly kicked on our ass. If I could forget my husband’s face and his voice asking “What?” over and over again, I would pay money to. It still makes me sick to my stomach to relive those few moments.

That feeling of “just knowing” that everything was going to be ok, and then finding out that it actually hadn’t been fine for quite a few days, makes me feel betrayed by my body in the worst way.

As we are in the process of our third FET, I am finding that I don’t trust my body anymore. I don’t trust that it’s going to do what it’s supposed to. I don’t trust that I’m ok, even if I feel ok, and fears of things like unknown cancers, terminal illnesses, etc. seem to be normal now. I feel like their is some unknown illness inside my body that they just haven’t discovered yet.

I find that sometimes I get so overwhelmed I spend more time in my room, in my bed, hiding from the world. Now, I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, or worrying about me. I am still working full time, I take care of my niece, and we still go to family events. But on nights when I would normally sit and watch TV in the living room, I feel more comfortable in my bed. When my friends ask about getting together, I am more inclined to say no, or just want a quiet movie night inside instead.

I think it will be a long time before I will trust my body again. If ever. I don’t know that a successful pregnancy would even help. I can imagine I would be crippled by anxiety every day, wondering if something had happened and I just didn’t know it yet.

I’m trying my best, and I feel like for the most part, I have healed from the loss, but I think that this one left a few more scars than the first three, and that those will take longer to fade.

Prayers to you and yours, wherever you are in your journey.

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

Non Update

So I have a bit of an excuse for being gone for a while. My computer wouldn’t load anything on my blog, but when I’d sign into the mobile app everything was still there. I hate writing blogs on my phone so I didn’t. I kept up with your updates but didn’t comment because once again…mobile. And it’s a pain.

Things have been a little hectic but not bad. My niece made A/B honor roll in school, she is doing archery and the swim team will start up soon. My husband’s father’s mother (they weren’t close so he doesn’t call her grandma) passed away so we attended the memorial service in IL which made for a long weekend basically hanging out at the hotel.

Halloween was fun. I ordered some stuff to do some special fx makeup on my neice. She was red riding hood with wolf scratches. It turned out really cool, especially for my first time messing with modeling wax and blood gel.

I have been avoiding it, but I need to call the place that did the genetics testing for our loss in June. They are saying I owe them $6,700!!!! Yea….not happening…

So not much of an update but wanted to just pop in for a minute. I hope you all are well!

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