Moving on but not out.

The photographer that came to take pictures the first time we were all able to be together sent us the rest of the pictures. When I got to this one, all I could do was cry. Not because I am looking at my baby, but because of what you probably don’t see the first time you look at this picture.

My husband in the background.

***Trigger Warning: Birth, Miscarriage, and pregnancy mentioned in this post. Please protect you heart and skip this entry if needed***


When we sat in the RE’s office in July of 2008 we never could have imagined the journey that was before us. We never could have foreseen the damage it would do to our faith, our hope, and our marriage. The years of bitterness and resentment that I will never get back. The people I let down because I just couldn’t be what they needed at that time because of the pain in my heart for my own short comings.

There is no sugar coating it. My body failed me. Time and time again. From the fiber of my DNA, my blood, my ovaries, and then my shitty cervix. We lost four babies and almost lost our little girl. The thought takes my breath away completely. There is no rhyme or reason why I went into pre-term labor when I did and every medication they gave me couldn’t have delayed in long enough to save her had it happened just 8 weeks before that when this all started.

The one thing that hasn’t failed though, is my husband’s unconditional love and support. Many nights I spent crying, begging him to leave me so he could have the life he deserved. So many times I couldn’t be the wife he needed because of the depression and anxiety that infertility and loss caused.

When I was admitted at 21 weeks he sat next to the bed and said, “I am ready to get off this roller coaster”. And so was I. We told each other that night that if we got this baby girl here safe that we would never go through this again. Then when I gave birth to our daughter at 28 weeks he told me he had a bad feeling something would have happened to me during child birth had we had her full term. I had been having the same feelings.

In this photo, I see a man who has fought harder that anyone would ever realize for this moment. This was his release. The moment that he knew our pain was finally over.

I will not be one of those people that tells you that having a baby didn’t erase all those years of pain, because in many ways it did. I understand that not all people have the same resolution but for the most part, I have moved on. The moment I heard my baby cry, I wanted to forget all the bad things we endured for her to be here. I don’t want to forget the losses, but those are a different part of my life now. They were necessary for us to get to here. Every loss taught us something different that helped save my little girl’s life. And even without her, each loss taught me something about myself. A piece of me that is irreplaceable. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I want to give myself permission to let go of all that pain, and move on with the pieces of me that remain from that pain.

Now, I want to get to know myself again. Learn about all these new and old pieces and how they fit together. Learn how to love my body again. Forgive it for the years of failure and thank it for holding on just long enough to bring me my miracle. I want to renew my relationship with God, and forgive Him. Yes, forgive HIM, because I have been angry at Him for far too long and forgot many times to trust Him in this journey. I want to move on.

I want to finally be able to help answer the question that I see so many women ask at this point, “Where do I go from here”? I want to figure out how to take all the pain and experience and use it to help others. I want to learn how to remain in the community that has supported me for the last 10 years.

I see so many women with “survivor’s guilt” leave because they don’t know what else to do. I want to find out how to stop that. We all connected because of a common goal and we have to stop acting like when we reach that goal we have to disconnect from all the amazing women who helped us along the way.

Last, but certainly not least. Thank you. Thank you for the years of love and support. Thank you for forgiving me even when I didn’t deserve it. Thank you for sharing in my joy even when it caused you pain. Thank you for teaching me how to look at the world through another set of eyes.

I hope you will continue down this journey with me moving forward…



Non Update

So I have a bit of an excuse for being gone for a while. My computer wouldn’t load anything on my blog, but when I’d sign into the mobile app everything was still there. I hate writing blogs on my phone so I didn’t. I kept up with your updates but didn’t comment because once again…mobile. And it’s a pain.

Things have been a little hectic but not bad. My niece made A/B honor roll in school, she is doing archery and the swim team will start up soon. My husband’s father’s mother (they weren’t close so he doesn’t call her grandma) passed away so we attended the memorial service in IL which made for a long weekend basically hanging out at the hotel.

Halloween was fun. I ordered some stuff to do some special fx makeup on my neice. She was red riding hood with wolf scratches. It turned out really cool, especially for my first time messing with modeling wax and blood gel.

I have been avoiding it, but I need to call the place that did the genetics testing for our loss in June. They are saying I owe them $6,700!!!! Yea….not happening…

So not much of an update but wanted to just pop in for a minute. I hope you all are well!

A bit of an Update

It’s been three months since my last entry…and I don’t even know where to begin.

We received our testing results back from losing our fourth pregnancy. It would have been a little girl and she had part of a missing chromosome. The doctor originally thought it was Turner’s syndrome but the testing showed she was missing part of her 16 chromosome. It truly is just “bad luck” and the doctor said there was nothing we could have done, and he is confident that our baby is in the remaining 6 embryos we have frozen. We would like to do another transfer before the year is up, and we are cleared medically, now it’s just up to us when.

The past three months have been a struggle but they have also been amazing. I took a month off work and we spent time at the local pool with my two best friends who are stay-at-home moms. We celebrated my niece’s 12th birthday at a friend’s lake house where we boated, tubed, and she got a new four wheeler from us for her birthday. My husband got a promotion and to celebrate we bought a new motorcycle. We also celebrated my 31st birthday, and his 32nd birthday. We have been surrounded with so much love and support, I honestly don’t know how I got so blessed to have so many quality people in my life.

So while the past three months I have struggled emotionally, I honestly at this point feel like I know how to process this grief, doing it three times prior, and so while it has been painful, I feel like I’ve been able to manage it a little better this time around. I won’t drag this post out with all the things I have struggled with emotionally, instead I’ll just show our life in pictures and try to focus on all the wonderful things we have been blessed with.



This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

Balloons in the Clouds

I have so many things I feel like I want to say but as always feel like I don’t have the time to find the words, or maybe they just aren’t there yet.

The past few weeks have been crazy with amazing things, as well as filled with worry and uncertainty.

Our niece surprised me by painting me a portrait of our dog Ruger that passed last year with the biggest Mother’s Day card I’ve ever seen and the sweetest message written on the envelope. I spent the day watching her play and laugh and feeling like the day was peaceful and bittersweet.


We released balloons for her Mother in Heaven and I sent a silent prayer to her and thanked her for blessing me with this amazing little girl. She truly is my light. I wish I could explain the way she has changed my life.

I faintly remember years ago, after suffering our second miscarriage my sister-in-law let our niece spend Mother’s Day with me, and we released balloons to my angel babies and the day felt just a little less empty. Who would have known all these years later we would stand there together, a child without a mother, a mother without a child, somehow both now having both sending their love to angels in Heaven that made us who we are.

We will celebrate her graduating 6th grade next Monday, and we will spend Tuesday and Wednesday out of town with the 6th grade class for a end of year trip. Just seeing the email about her graduation had me in tears.

Life continues to buzz on and between swim practice three times a week, work, and family it never slows down. I hope you all are well and as always thanks for taking time to read ❤

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

This Life

I feel steady. I feel at peace. I feel happy.

Last night as we drove home from our niece’s second swim meet of the season I could hear her and her friend giggling in the back. In that moment, a lifetime of hopes and dreams and the past year of pain and heartbreak, all seemed to be settled in my heart.

Things are far from perfect and we still have so many struggles in front of us, but for that moment, all felt right.

I continue to struggle with my feelings of guilt for my feelings of happiness. This happiness did not come without great loss. I miss my sister-in-law daily and I wish I could share these amazing moments with her, although I know if I could, they would not exist.

It’s all very complicated, yet so simple. It all feels so normal, and like it has always been this way. I can barely remember what life was like before this, I can’t even bare to think of going back to the life we had before.

Although legally her name remains the same, she has asked that the school use our last name, her mother’s maiden name, the name her mother was trying to get back before her life was taken from her. Her swim shirt, and ours, have our last name on the back, and I have chills as I write that. I still feel a lump in my throat when they announce her name for her event. If it’s possible, I feel as though not only can I feel my pride, but I can feel her mother’s as well. I think it will always be that way, that not only will I feel joy in moments for myself, but also for her mother. It’s intense and amazing, and I am grateful to be the one lucky enough to experience it. I know I am not the only one. Each moment is even more precious, and emotional, and we all are so thankful to be a part of her journey.

I can’t thank everyone enough for their support and love the past year. I also apologize for my inability to be as present in my support for all of you. I tried spending my morning catching up, reading, and showing you all love and I hope to be able to do that more often now. I am sending you all my love and gratitude and hope that I can repay this community one day for all of the fierce undying support you have shown me.

Here are a few images of our last 6 months together ❤

What I Wish I Could Say

Dear Biological Father,

There are so many things I want to say to you, but you see my mother raised me to be the “bigger person”. When I was younger I thought that meant I had to be a push-over but I learned there is a fine line in standing up for yourself and stooping to someone else’s level. Well, it is time I stood up not only for myself, but for your daughter, and I know you’ll never read this, but the universe needs to hear  it, and I need to say it.

When your daughter’s mother passed away we knew instantly that everything would change. Her mother made her wishes known that she wanted her daughter to live with us if anything were to ever happen to her. Those thoughts were confirmed when the first thing your daughter said to us after getting home from the hospital is that she wanted the same thing.

Over the next 6 months we answered the phone every single time you called , which wasn’t much, and sometimes had to sit back and watch as you “bullied” your 11 year old daughter into tears. While most of the time you still treat her like a small child instead of the intelligent young lady she is now, sometimes you forget you are talking to a child, your child, and you say selfish and hurtful things. Maybe you think that she will feel bad, and you will “win”, but I assure you that you are the one losing. As you push her further away you are not getting the chance to know just how amazing she is.

We tried to talk to you, reason with you, help you. We offered to help in any way we could to facilitate a good relationship between the two of you, but we remained firm that we would not only honor her mother’s wishes but her wishes as well for her to live with us. We told you we did not want money, we just wanted what was best for her, and although you may not agree with us, we know that being with us, and the only family she has ever truly known, is what is best for her.

There are times I have felt sorry for you. Maybe you never had the relationships she has with her family when you were younger, so you don’t understand that what you have been giving her is never going to be enough. Maybe you truly don’t know that as the parent it is your job to make a valiant effort to be in her life, even if she pushes you away, even if you argue and fight, it is your job to love her anyways. That is what being a parent means.

I thought once you heard her tell the judge why she feels the way she does, you would wake up. You would see that you have made mistakes and take action to correct that, but it is consistently made obvious that you don’t seem to be listening to her at all. Maybe you hear her, but are you really listening?

I know you are angry, and I would assume you are hurt, but honestly I can’t see that. Your anger is the only thing I see. But I will not apologize. I will never be sorry for taking every step necessary to do what I believe is best for her. I will never apologize for fighting for her, and for her future. I will not feel bad for assuring that she has a happy, healthy, and successful life.

You can tell everyone that you were “robbed” and that your “rights were taken from you”, but the truth is, we were fighting a losing battle. We are just her aunt and uncle and in every law you are preferred. So while you will prefer to place blame on us for “taking her”, we gave you the chance, and had you taken it, the outcome would probably have been much different.

I have allowed you to “shush” me over the phone, and I have heard the distaste in your voice when you say my name, but I don’t care. I don’t care if you like me, or respect me, but you will respect your daughter. Now that the court has made their decision, and we are her legal and permanent guardians, I can assure you that I will not allow you to disrespect her anymore. I will honor her mother and I will protect and love her without reservation.


PS: I meant what I said, I hope that you can find a way to put your pride aside and have a good relationship with your daughter, but if you don’t, you will be the only one to blame.



Well, here we are again, in another period of waiting. When our attorney told us it could take 2-3 weeks for us to receive the judge’s decision from our hearing yesterday the irony didn’t slap me in the face until much later. That here we are, caring for a child, that is not yet officially “ours”, and it could be two weeks, maybe a little more, until we find out if she gets to stick around.

I wish I could tell you how the hearing went but most of what I know was told to me by others. They called for a “separation of witnesses” which means anyone who was going to testify that wasn’t on the original petition for guardianship can’t be in the court room until it is their turn to testify. We originally did not put my name on the petition because we believed it would go further without it. Her biological father has always shown a very obvious distaste for me so we thought it would help us in the long run. Lesson learned.

I heard her testimony was strong, and well said, and the judge was paying very close attention, so I pray that he takes her testimony with the most consideration. All I know is when she left the courtroom she ran to me, wrapper her arms around me and cried. All I could say was, “I’m sorry”. It’s just not fair that she had to be put in that position and I pray that it wasn’t for nothing.

The hearing took over 2 and a half hours and the judge left stating that he would take it all into consideration and would give us a ruling “as soon as possible”.

I’ll be honest. I have been in a very dark place since we left that court room. Not being able to be in there with my husband and our entire family on what was easily the most important day of our life was extremely hard. The thought of having to tell my niece that a judge has decided she must go live with a man she barely knows  scares the hell out of me On a very real note, I don’t know what I’ll do if she has to leave. I keep praying and asking God to help give me peace but I can’t shake this extremely nervous and terrified feeling in my chest.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. As always all of your kind comments on my last post help keep me uplifted and in the right frame of mind. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤

I’m Trying

I tried writing a post last week. It took me hours to edit and piece together the thoughts that had flooded onto the computer screen. But I couldn’t publish it publically.

I feel like this blog is a book sometimes, and I have hit a massive writing block. Not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I don’t want to say it. I type it out and I delete it. I read it and change it, only to delete it.

My life has been a series of unfortunate events and I’m sick of being a victim. I am trying to be positive, I am clinging onto the strength I have left, but I don’t want to feel this white knuckle feeling of fear anymore.

Things are still so uncertain with the guardianship of my niece. It leaves me with a permanent lump in my through and makes me sick to my stomach to worry that for no other reason than the fact he is her biological father, the judge will say she has to live with him. Even though, for the last 11 years, she has had more over nights, holidays, and memories with us. Even though, she has made it clear that that’s not what she wants.

I continue to be on blood thinners for the blood clot in my leg. It’s frustrating because this one little pill is the only thing standing in the way of us doing a FET. I keep thinking I will call the doctor and ask if I can stop them sooner and maybe just take Aspirin or something but I quickly talk myself out of it, and part of me thinks this is God’s way of making us wait.

I am going to pull out my “In the Wait” book today, try to clear my head, and start this week off right. Thank you to everyone for their continued support, comments, and love. I read every single one of them and they help me through the tough days. I pray that you all are well. ❤


I feel…

Well, honestly, I’m not sure. And it’s the post I’ve been trying to write, the thoughts in my head that I’ve been trying to process, and right now, I just don’t know how. It’s like I am lost in a maze of my mind and I just don’t know what I’m going to be like once I reach the exit sign. Will I make it out? Maybe… Will I make it out in one piece, still happy, still optimistic, still hopeful…I just don’t know.

I could go down this list of the things that just keep piling up, but to write it all down seems even more redundant than living each horrible moment, one right after another, like we have been.

Friday, we said good-bye to our boy Ruger. He passed in my husband’s arms in our back yard. We took him to be cremated and his ashes were brought home with an impression of his paw print by the next day. He was my “Marley”, he is the dog who changed how myself and my family and friends viewed pit bulls, he is the reason I started volunteering with a local pit bull rescue, and he was always there to comfort me through all the things we have faced since we brought him home almost 10 years ago just a couple weeks before Christmas. He loved every person and animal that he ever met. He was my heart dog. The bed seems a little more empty, dinner time is hard because I don’t see his eyes peeking over the table, and I cried as I got out of the shower last night because he wasn’t standing there trying to lick the water off the side of the tub.

It is getting to the point where I feel like people are texting me often and sending me kind words because they want to make sure I don’t do something stupid. People have all of but stopped offering to help us because they know there is nothing they can do, they have stopped trying to remind us to stay positive and have just started saying things like, “I just don’t understand,” or “Will you guys ever catch a break?”. Even the most faithful people have questioned why God has put us through all of this in a short amount of time.

I don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m questioning if I’m doing really well at coping or I’m just numb to it all. I go through moments where I feel like I am angry with God, but I also have moments where I still trust Him, I still believe this is all for the greater good, and humorously I think to myself, well maybe because all of this bad stuff is happening right now, all at once, we will have a year or two of peace after this. But as each bad things keeps happening, I feel a little more jaded each time and that maybe this is just our new normal. Maybe it won’t stop, and maybe this is just how life is.

There is so much more going on even behind the scenes. Too much to type. I just need a break. I feel like I’m somehow I am remaining positive, but that goes back to what I said earlier when I question if it’s that or if I’m just numb at this point.