Balloons in the Clouds

I have so many things I feel like I want to say but as always feel like I don’t have the time to find the words, or maybe they just aren’t there yet.

The past few weeks have been crazy with amazing things, as well as filled with worry and uncertainty.

Our niece surprised me by painting me a portrait of our dog Ruger that passed last year with the biggest Mother’s Day card I’ve ever seen and the sweetest message written on the envelope. I spent the day watching her play and laugh and feeling like the day was peaceful and bittersweet.

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We released balloons for her Mother in Heaven and I sent a silent prayer to her and thanked her for blessing me with this amazing little girl. She truly is my light. I wish I could explain the way she has changed my life.

I faintly remember years ago, after suffering our second miscarriage my sister-in-law let our niece spend Mother’s Day with me, and we released balloons to my angel babies and the day felt just a little less empty. Who would have known all these years later we would stand there together, a child without a mother, a mother without a child, somehow both now having both sending their love to angels in Heaven that made us who we are.

We will celebrate her graduating 6th grade next Monday, and we will spend Tuesday and Wednesday out of town with the 6th grade class for a end of year trip. Just seeing the email about her graduation had me in tears.

Life continues to buzz on and between swim practice three times a week, work, and family it never slows down. I hope you all are well and as always thanks for taking time to read ❤

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

MM: NIAW – Listen Up

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. As an infertile for over 8 years, and someone who has suffered trough more tests, needle pokes, ultrasounds, and more I feel like I should be an expert at talking about infertility but I just can never find the words.

If you would like to read a more eloquent post head over to Starbucks, Peace, and the Pursuit of a Baby where she put up a very great post about statistics, resources and more.

I have documented most of our journey on this blog…even though I just recently converted it over to Word Press the posts themselves have been going for quite some time now. This blog has never made me famous, I have never had thousands of followers, and I have never been featured anywhere fancy or had anyone ask me to guest post. The majority of people I meet through this blog go on to have healthy pregnancies, babies, and some even abandon their blog and I don’t talk to them again.

Some of us are put in each other’s life for only a moment, and some of us are blessed to get long term friendships from this community. But this week and every week, I hope that everyone knows that I am here, fighting with you, and you are not alone.

For more about us and our journey feel free to check out our bio here. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions!

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

 

What I Wish I Could Say

Dear Biological Father,

There are so many things I want to say to you, but you see my mother raised me to be the “bigger person”. When I was younger I thought that meant I had to be a push-over but I learned there is a fine line in standing up for yourself and stooping to someone else’s level. Well, it is time I stood up not only for myself, but for your daughter, and I know you’ll never read this, but the universe needs to hear  it, and I need to say it.

When your daughter’s mother passed away we knew instantly that everything would change. Her mother made her wishes known that she wanted her daughter to live with us if anything were to ever happen to her. Those thoughts were confirmed when the first thing your daughter said to us after getting home from the hospital is that she wanted the same thing.

Over the next 6 months we answered the phone every single time you called , which wasn’t much, and sometimes had to sit back and watch as you “bullied” your 11 year old daughter into tears. While most of the time you still treat her like a small child instead of the intelligent young lady she is now, sometimes you forget you are talking to a child, your child, and you say selfish and hurtful things. Maybe you think that she will feel bad, and you will “win”, but I assure you that you are the one losing. As you push her further away you are not getting the chance to know just how amazing she is.

We tried to talk to you, reason with you, help you. We offered to help in any way we could to facilitate a good relationship between the two of you, but we remained firm that we would not only honor her mother’s wishes but her wishes as well for her to live with us. We told you we did not want money, we just wanted what was best for her, and although you may not agree with us, we know that being with us, and the only family she has ever truly known, is what is best for her.

There are times I have felt sorry for you. Maybe you never had the relationships she has with her family when you were younger, so you don’t understand that what you have been giving her is never going to be enough. Maybe you truly don’t know that as the parent it is your job to make a valiant effort to be in her life, even if she pushes you away, even if you argue and fight, it is your job to love her anyways. That is what being a parent means.

I thought once you heard her tell the judge why she feels the way she does, you would wake up. You would see that you have made mistakes and take action to correct that, but it is consistently made obvious that you don’t seem to be listening to her at all. Maybe you hear her, but are you really listening?

I know you are angry, and I would assume you are hurt, but honestly I can’t see that. Your anger is the only thing I see. But I will not apologize. I will never be sorry for taking every step necessary to do what I believe is best for her. I will never apologize for fighting for her, and for her future. I will not feel bad for assuring that she has a happy, healthy, and successful life.

You can tell everyone that you were “robbed” and that your “rights were taken from you”, but the truth is, we were fighting a losing battle. We are just her aunt and uncle and in every law you are preferred. So while you will prefer to place blame on us for “taking her”, we gave you the chance, and had you taken it, the outcome would probably have been much different.

I have allowed you to “shush” me over the phone, and I have heard the distaste in your voice when you say my name, but I don’t care. I don’t care if you like me, or respect me, but you will respect your daughter. Now that the court has made their decision, and we are her legal and permanent guardians, I can assure you that I will not allow you to disrespect her anymore. I will honor her mother and I will protect and love her without reservation.

Sincerely,
Me

PS: I meant what I said, I hope that you can find a way to put your pride aside and have a good relationship with your daughter, but if you don’t, you will be the only one to blame.

 

But What if We Lose…

Last night I stayed up late, binge watching Gotham on Netflix then laying in bed watching Youtube videos to try and occupy my mind. Unfortunately, and inevitably my eyes grew heavy and tired and I gave in and shut my phone off, said a little prayer, and drifted off to sleep.

The minute I woke up this morning my chest felt like an elephant was sitting on it, there was a giant lump in my throat and I laid there tossing and turning, hoping to slow the minutes until I had to get out of bed.

I can only assume, the next two nights and morning following this one will be the same. You see, we have court Wednesday morning at 9:00am for permanency guardianship for our niece. Our guardianship is being contested by her biological father that only shares a few memories with her and a name on a birth certificate.

When I look at her, all I see is worry. She has told me how scared she is to go to court and she doesn’t know what she will do if she has to move. She has cried and held my hand much more in the past few days. She hugs us every moment she gets, squeezing tight and saying “I love you”. She asks us if we are okay.

And I am fucking terrified. (Please excuse my language)

This is by far the scariest moment of my entire life. I have lost a lot in my life and death has been a thief to many I love, including my own children, but the thought of potentially losing her, it feels like someone is tapping on my chest wall, just ready to rip it out.

We have many people in our corner, including a “mediator” attorney who was assigned to be an objective person to the case who weighed heavily in our favor, a letter from the school she has been attending regarding her outstanding performance and participation at school, and lots of family. But there is always that chance that because he is her biological father that he automatically has some sort of right to her. Even though my husband has been, and continues to be a bigger presence in her life that her biological father ever has been.

Please keep us in your prayers. Please pray that she is able to continue her life with us and that we will get final and clear answers on Wednesday and this won’t continue and hang over our head. Thank you all for your continued support. I promise I will update as soon as I’m able on Wednesday.

“Our Name”

While I think the time away was needed, there were times where I wanted to come write and tell others of how life was going, but I just didn’t have the time, or the energy, or maybe both. The last few months have been a wild ride. One bad thing after another, with tiny glimmers of hope sprinkled in. I hate to re-hash it all and most of it I have covered either here, or on Instagram so I will just leave it be.

While we still don’t have any definite answers on the permanency of our niece living with us, it seems as though things are still moving in our direction. She is thriving in school, making all A’s and B’s, and is adjusting well to life with us. She continues to be a bright spot in our lives and while I would assume I should be telling you how going from zero children to an 11 year old was somehow incredibly life changing, it feels as though she has been there all along. It feels normal.

We have a FET scheduled for early next year we are just keeping the details of that private. I am excited and optimistic. We have 8 beautiful embryos on ice and I just know that our baby is in there.

And it happened…The thing that we all hope we can avoid, we know is inevitable, but somehow, in our 8+ years of infertility I have never had happen to us, until now. “Our name” got used. I put that in quotes because I know that realistically you can’t claim a name as your own, but we have been lucky that in all of these years of waiting, no one we knew closely, used a name we were set on. We have not openly shared our names, and they really haven’t changed in all of these years. The middle names have changed, and we added secondary names once we started IVF because we knew the likelihood of twins was higher, but for the most part our names have remained a nice little piece of this puzzle that we have managed to keep to ourselves. Until today…today a little girl was born, and she was given “our” girl name. I would be lying if I said it didn’t sting a little. My husband and I picked that name for very sentimental reasons and this person seemed to just pick a name. But somehow, I have a certain peace about it. A part of me tells me that we will end up with a boy and it won’t matter, and the other part of me really doesn’t care because if we do have a baby girl, she will still get that name, and it will still mean all the same things to us. I am happy this little girl entered the world healthy and with a beautiful name, and I hope that one day she can share her namesake with another little girl and that can be something they can bond over.

I have tried to keep up on blogs and pages but it is hard. I feel like I barely have time to answer my phone these days so please know I continue to pray for all those in waiting, celebrate with those who receive their miracles, and mourn with you on your losses. Best wishes from me to you. Until next time… ❤ #MM

So Much Can Happen…

Well if you follow me on Instagram you will know that Friday marked 1 more month of blood thinners! WOOHOO! Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for that little pill because it basically saved my life, but I am done with it. I have been wanting to get my sleeve finished but can’t because, well blood thinners, I thought about getting a random piercing and I can’t because, yep, blood thinners. Most importantly, I have wanted to do another FET, but unless I want to go off oral blood thinners and go on injection blood thinners, I have to wait. My husband and I talked about it and the injection blood thinners are not easy, for me I was going to be doing two shots, twice a day, and they are NOT fun. I would take a PIO injection twice a day before one injection of blood thinners.

Of course, with the excitement of…”Oh we could do another transfer soon”, I also worry. With the current issues with our niece’s bio dad fighting our guardianship of her, and my paternal grandmother being in the hospital and likely not making it out of the hospital, I worry that trying to do a transfer in the middle of all that is not very smart. I would hate to be under so much stress from the potential loss of my grandmother and court date for my niece that we would waste two more embryos…

She meets with the Guardian Ad Litem today, and after that I believe he is going to write his report regarding what he believes is her best interest and send it to the court. The court would then have to review it and set a court date which our attorney told us could be 30-45 days from that time. So potentially we are looking at another 2 months before court…so do I really want to hold off on a transfer for that long? If we transfer in December I could be “safely” pregnant by the time we go to court.

Also, my grandmother. So apparently she hasn’t been taking her medications for congestive heart failure, high blood pressure, and diabetes. So she is very sick. Her CO2 levels are critical and she is getting worse every day. She has good days and bad and honestly I have no idea what the time frame on this could be. She has already signed a living will to not be on life support or anything of that capacity so that isn’t an option. Part of me wishes we could transfer now, so that maybe we could tell her we were pregnant before she passes. She wanted us to have a baby so bad and the thought of her missing out on that is heart breaking…

As always, positive thoughts and prayers are always welcome. ❤ Thank you to everyone for the continued love and support. #MM

I’m Trying

I tried writing a post last week. It took me hours to edit and piece together the thoughts that had flooded onto the computer screen. But I couldn’t publish it publically.

I feel like this blog is a book sometimes, and I have hit a massive writing block. Not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I don’t want to say it. I type it out and I delete it. I read it and change it, only to delete it.

My life has been a series of unfortunate events and I’m sick of being a victim. I am trying to be positive, I am clinging onto the strength I have left, but I don’t want to feel this white knuckle feeling of fear anymore.

Things are still so uncertain with the guardianship of my niece. It leaves me with a permanent lump in my through and makes me sick to my stomach to worry that for no other reason than the fact he is her biological father, the judge will say she has to live with him. Even though, for the last 11 years, she has had more over nights, holidays, and memories with us. Even though, she has made it clear that that’s not what she wants.

I continue to be on blood thinners for the blood clot in my leg. It’s frustrating because this one little pill is the only thing standing in the way of us doing a FET. I keep thinking I will call the doctor and ask if I can stop them sooner and maybe just take Aspirin or something but I quickly talk myself out of it, and part of me thinks this is God’s way of making us wait.

I am going to pull out my “In the Wait” book today, try to clear my head, and start this week off right. Thank you to everyone for their continued support, comments, and love. I read every single one of them and they help me through the tough days. I pray that you all are well. ❤

#MicroblogMonday

august 2016

It’s August! I have never been so ready for a month to end as I was for July, but enough about that, it is time to move forward. I decided to make a list of all the wonderful things that ARE going to happen this month.

Things I am looking forward to this month:

  • The weather will be wonderful. Not as hot, and humid, just sunshine and a breeze.
  • My husband and I will enjoy a few nice rides on the motorcycle. Especially since it will be my last month to ride for approximately 9 months.
  • My sister-in-law will continue to heal physically and emotionally. My niece will continue to be a happy, fun-loving, 11 year old and her therapists will continue to help her learn coping mechanisms from the trauma she endured.
  • My family and friends will know only happiness this month. There will be no hospital visits, or sadness, or death.
  • I will enjoy my 30th birthday surrounded by friends and family. I will not worry about getting older or the fact that at the age of 30 I am no where near where I thought I would be.
  • The estrogen, PIO, and Crinone will be easy on my physical body and my emotions.
  • Our donor will produce wonderful quality and quantity of eggs and we will have good fertilization numbers.
  • We will have a successful transfer of at least 2 beautiful embryos and at least 1 will continue to grow and thrive inside of me.
  • I will be happy. I will be content. I will spend my days enjoying the life I have been given and continue to praise God not only in the good times, but also the bad.
  • There might be tough times, all days may not be good ones, but God will give me what I need, when I need it.

#MicroblogMondays

 

Microblog Mondays – On the Other Side

I feel like last Sunday night we were thrown into a tornado, and it spit us out and here we are, on a Monday.

My sister-in-law and niece are doing as well as can be expected. Insurance wouldn’t pay for her to go to a rehab facility so she moved in with her and my husband’s father and step-mother and they are helping take care of her with the assistance of an in-home nurse that comes three times a week *major eye roll*…She has no use of her hands from the surgeries they did to repaid the damage so think of all the things you do with your hands that now has to be done by someone else until further notice. She is handling it well and thankfully she has my husband’s sense of humor that helps get them through the tough times. The family had me setup a GoFundMe page because her insurance deductibles for the house and her medical bills will be a lot, plus the amount of things that need replaced (furniture, appliances, etc) that was damaged in the attack will be quite expensive. I got to see the house and let me just tell you, they are lucky they made it out alive. It shook me to my core to see the horrific scene and think that my 10 year old niece witnessed that first hand. But, we as a family are trying to remain positive, thankful that they survived, and move forward. When he took his life he took the anger with him.

On another, must more positive note, the nurse called Friday and we have a new donor. She has donated three times before. The first two resulted in live births, and she put up the same great numbers on her third round but they found a sperm issue so the eggs had to be discarded after fertilization.

So, we aren’t as delayed as expected due to her not needing a lot of the screenings new donors need to it has been a blessing in disguise. I can’t imagine trying to worry about retrieval and transfer last week and this week with everything we’ve had going on. Now, just shortly after I get to celebrate my 30th birthday, we will be doing a transfer. *YAY*

Thank you all for your support and love last week. It was such a horrific week from hell but we are thankful God pulled us through. #MicroblogMondays

 

Micoblog Monday – I Had to Call CPS

#MicroblogMondays

Yesterday I was walking through the dining room when I saw a small child in my front yard trying to play with my humming bird feeder. I ran outside and he started to run for the road but once I motioned to pick him up he came running into my arms.

He was probably about 2. He had no shoes, and no shirt on, and a full diaper with shorts on. It has been around 90 degrees in our area and I assume the road he had to run across to even get to our house was extremely hot.

I have seen this child, along with a few others running around a lot across the street. Our once quiet and normal across the street neighbors started renting their house to their daughter who has adults and children in and out as much as the gas station that is right around the corner. I honestly couldn’t even tell you who actually lives there and which kids belong to who.

I walked over towards the house when about 4 younger children (probably all under 5) ran over and apologized for not watching him and told me to give him to them. I explained that I would not be just letting him go with them and that I needed to speak to the adult that was home.

You see, my house in on one of the busiest roads in town. It runs from one end of town to another and I also live very close to a gas station, a high school, and a liquor store. So there are always cars and right now motorcycles flying up and down that road. I myself have been rear ended twice when trying to turn into my driveway from that road because people don’t pay attention. This child was feet away from that road.

One of the little kids ran inside and came back out and said, “She’s too tired”.

So I explained that I would not let him down without speaking to an adult and then I pulled out my phone and dialed 911.

The police showed up and handled it from there. I went to my house and immediately called the CPS hotline and made a report. The office called me later to get my information as she was filing a report too.

The house was atrocious, the children were all playing in the front yard unsupervised and with almost no clothes on, and this girl, was asleep, in the back of the house, and didn’t even want to come to the door when the police officer showed up…

It takes all I have in these kinds of moments not to be extremely angry, and especially bitter. As I take medications and spend thousands of dollars for just a chance at having a child of my own, other people are recklessly ignoring their blessings.

I said a little prayer last night for those children, and I prayed that this will be the wake up call she needs to keep her children safe. I again thanked God that my road has not been an easy one because it just makes me more appreciative for the gift of life and it also helped me do what was right for that child. Regardless of the fear I have for the backlash that could come when a house full of adults have to answer to the police and CPS.

It is not my right to ask God why He chose to give her children while I remain childless, so I just pray. Pray for safety for those children, pray for peace in my journey, and pray to heal the hearts of the broken that have come before me and the many that will come after.

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Please save this number to your phone and visit this site if you need more information. You can also Google your state’s CPS Hotline and there is usually someone available 24/7 to take a report, and as always dial 911 if it is an emergency!
It could save a life.