Sometimes I Feel Lucky

We have now been on this journey for over 12 years. While our treatments were not consistent over those 12 years, our longing for a child was. Over those 12 years not only have I explored many options of TTC, but I’ve also met countless women and heard their stories, and followed their journey.

There are so many different versions out there of the same story. It all starts simple with a woman wanting a child. The many branches off that initial tree are endless after that.

When I look at my branch, sometimes between the length of time, the number of losses, and the young age at which I was faced with the fact I would probably never have my own biological child, it seems like my story is harder than most. I’ve had friends and family members that I am their only reference to infertility and miscarriage. In my immediate family and group of friends I am the only one left childless. In my darkest hours, I wonder if my family and friends just wish I would move on from this part of my life and quit causing myself and everyone else so much pain.

But then, something, or someone reminds me to take a step back and look at the whole tree. I think of all the ways my story, my branch, took a good turn, when it very easily could have gone the other way.

  • I have had two hsg tests, an both were perfect. My RE says I have a wonderful uterus. I am one of the lucky ones.
  • I got pregnant twice, with my own eggs, after only three medicated cycles each time. I am one of the lucky ones.
  • I got 25 eggs from our donor, which resulted in 10 almost perfect embryos. I am one of the lucky ones.
  • Blood draws, PIO shots, or needles in general, don’t bother me. Shots are easy for me and I have never once resented them for being the path I have to take. I am one of the lucky ones.
  • Both of my first transfers, resulted in positive pregnancy tests, one of which I even got to see a heartbeat, and movement. I am one of the lucky ones.
  • My family, and friends are supportive of not only our journey but our pursuit with donor eggs. I have never had to hide this from anyone or feared their reaction. No one makes me feel like donor eggs make my potential children any less mine. I am one of the lucky ones.

You get the point. For everything listed above, I know countless women who didn’t get those results. Women who were told that their uterus wouldn’t sustain a pregnancy. Women who pursued donor eggs and still were left with nothing. Women who have never seen a positive test, let alone a heartbeat. Women who cry at every shot or prick of a needle.

So has my journey been hard, absolutely. But could it always be worse, yes. Now while I don’t let that minimize my very real pain and heartbreak, and you shouldn’t either. It’s sometimes helpful to take inventory for all the things I am thankful for, because sometimes, those things are the only thing that keep me pursuing this dream.

I’m not going to say, “it could always be worse”, because it’s all completely awful. The fact that so many wonderful, deserving, women have to endure so much pain is unfathomable to me. The fact that bad things happen to good people, is just simply not fair.

So wherever you fall on this tree, this unfair, and difficult journey. I am sending you love and healing prayers. May you find what you are looking for.

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

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Crippling Anxiety

A small update from my last post. I was able to talk to a very nice gentleman at CombiMatrix out of CA (the place that did our genetics test for our last loss) and the $6,750.00 they said I owed was reduced to $400. At first he got a little snippy and said they were going to send it to collections because of how long they had this bill (which in reality was actually only maybe 3 months), but when I snipped back at him and told him that we had lost our baby and I wasn’t in the mood to talk about a 7 thousand dollar bill for that loss he was very kind, apologized, and gave me the new owed amount. Within a couple days I had a letter in the mail stating the account was settled and with that the last step of “closure” from our loss was done.

One thing I am learning about myself, is that this last loss, combined with all the others, my anxiety is much worse than it used to be. I think when I try to analyze it, it’s because I was so blind sided by this last loss. We went in for our 10 week ultrasound and what should have been our last appt. with our RE. We took in this big obnoxious edible arrangement with balloons and everything (which only made me feel like even more of a fool later), and we laughed and smiled as our RE started the ultrasound only to be swiftly kicked on our ass. If I could forget my husband’s face and his voice asking “What?” over and over again, I would pay money to. It still makes me sick to my stomach to relive those few moments.

That feeling of “just knowing” that everything was going to be ok, and then finding out that it actually hadn’t been fine for quite a few days, makes me feel betrayed by my body in the worst way.

As we are in the process of our third FET, I am finding that I don’t trust my body anymore. I don’t trust that it’s going to do what it’s supposed to. I don’t trust that I’m ok, even if I feel ok, and fears of things like unknown cancers, terminal illnesses, etc. seem to be normal now. I feel like their is some unknown illness inside my body that they just haven’t discovered yet.

I find that sometimes I get so overwhelmed I spend more time in my room, in my bed, hiding from the world. Now, I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, or worrying about me. I am still working full time, I take care of my niece, and we still go to family events. But on nights when I would normally sit and watch TV in the living room, I feel more comfortable in my bed. When my friends ask about getting together, I am more inclined to say no, or just want a quiet movie night inside instead.

I think it will be a long time before I will trust my body again. If ever. I don’t know that a successful pregnancy would even help. I can imagine I would be crippled by anxiety every day, wondering if something had happened and I just didn’t know it yet.

I’m trying my best, and I feel like for the most part, I have healed from the loss, but I think that this one left a few more scars than the first three, and that those will take longer to fade.

Prayers to you and yours, wherever you are in your journey.

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

Again…

Here I am. In a place I never wanted to be again. Popping pills and changing a pad every few hours because I’ve had to have a pregnancy surgically removed from my body.

Friday at what I thought would be an emotional but amazing day, graduation day from our RE for the first time since we began our journey in 2008, turned into my nightmare.

We carried in a large Edible Arrangement for the staff and everyone was excited to see us and our nurse even came into the lobby for a few minutes and sat with us to chat. Our appointment was at 9:30 and surprisingly sometime after 10:00am our RE actually was the one to call us back to the u/s room. He said that it had been an incredibly busy morning for the nurses so he was just going to get our u/s started. So for the first time in 9 years our RE was the only one in the room and doing an u/s for us for the first time. Almost instantly I knew something was wrong, Everything looked different and the strong movement and heartbeat I saw the week before was gone. Our RE said out loud almost immediately what he thought was the cause. A chromosome issue which felt like a slap in the face considering we used donor eggs to try and get away from this exact thing because of my Chromosome Translocation. He said it’s just something that happens, nothing that someone “passed down”. He can’t be 100% until testing is done but the fact that he said it almost immediately tells me he’s pretty confident.

I wish I could put into the words how the next 30 minutes or so went. I sobbed so loud I’m sure everyone in the office heard me, and my husband held me and I honestly think it was the only thing holding me on that table. Our RE exited the room and our nurse came in to hug me and cry with me. They then took us to his office so we could speak to him about what was next. They offered to let us leave but I didn’t want to leave without some type of answers.

I can tell he is at a loss and he says a few random medical things but ultimately he tells me that we should do a D&C because of how far along I am and the pain and waiting that could come with waiting for it to happen on it’s own. I agree because I also know with a D&C they can test our little one to find out for sure what happened.

Yesterday we had our D&C. The morning was just as surreal as this whole pregnancy has been. Feeling like this can’t be real and we can’t be going through this process again. When I went back to the OR I completely broke down. I have been on that table twice before and it gets harder every time. There was a very nice nurse who held my hand and rubbed my head. They gave me some oxygen and then told me I’d start to get sleepy. I tried fighting it, and I’m not really sure why, but eventually I faded.

When I woke up I was in so much pain. The nurse immediately gave me two pain pills but the pain kept getting worse. She started giving me medicine through my IV which started to help enough that I could get dressed and get ready to head home.

By the time we got home the medicine had fully kicked in and I slept most of the afternoon. I spend the evening sleeping and watching movies in bed with my husband. Our niece went to stay with a friend for a couple of days so we could have some time.

I have been so thankful for the out pouring of love and support from pretty much everyone we know. But honestly, I’m just angry. There is just no other words for what I am feeling right now. To get this far, to have such a healthy baby one week and then go through this. It doesn’t make any sense.

I want to write more about my emotions later but I felt for now just putting the experience down in words could help me process it just a little more.

We are hoping to have the results within the next few weeks and hoping that gives us some closure and that it’s also what our RE thinks it is because it would mean that the rest of our embryos shouldn’t be affected and it was just some random statistic that of course we found, but hopefully we won’t again.

Thank you again to everyone for the love and support.

….idk anymore 

And just like that our rainbow baby is gone…at our 10 week scan there was no heartbeat. The doctor believes just by looking at the scan that there was something wrong with the chromosomes which is hard for us to wrap our minds around considering we did donor eggs to avoid this issue. We are now preparing for a D&C sometime early next week. Thank you all for the support and love on this journey but I will probably be offline for a while. 💔 

Uncharted Waters

First and foremost, thank you. Thank you for all of the love and congratulatory comments. They truly mean the world to me. I wish I could hug you all.

My emotions have been all over the place. I have had 9 years to “practice” being an infertile. To navigate those emotions and everyone around me. This is a whole new ball game and I feel so ill prepared.

When we announced to our family the pain of years of infertility became so much more evident from their point of view. I tried to video tape some of their reactions but I probably won’t ever publish them. Some of them are so apparently cautious and hesitant that after we told people I spent a whole day in bed crying because I felt as though infertility had robbed us of another joy. That we didn’t get to see the happy crying faces that you see in most YouTube videos. Instead it was, “so it’s going good so far?”, and “This one is going to stick?”, and while those statements seem insensitive, they are valid. One of the things I battled most through infertility was not my own disappointment, but feeling like I was letting my family down. Robbing them of the joy of a grandchild, a niece or nephew, a son or daughter. So while I was so excited to tell them,  the reality of how early it was and how I could still let them down hit me like a ton of bricks.

Navigating this blog and my Instagram are also things that I am going to have to re-learn. I want to share everything, but I want to continue to be sensitive to others that are still struggling. I feel like there have been times when I’ve read that before and rolled my eyes at others so I hate being cliché and being in the same spot now…

Thank you again for your continued support and please know that I am keeping you all so very close in my thoughts and prayers…

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

 

 

9 Years in the Making

We are all at different parts of our journey, and if you are not at a point where you are able to read of pregnancies, etc. please be kind to your heart and skip this post. I appreciate all of the support I have received through this blog but your well being is much more important…

So now…the post I didn’t know if I’d ever get to write.

After 9 years, 3 miscarriages, a ton of different kinds of treatments, and 2 rounds of donor egg IVF, we are happy to announce that we are expecting our miracle baby in January 2018!

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I am 9 weeks today and yesterday we got to hear the very strong heartbeat and see our little one wiggling around. To say this has been surreal is an understatement.

A huge thank you to everyone who has followed our journey and I promise to remain sensitive in my posts and keep all of those still struggling, or trying to move on, very closely in my thoughts and prayers.

I have now made the page public at the top of the blog for all POAS pictures, betas, and ultrasound photos if you want to check it out. I have also updated our Donor Egg IVF page with details about our beta hell, spotting scares, and finally wonderful ultrasounds.

Thank you again to all of those that have sent us love and support especially this past year. Continued prayers for a healthy pregnancy and my very high anxiety are appreciated.

9 Years

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9 years of insanity, laughter, a little bit of sadness and a whole lot of fun! So thankful to have this man by my side through it all. Just a month shy of 12 years since we started dating and I can’t believe the things we have endured and conquered.

To many more years…

Giving Up

In July, it will mark 9 years since we first met with our RE. In that 9 years we have done many treatments, no treatments, foster parenting, IVF, court for guardianship of our niece, and more…

We have had many people give us advice over these 9 years. “Just relax”, “Stop trying and it will happen”, “Once you have your niece it will happen”, etc. I’m sure you’ve all heard those and more.

Out of all of them, the one that probably bothers me the most is, “Don’t give up”. I know this one, like many others comes from a good place, and honestly when I see this one it is usually after a woman who has also been through infertility has a child, adopts a child, etc. They say “It’s all worth it”, and “Don’t give up on your dream, it will happen for you too”.

But here is the thing. If at any point, I decide that I no longer want to actively try to have a child, by treatments, adoption, or otherwise. That does not mean that I am giving up. Giving up makes it sound like infertility won. Like something beat me. Like I’m the one losing. But I believe that when people reach this point, where they have exhausted all their options, and they decide they no longer want to pursue this dream. It’s not giving up. I believe it’s winning. I believe it can be just as powerful as that moment you hold your child in your arms. It’s a birth of a new you. The birth of a person who is no longer burdened with shattered dreams and a broken heart. This new person still carries the scars, and some of the hurt, but they are CHOOSING to move on. Not give up.

For those that believe in God. Maybe you believe that you were destined to be a mother, that God has given you all the things to be an exceptional mother, and you just KNOW that He will give you a child one day. But what about those times, that having a child, is not in God’s plan for you? What if the things you believe were given to you to be a mother, are really for something else, and your search in motherhood is actually standing in the way of what your true calling is. I recently heard a song by MercyMe titled “Even if”. It literally took the breath out of me when I looked it up later and heard the lyrics.

“I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone”

Think about this for a minute. This song is saying that they know God can cure all, and make miracles happen, God can make your pain and sorrow all go away, but even if He doesn’t, you will continue to believe, you will continue to be faithful.

Now, I don’t want this post to bring anyone down, or make them question what they believe God has in store for them, but I want to bring a different side of this dialect out. The side where there are women who never become a mother, they never hold the child they know was meant for them, and they never realize that dream they sacrificed everything for. I choose to believe, that this isn’t giving up. It’s moving on. It’s pursuing a new dream. It’s finding themselves all over again. And for those that believe, it’s choosing to continue to believe in God even when he didn’t give you a child.

I don’t know what I hope to gain from this post, or if it will help anyone else AT ALL. I’m not even saying you should never say, “Don’t give up” to someone. I just think that as a community, we need to remember that not everyone “gets out”, and we have to continue to support the men and women who choose to move on from this journey in their life.

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

 

Our First Graduation

Tonight this little girl graduates 6th grade.

They said this would be the roughest year ever, as she mourned the loss of her mother, and transitioned to a new house, a new school, and a completely new town. Man were they wrong. This year has been one of the best years for all three of us. While their is pain and mourning, we have all three chosen to keep our heads high and honor her mother by living the fullest life that we know she would want us to live. She is ending the year with all A’s and B’s, a whole new group of friends, and exciting things in her future.

I could not be more proud of her. She is truly my light and everything I never knew I was missing from my life. As I have said in previous posts, I feel like the lucky one, because tonight not only will I feel my own pride, I will feel her mother’s too.

MM: NIAW – Listen Up

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. As an infertile for over 8 years, and someone who has suffered trough more tests, needle pokes, ultrasounds, and more I feel like I should be an expert at talking about infertility but I just can never find the words.

If you would like to read a more eloquent post head over to Starbucks, Peace, and the Pursuit of a Baby where she put up a very great post about statistics, resources and more.

I have documented most of our journey on this blog…even though I just recently converted it over to Word Press the posts themselves have been going for quite some time now. This blog has never made me famous, I have never had thousands of followers, and I have never been featured anywhere fancy or had anyone ask me to guest post. The majority of people I meet through this blog go on to have healthy pregnancies, babies, and some even abandon their blog and I don’t talk to them again.

Some of us are put in each other’s life for only a moment, and some of us are blessed to get long term friendships from this community. But this week and every week, I hope that everyone knows that I am here, fighting with you, and you are not alone.

For more about us and our journey feel free to check out our bio here. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions!

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.