A bit of an Update

It’s been three months since my last entry…and I don’t even know where to begin.

We received our testing results back from losing our fourth pregnancy. It would have been a little girl and she had part of a missing chromosome. The doctor originally thought it was Turner’s syndrome but the testing showed she was missing part of her 16 chromosome. It truly is just “bad luck” and the doctor said there was nothing we could have done, and he is confident that our baby is in the remaining 6 embryos we have frozen. We would like to do another transfer before the year is up, and we are cleared medically, now it’s just up to us when.

The past three months have been a struggle but they have also been amazing. I took a month off work and we spent time at the local pool with my two best friends who are stay-at-home moms. We celebrated my niece’s 12th birthday at a friend’s lake house where we boated, tubed, and she got a new four wheeler from us for her birthday. My husband got a promotion and to celebrate we bought a new motorcycle. We also celebrated my 31st birthday, and his 32nd birthday. We have been surrounded with so much love and support, I honestly don’t know how I got so blessed to have so many quality people in my life.

So while the past three months I have struggled emotionally, I honestly at this point feel like I know how to process this grief, doing it three times prior, and so while it has been painful, I feel like I’ve been able to manage it a little better this time around. I won’t drag this post out with all the things I have struggled with emotionally, instead I’ll just show our life in pictures and try to focus on all the wonderful things we have been blessed with.

 

 

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

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That was the plan.

Married by 21. First kid by 23. Second kid by 25. And done.

That was the plan.

When I was 21 and married I thought I was well on my way to my “dream life”. I had a great job at a publishing company (my dream job), and even though I never saw him, and at one point he actually didn’t live at home, my husband was making a LOT of money at a job he got through my dad (dream scenario), and we were off birth control and actively trying to have a baby.

By the time I was 23 I had lived my own personal nightmare. I had spent many nights in bed asking God, “Why me, why us?” Why do we have to take all these medications, and go to all these appointments to have a baby. As I left the surgery center in 2008 after my first D&C I had convinced myself that this was normal, it would be different next time. In 2009 I begged the anesthesiologist to not let me wake up from my second D&C. A tear rolled down his cheek and he promised me I would be ok. I told my husband to leave me; I told him he would be happier with someone else and that he could have children with someone else.

It’s been over 8 years since I saw my first positive pregnancy test. In that time I have seen my friends and family get married, have children, and then have more children. I have lost a dear friend that I met through the TTC community to cancer and leave her husband and little girl behind. I have watched happy couples turn into different people and get a divorce.

I lost my dream job, and then lost the next one. My husband left his high paying job out of town to come home and be with me. We experienced some dark times in our marriage and there are days I look at him and can’t believe that he is still with me. I pushed HARD, but he says that God gave him broad shoulders for a reason. No matter how hard I pushed, he just held on tighter.

We fostered 9 children. We helped them through hard times, and then said good-bye.

Now I lay in bed, and I tell God, “I’m glad it was me, I’m glad it was us.” I am so thankful to have lived the life I have. To have experienced great success and even more failure. I am thankful that it hasn’t been easy. I am thankful for the circumstances that led us to be able to attempt donor egg IVF, I am thankful for the medicine, the science, and the appointments that we have to endure. I am thankful God believes in us enough to put us through such trials.

Even without a child, without the “happy ending”, I am happy.

#MicroblogMondays (yea I know I’m a little late lol)

 

Microblog Monday – For Him

#MicroblogMondays

I had an awesome weekend and I could totally spam you all with a million pictures and a 10,000 word blog on everything we did. With hubby’s new job where he is home every weekend we are having trouble staying home and doing nothing. I am hoping next weekend is a stay-at-home weekend….we’ll see…

We were headed to my dad’s yesterday and I felt like we had some quiet time for the first time all weekend. I looked over at my husband and just got all in the feels. I told him how much I loved him and then I just started to cry. Huge, crocodile tears. He tried consoling me because he thought it was the usual Father’s Day emotions about not being able to make him a dad yet, which is what usually happens every year.

I wiped my eyes and told him I wasn’t crying because I was sad. I was crying because in that moment, all I could feel was happiness and love. I looked over at this man, who has been in my life since I was 18 years old. I had a rush of memories and emotions and thought about how far we’ve come.

There are no words to express my gratitude to have this man as my husband. In that moment, I knew, regardless of what happens, we will be ok. That he will continue to pick me up when I fall and make me laugh when I want to cry. It is my hope that I can continue to support and encourage him and take care of him until the very end.

I’ll post some weekend spam on Instagram if you want to check it out 🙂

#MM – Peaceful

#MicroblogMondays

Things have been peaceful.

My husband is adjusting to his new job and is home by 4:30 and we have every weekend together now. We have gotten some real quality time in not only together but with our friends and family. We have been spending more time at home just enjoying each other and the home we’ve built over the last 8 years.

Last night we went outside and just sat in the swing for what seemed like forever. It was so quiet and the weather was beautiful. I’ve been playing around a little bit with time-lapse videos and posted it on Instagram of the beautiful clouds moving through.

Tomorrow we will celebrate 8 years of marriage and we’re only a month away from celebrating 11 years together. 11 years…wow…sometimes it barely seems real.

I had to dig through the blog but I knew this post was out there somewhere. It’s some of my favorite pictures of my husband and I and I thought I’d share again for any of the new readers out there.

Microblog Monday – A Letter

#MicroblogMondays

Last year my husband left a note at my desk (we work together). I remember reading it and knowing how special it was at the time, but this morning I was cleaning out my desk and found it and read it again. How did I get so lucky? We have been together for almost 11 years…and he still surprises me and makes me fall in love with him a little more every day.

For those of you who haven’t had almost 11 years to practice reading his hand writing, it says…

“I love you more than you will ever know. You are my world and I can’t wait for next year so we can finally write the chapter of our lives we’ve waited so long to write. You said you can’t wait to make me a dad, well I can’t wait to make you the mommy you so deserve to be and the mommy you’ve waited your whole life to become. I love you Darlin!”

*insert ugly cry face here*

This man…even if I am never a Mom. I thank God for sending me my husband. If it ends up just being me and him, I know we will be okay.