Have you ever wanted to write something, needed to write something, but just weren’t sure how to. I have written a few blog posts but they all sit in drafts. I get about half way through then either lose my concentration, momentum, or it just doesn’t feel post worthy. I don’t know that this will say what I want it to either.
In July we will start our 9th year of infertility. The past year of our life has brought so many changes and I think I am still trying to process all of them.
Our niece continues to thrive and excel in everything she does. She finished her first season of swimming and is anxious to get back in the pool for a summer team. She is getting good grades in school and as I was told last week is apparently “totally one of the cool kids now, but not the snobby kind.” LOL! Life with an 11 year old.
Somewhere in between our first donor egg cycle and chemical pregnancy last year, until now, I have come to the realization that I no longer need a child. I still want one, yes, but I no longer need it. I no longer feel like my world is a teeter totter, waiting for the best, or the worst to happen.
I have this sense of peace in my life that I have never known. In the past few months I have discussed out loud for the first time with many people that I always felt like I was meant to raise someone else’s child. That in itself is a whole other blog post but from the time I was very young until even just before we got guardianship of our niece I have always felt this strong feeling that I was going to be a mother to someone who already had a mother. Now here I am…and it feels right.
I’m not sure that this blog says much of anything, but I feel like it also says everything. I’m not sure what our future holds but I am thankful that I am more comfortable living in the moment and feeling content in my own life regardless of the future.
As always I am sending love and hugs to all of you and I pray that you are getting everything you need.