Moving on but not out.

The photographer that came to take pictures the first time we were all able to be together sent us the rest of the pictures. When I got to this one, all I could do was cry. Not because I am looking at my baby, but because of what you probably don’t see the first time you look at this picture.

My husband in the background.

***Trigger Warning: Birth, Miscarriage, and pregnancy mentioned in this post. Please protect you heart and skip this entry if needed***

IMG_0131.jpg

When we sat in the RE’s office in July of 2008 we never could have imagined the journey that was before us. We never could have foreseen the damage it would do to our faith, our hope, and our marriage. The years of bitterness and resentment that I will never get back. The people I let down because I just couldn’t be what they needed at that time because of the pain in my heart for my own short comings.

There is no sugar coating it. My body failed me. Time and time again. From the fiber of my DNA, my blood, my ovaries, and then my shitty cervix. We lost four babies and almost lost our little girl. The thought takes my breath away completely. There is no rhyme or reason why I went into pre-term labor when I did and every medication they gave me couldn’t have delayed in long enough to save her had it happened just 8 weeks before that when this all started.

The one thing that hasn’t failed though, is my husband’s unconditional love and support. Many nights I spent crying, begging him to leave me so he could have the life he deserved. So many times I couldn’t be the wife he needed because of the depression and anxiety that infertility and loss caused.

When I was admitted at 21 weeks he sat next to the bed and said, “I am ready to get off this roller coaster”. And so was I. We told each other that night that if we got this baby girl here safe that we would never go through this again. Then when I gave birth to our daughter at 28 weeks he told me he had a bad feeling something would have happened to me during child birth had we had her full term. I had been having the same feelings.

In this photo, I see a man who has fought harder that anyone would ever realize for this moment. This was his release. The moment that he knew our pain was finally over.

I will not be one of those people that tells you that having a baby didn’t erase all those years of pain, because in many ways it did. I understand that not all people have the same resolution but for the most part, I have moved on. The moment I heard my baby cry, I wanted to forget all the bad things we endured for her to be here. I don’t want to forget the losses, but those are a different part of my life now. They were necessary for us to get to here. Every loss taught us something different that helped save my little girl’s life. And even without her, each loss taught me something about myself. A piece of me that is irreplaceable. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I want to give myself permission to let go of all that pain, and move on with the pieces of me that remain from that pain.

Now, I want to get to know myself again. Learn about all these new and old pieces and how they fit together. Learn how to love my body again. Forgive it for the years of failure and thank it for holding on just long enough to bring me my miracle. I want to renew my relationship with God, and forgive Him. Yes, forgive HIM, because I have been angry at Him for far too long and forgot many times to trust Him in this journey. I want to move on.

I want to finally be able to help answer the question that I see so many women ask at this point, “Where do I go from here”? I want to figure out how to take all the pain and experience and use it to help others. I want to learn how to remain in the community that has supported me for the last 10 years.

I see so many women with “survivor’s guilt” leave because they don’t know what else to do. I want to find out how to stop that. We all connected because of a common goal and we have to stop acting like when we reach that goal we have to disconnect from all the amazing women who helped us along the way.

Last, but certainly not least. Thank you. Thank you for the years of love and support. Thank you for forgiving me even when I didn’t deserve it. Thank you for sharing in my joy even when it caused you pain. Thank you for teaching me how to look at the world through another set of eyes.

I hope you will continue down this journey with me moving forward…

 

Advertisements

MM: NIAW – Listen Up

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. As an infertile for over 8 years, and someone who has suffered trough more tests, needle pokes, ultrasounds, and more I feel like I should be an expert at talking about infertility but I just can never find the words.

If you would like to read a more eloquent post head over to Starbucks, Peace, and the Pursuit of a Baby where she put up a very great post about statistics, resources and more.

I have documented most of our journey on this blog…even though I just recently converted it over to Word Press the posts themselves have been going for quite some time now. This blog has never made me famous, I have never had thousands of followers, and I have never been featured anywhere fancy or had anyone ask me to guest post. The majority of people I meet through this blog go on to have healthy pregnancies, babies, and some even abandon their blog and I don’t talk to them again.

Some of us are put in each other’s life for only a moment, and some of us are blessed to get long term friendships from this community. But this week and every week, I hope that everyone knows that I am here, fighting with you, and you are not alone.

For more about us and our journey feel free to check out our bio here. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions!

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

 

Cancelled. 

Well, in all honesty I should have seen this coming. When it rains it really pours sometimes. 

My RE said it happens in about 10% of the cycles and we’re really good at hitting those small percentages. 

Our donors cycle has been cancelled. She went from slowly responding to not at all. 

We have another donor on deck but she has to go through all the testing so we are basically back at square one. 

Thank you all for the support and prayers. Please continue to send them our way as we take another curve in this long and bumpy path. 

From the Outside

I missed #MicroblogMonday because of the holiday. Hubby and I slept until noon after a very rough night the night before (family emergency – everyone is OK now) and basically spent the day on the couch not doing a whole lot. It was a beautiful day outside and we could have been doing yard work, house work, etc., but it was so nice doing NOTHING.

I feel like a constant theme on Instagram and blogs I read is how seeing pregnant women makes others heart’s hurt, or the inevitable shift that happens after someone from the TTC community has a live birth.

I have been thinking, what will happen if I this DE IVF works?! If I’m walking through a grocery store with a big pregnant belly, will there be some other woman who sees me and it gives her heartache? She won’t know my story, she won’t know how hard it was for me to conceive. She won’t know that I had to endure multiple losses, and 8+ years of infertility before I got there. Or if I’m blessed to have a child, she won’t know that this little baby I’m carrying around isn’t biologically mine, and that sacrifices were made in regards to my genetic link to my child to have this blessing.

This isn’t because I want recognition for my struggle, God knows I believe my story pales in comparison to others I’ve heard, but I don’t want others to have heartache if they see me carrying my miracle. I guess this ties in with Mel’s post about apology addiction. Even in all my anxiety about this upcoming cycle, even after everything I’ve been through, I already want to apologize for the people I could cause pain by getting pregnant. People I don’t even know.

I’ve mentioned to my husband that I am going to have a friend of ours that does screen printing make me a bunch of shirts, or a hoodie, something like that, with some sort of summary of my story. I told him anytime I leave the house I’ll wear it, because I don’t want someone to see me pregnant or carrying a baby and feel pain.

I know that pain is meant to be felt, and that everyone has to go through their grieving process and their emotions to get to the place they need to be, but there is just this part of me that wishes I could take it all away for them.

I guess it’s just another reminder for me to stay humble and thankful when I see others with pregnant bellies, or children. I have to remember that I don’t know how much heartache they endured to get to that point and that even if they didn’t have to go through what many of us have, the gift of life is a true miracle that should only be celebrated.

 

 

First Appointment

Yesterday was my first appointment with Dr Henry. Him and his entire staff were amazing. He was very positive and direct. Him and the nurse asked me a few questions and then proceeded to tell me what they are going to do to help. He never directly said why he thought my periods were so irregular. He just mentions he thinks I am just not ovulating. So he prescribed me 10mg of Provera that I will start as soon as my blood work comes back (he wanted to make sure I’m not already pregnant before I start the Provera) after 10 days of Provera I should start to bleed. On my first day of bleeding I have to call the office and they will tell me when to start taking my 50 mg of clomid. They will also schedule my x-ray dye test (hsg) to make sure that my tube are open. They will also schedule an ultrasound. The ultrasound will be to make sure the clomid is doing it’s job. At that time they will instruct me when to take the novarel 10,000 (hcg) shot. They will either do it at the office or depending on the size of the “egg” they will lahve me do it later at home. After the shot me and Nate have about 48 hours to fertilize the egg.

*Side note* They also instructed Nate to go in for a semen analysis to maek sure he is fertile*

According to the paperwork 14 days later we will take an HTP to see if it worked. I am very happy and pleasently surprised that the doctor is being so proactive about helping us get pregnant. I am now anxiously waiting to get my blood tests back so I can start the provera. Hopefully Nate will make it in some time next week for him semen analysis. I know he is really nervous about it but I’m sure everything will be fine. This journey is going to be a little different than we planned but the end result will all be worth it.

Signed
Optimistic