They say you never get over it, that this is something that you will never forget. I don’t know how I will ever let it not affect my life every single day. I feel like I’m not dealing with this as well as I should be. Like I should be at a different place than I am right now. But I haven’t even went to see my grandma yet because the thought of seeing her face for the first time since all this has happened breaks my heart. She was so excited and cried harder than anyone when I told her. She was so proud. Even hanging out with family is hard because I feel like they all look at me like I’m broken and fragile. And while I am – I wish I wasn’t. It’s complicated. I can’t even sit in the same room with my sister in law because I’m afraid she’ll say something about the baby she is expecting and I won’t be able to handle it. It’s not her fault – but I can’t help but be filled with jealousy when I see her husband rubbing her belly, because I wanted that, but I wasn’t even pregnant long enough to get that.
Someone said it best when they said that now even when I do get pregnant that my 9 months of joy and excitement will be replaced with fear. That every morning I’ll wake up afraid this could be the last day I am pregnant and that every night I’ll go to bed praying to give me just one more day. It’s just not fair. It has consumed everything in my life. I don’t want to get out of bed because my bed is the only place I feel safe from seeing pregnant women and babies and hearing about someone else getting what I have dreamed of my whole life.
And maybe that is why I feel like I am taking this harder than I should. You see since I was a little girl I have dreamed of being a mother. If you look at my baby tapes I always have a baby doll in my hand, and at my birthday parties getting a baby doll would stop me in my tracks and I wouldn’t want to open another single present. My mom says that when I was a kid I probably took better care of my baby dolls then most people do of their kids. For so long I have wanted a child. Sure there were times in my life where I was a self involved teenager and knew that I wasn’t ready for a child nor did I want one with who I was with at the time. But now I’m married, with a wonderful husband, a house, a good stable job, everything except a child. Someone that is the best of my husband and I combined.
This has drastically changed how I feel about all of it. I even found myself yesterday telling my husband I don’t even want to think about kids anytime soon. I feel like if by chance it were to happen and then something bad would happen I wouldnt’ be able to handle it. That it would be too much for me to deal with. I can’t imagine going through it again, especially anytime soon. Of course I should have faith that God will bless me with a happy healthy pregnancy and that I won’t ever have to go through this again. But fear is overwhelming and I can’t seem to over come it right now. And everyone keeps saying that it takes time, but every day I am just reminded that I would be further along today and closer to having a baby…blah!
Just wanted to get this all of my chest. I haven’t really had the energy to say any of this out loud. I feel like saying it out loud makes it more real than I am ready to deal with right now. So I’ll just continue to pour my heart onto paper and hope that one day I’ll have the courage to confront all this face to face.