We have now been on this journey for over 12 years. While our treatments were not consistent over those 12 years, our longing for a child was. Over those 12 years not only have I explored many options of TTC, but I’ve also met countless women and heard their stories, and followed their journey.
There are so many different versions out there of the same story. It all starts simple with a woman wanting a child. The many branches off that initial tree are endless after that.
When I look at my branch, sometimes between the length of time, the number of losses, and the young age at which I was faced with the fact I would probably never have my own biological child, it seems like my story is harder than most. I’ve had friends and family members that I am their only reference to infertility and miscarriage. In my immediate family and group of friends I am the only one left childless. In my darkest hours, I wonder if my family and friends just wish I would move on from this part of my life and quit causing myself and everyone else so much pain.
But then, something, or someone reminds me to take a step back and look at the whole tree. I think of all the ways my story, my branch, took a good turn, when it very easily could have gone the other way.
- I have had two hsg tests, an both were perfect. My RE says I have a wonderful uterus. I am one of the lucky ones.
- I got pregnant twice, with my own eggs, after only three medicated cycles each time. I am one of the lucky ones.
- I got 25 eggs from our donor, which resulted in 10 almost perfect embryos. I am one of the lucky ones.
- Blood draws, PIO shots, or needles in general, don’t bother me. Shots are easy for me and I have never once resented them for being the path I have to take. I am one of the lucky ones.
- Both of my first transfers, resulted in positive pregnancy tests, one of which I even got to see a heartbeat, and movement. I am one of the lucky ones.
- My family, and friends are supportive of not only our journey but our pursuit with donor eggs. I have never had to hide this from anyone or feared their reaction. No one makes me feel like donor eggs make my potential children any less mine. I am one of the lucky ones.
You get the point. For everything listed above, I know countless women who didn’t get those results. Women who were told that their uterus wouldn’t sustain a pregnancy. Women who pursued donor eggs and still were left with nothing. Women who have never seen a positive test, let alone a heartbeat. Women who cry at every shot or prick of a needle.
So has my journey been hard, absolutely. But could it always be worse, yes. Now while I don’t let that minimize my very real pain and heartbreak, and you shouldn’t either. It’s sometimes helpful to take inventory for all the things I am thankful for, because sometimes, those things are the only thing that keep me pursuing this dream.
I’m not going to say, “it could always be worse”, because it’s all completely awful. The fact that so many wonderful, deserving, women have to endure so much pain is unfathomable to me. The fact that bad things happen to good people, is just simply not fair.
So wherever you fall on this tree, this unfair, and difficult journey. I am sending you love and healing prayers. May you find what you are looking for.
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