As I laid on the black chair next to my husband and Monte Agee an amazing tattoo artist on the west side running needles in and out of my side at over 3.000 times per minute, it all sunk in deeper than the ink he was putting there. I have a bible verse on my foot. Put there by the very same guy. It is Isaiah 57:1 for those of you that don’t know it, it says “the righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil” I put that on my body permanently for a reason. Just another thing that reminded me of how I have been going through life not actually looking at the things I could see. I put that there as a constant reminder that the people I have lost in my life were just too good for this earth. They were meant for bigger and better things and why we may never know the reasons why at the end of the day it should be enough that where they are at there is no pain, no tears, and no loss. Which in itself is just enough reason why they are not with us today. I lost something that will change my life forever, a child that was the combination of my husband and I and could have been here in just 6 short months with what I hope would be there dad’s eyes and my dark curly hair. But I will never know. It has been so easy to dwell on that alone. I have to face that my child was just too amazing for this world. That there smile will never grace our presence and it may simply be for the fact that their smile would have been too bright for this dark world. Please don’t take this for sadness or anything but reality. I have finally come to face everything I have been battling for the last few months and I finally see things in the light they were meant to be seen in. Now I have a new tattoo, it says “Should have seen it in color” For those of you that know the song it is a beautiful song that talks about looking at black and white pictures, and while they hold so many memories, you should have seen it in color. We chose to leave out the “you” on the tattoo. I decided that it will be a permanent reminder of the things I should have not only looked at, but saw. The color of the sky, the flowers, and even the dark colors of the dirt that is beneath my feet. That instead of just looking at it, I should have seen it in color. I should have seen it for everything it was and the beauty that it holds.
my tattoo – should have seen it in color
When we face something that tests who we are as a person sometimes we feel as though it will defeat us before we can ever get back up to try again. You pull yourself up, take a deep breath, and before you know it something has knocked the wind right out of you. It’s unexpected, you have no way to prepare for it, so how do you over come it? The only thing left is to get right back up…take a deep breath…and hold your head high. Sure you may get knocked down again, but every time you get back up it makes you just a little stronger. It makes every experience worth it in the end. Sure, it’s a lot easier than it sounds. And while I am going to try and take all of this in and start to really live my life. Will there be times where it still hurts so bad that I may be down for more than just a moment? Sure. But just know that eventually, I’ll get back up. Sometimes all by myself, and sometimes with the help of one of the amazing people that I have been blessed to have in my life. But one way or another I will get back up. And take a good look around at everything that God has blessed me with in my life.
I am sick of living this life for everything other than myself. I have a lot to look forward to this year. The birth of a new niece, and a niece/nephew. And the birth of two other babies that will forever be in my life. In the past two months I have not even been able to be there for the people who needed me most because I didn’t want to face the fact that they were gaining what I lost. I have the wedding of a best friend who has only been around a short time but has already touched my life in more ways than she will ever know. And in just about 5 months I will be celebrating my 1 year anniversary with my husband. I have that along with many other exciting things. I cannot let the things of the past that have pulled me down affect tomorrow anymore. They cannot be changed and only hurt my chances of living every minute to the fullest.
So a few days late, and after a lot of soul searching, my new life resolution is…
To live life for today not yesterday, to not only look but to see, to not let the struggles become triumphs over my soul, and the only time I look back is to remember all of the things that have made me who I am today…
Signed
Refreshed
the OCD infertile 