Moving on but not out.

The photographer that came to take pictures the first time we were all able to be together sent us the rest of the pictures. When I got to this one, all I could do was cry. Not because I am looking at my baby, but because of what you probably don’t see the first time you look at this picture.

My husband in the background.

***Trigger Warning: Birth, Miscarriage, and pregnancy mentioned in this post. Please protect you heart and skip this entry if needed***

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When we sat in the RE’s office in July of 2008 we never could have imagined the journey that was before us. We never could have foreseen the damage it would do to our faith, our hope, and our marriage. The years of bitterness and resentment that I will never get back. The people I let down because I just couldn’t be what they needed at that time because of the pain in my heart for my own short comings.

There is no sugar coating it. My body failed me. Time and time again. From the fiber of my DNA, my blood, my ovaries, and then my shitty cervix. We lost four babies and almost lost our little girl. The thought takes my breath away completely. There is no rhyme or reason why I went into pre-term labor when I did and every medication they gave me couldn’t have delayed in long enough to save her had it happened just 8 weeks before that when this all started.

The one thing that hasn’t failed though, is my husband’s unconditional love and support. Many nights I spent crying, begging him to leave me so he could have the life he deserved. So many times I couldn’t be the wife he needed because of the depression and anxiety that infertility and loss caused.

When I was admitted at 21 weeks he sat next to the bed and said, “I am ready to get off this roller coaster”. And so was I. We told each other that night that if we got this baby girl here safe that we would never go through this again. Then when I gave birth to our daughter at 28 weeks he told me he had a bad feeling something would have happened to me during child birth had we had her full term. I had been having the same feelings.

In this photo, I see a man who has fought harder that anyone would ever realize for this moment. This was his release. The moment that he knew our pain was finally over.

I will not be one of those people that tells you that having a baby didn’t erase all those years of pain, because in many ways it did. I understand that not all people have the same resolution but for the most part, I have moved on. The moment I heard my baby cry, I wanted to forget all the bad things we endured for her to be here. I don’t want to forget the losses, but those are a different part of my life now. They were necessary for us to get to here. Every loss taught us something different that helped save my little girl’s life. And even without her, each loss taught me something about myself. A piece of me that is irreplaceable. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I want to give myself permission to let go of all that pain, and move on with the pieces of me that remain from that pain.

Now, I want to get to know myself again. Learn about all these new and old pieces and how they fit together. Learn how to love my body again. Forgive it for the years of failure and thank it for holding on just long enough to bring me my miracle. I want to renew my relationship with God, and forgive Him. Yes, forgive HIM, because I have been angry at Him for far too long and forgot many times to trust Him in this journey. I want to move on.

I want to finally be able to help answer the question that I see so many women ask at this point, “Where do I go from here”? I want to figure out how to take all the pain and experience and use it to help others. I want to learn how to remain in the community that has supported me for the last 10 years.

I see so many women with “survivor’s guilt” leave because they don’t know what else to do. I want to find out how to stop that. We all connected because of a common goal and we have to stop acting like when we reach that goal we have to disconnect from all the amazing women who helped us along the way.

Last, but certainly not least. Thank you. Thank you for the years of love and support. Thank you for forgiving me even when I didn’t deserve it. Thank you for sharing in my joy even when it caused you pain. Thank you for teaching me how to look at the world through another set of eyes.

I hope you will continue down this journey with me moving forward…

 

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Non Update

So I have a bit of an excuse for being gone for a while. My computer wouldn’t load anything on my blog, but when I’d sign into the mobile app everything was still there. I hate writing blogs on my phone so I didn’t. I kept up with your updates but didn’t comment because once again…mobile. And it’s a pain.

Things have been a little hectic but not bad. My niece made A/B honor roll in school, she is doing archery and the swim team will start up soon. My husband’s father’s mother (they weren’t close so he doesn’t call her grandma) passed away so we attended the memorial service in IL which made for a long weekend basically hanging out at the hotel.

Halloween was fun. I ordered some stuff to do some special fx makeup on my neice. She was red riding hood with wolf scratches. It turned out really cool, especially for my first time messing with modeling wax and blood gel.

I have been avoiding it, but I need to call the place that did the genetics testing for our loss in June. They are saying I owe them $6,700!!!! Yea….not happening…

So not much of an update but wanted to just pop in for a minute. I hope you all are well!

A bit of an Update

It’s been three months since my last entry…and I don’t even know where to begin.

We received our testing results back from losing our fourth pregnancy. It would have been a little girl and she had part of a missing chromosome. The doctor originally thought it was Turner’s syndrome but the testing showed she was missing part of her 16 chromosome. It truly is just “bad luck” and the doctor said there was nothing we could have done, and he is confident that our baby is in the remaining 6 embryos we have frozen. We would like to do another transfer before the year is up, and we are cleared medically, now it’s just up to us when.

The past three months have been a struggle but they have also been amazing. I took a month off work and we spent time at the local pool with my two best friends who are stay-at-home moms. We celebrated my niece’s 12th birthday at a friend’s lake house where we boated, tubed, and she got a new four wheeler from us for her birthday. My husband got a promotion and to celebrate we bought a new motorcycle. We also celebrated my 31st birthday, and his 32nd birthday. We have been surrounded with so much love and support, I honestly don’t know how I got so blessed to have so many quality people in my life.

So while the past three months I have struggled emotionally, I honestly at this point feel like I know how to process this grief, doing it three times prior, and so while it has been painful, I feel like I’ve been able to manage it a little better this time around. I won’t drag this post out with all the things I have struggled with emotionally, instead I’ll just show our life in pictures and try to focus on all the wonderful things we have been blessed with.

 

 

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

That was the plan.

Married by 21. First kid by 23. Second kid by 25. And done.

That was the plan.

When I was 21 and married I thought I was well on my way to my “dream life”. I had a great job at a publishing company (my dream job), and even though I never saw him, and at one point he actually didn’t live at home, my husband was making a LOT of money at a job he got through my dad (dream scenario), and we were off birth control and actively trying to have a baby.

By the time I was 23 I had lived my own personal nightmare. I had spent many nights in bed asking God, “Why me, why us?” Why do we have to take all these medications, and go to all these appointments to have a baby. As I left the surgery center in 2008 after my first D&C I had convinced myself that this was normal, it would be different next time. In 2009 I begged the anesthesiologist to not let me wake up from my second D&C. A tear rolled down his cheek and he promised me I would be ok. I told my husband to leave me; I told him he would be happier with someone else and that he could have children with someone else.

It’s been over 8 years since I saw my first positive pregnancy test. In that time I have seen my friends and family get married, have children, and then have more children. I have lost a dear friend that I met through the TTC community to cancer and leave her husband and little girl behind. I have watched happy couples turn into different people and get a divorce.

I lost my dream job, and then lost the next one. My husband left his high paying job out of town to come home and be with me. We experienced some dark times in our marriage and there are days I look at him and can’t believe that he is still with me. I pushed HARD, but he says that God gave him broad shoulders for a reason. No matter how hard I pushed, he just held on tighter.

We fostered 9 children. We helped them through hard times, and then said good-bye.

Now I lay in bed, and I tell God, “I’m glad it was me, I’m glad it was us.” I am so thankful to have lived the life I have. To have experienced great success and even more failure. I am thankful that it hasn’t been easy. I am thankful for the circumstances that led us to be able to attempt donor egg IVF, I am thankful for the medicine, the science, and the appointments that we have to endure. I am thankful God believes in us enough to put us through such trials.

Even without a child, without the “happy ending”, I am happy.

#MicroblogMondays (yea I know I’m a little late lol)

 

Microblog Monday – For Him

#MicroblogMondays

I had an awesome weekend and I could totally spam you all with a million pictures and a 10,000 word blog on everything we did. With hubby’s new job where he is home every weekend we are having trouble staying home and doing nothing. I am hoping next weekend is a stay-at-home weekend….we’ll see…

We were headed to my dad’s yesterday and I felt like we had some quiet time for the first time all weekend. I looked over at my husband and just got all in the feels. I told him how much I loved him and then I just started to cry. Huge, crocodile tears. He tried consoling me because he thought it was the usual Father’s Day emotions about not being able to make him a dad yet, which is what usually happens every year.

I wiped my eyes and told him I wasn’t crying because I was sad. I was crying because in that moment, all I could feel was happiness and love. I looked over at this man, who has been in my life since I was 18 years old. I had a rush of memories and emotions and thought about how far we’ve come.

There are no words to express my gratitude to have this man as my husband. In that moment, I knew, regardless of what happens, we will be ok. That he will continue to pick me up when I fall and make me laugh when I want to cry. It is my hope that I can continue to support and encourage him and take care of him until the very end.

I’ll post some weekend spam on Instagram if you want to check it out 🙂

#MM – Peaceful

#MicroblogMondays

Things have been peaceful.

My husband is adjusting to his new job and is home by 4:30 and we have every weekend together now. We have gotten some real quality time in not only together but with our friends and family. We have been spending more time at home just enjoying each other and the home we’ve built over the last 8 years.

Last night we went outside and just sat in the swing for what seemed like forever. It was so quiet and the weather was beautiful. I’ve been playing around a little bit with time-lapse videos and posted it on Instagram of the beautiful clouds moving through.

Tomorrow we will celebrate 8 years of marriage and we’re only a month away from celebrating 11 years together. 11 years…wow…sometimes it barely seems real.

I had to dig through the blog but I knew this post was out there somewhere. It’s some of my favorite pictures of my husband and I and I thought I’d share again for any of the new readers out there.

Microblog Monday – A Letter

#MicroblogMondays

Last year my husband left a note at my desk (we work together). I remember reading it and knowing how special it was at the time, but this morning I was cleaning out my desk and found it and read it again. How did I get so lucky? We have been together for almost 11 years…and he still surprises me and makes me fall in love with him a little more every day.

For those of you who haven’t had almost 11 years to practice reading his hand writing, it says…

“I love you more than you will ever know. You are my world and I can’t wait for next year so we can finally write the chapter of our lives we’ve waited so long to write. You said you can’t wait to make me a dad, well I can’t wait to make you the mommy you so deserve to be and the mommy you’ve waited your whole life to become. I love you Darlin!”

*insert ugly cry face here*

This man…even if I am never a Mom. I thank God for sending me my husband. If it ends up just being me and him, I know we will be okay.