Crippling Anxiety

A small update from my last post. I was able to talk to a very nice gentleman at CombiMatrix out of CA (the place that did our genetics test for our last loss) and the $6,750.00 they said I owed was reduced to $400. At first he got a little snippy and said they were going to send it to collections because of how long they had this bill (which in reality was actually only maybe 3 months), but when I snipped back at him and told him that we had lost our baby and I wasn’t in the mood to talk about a 7 thousand dollar bill for that loss he was very kind, apologized, and gave me the new owed amount. Within a couple days I had a letter in the mail stating the account was settled and with that the last step of “closure” from our loss was done.

One thing I am learning about myself, is that this last loss, combined with all the others, my anxiety is much worse than it used to be. I think when I try to analyze it, it’s because I was so blind sided by this last loss. We went in for our 10 week ultrasound and what should have been our last appt. with our RE. We took in this big obnoxious edible arrangement with balloons and everything (which only made me feel like even more of a fool later), and we laughed and smiled as our RE started the ultrasound only to be swiftly kicked on our ass. If I could forget my husband’s face and his voice asking “What?” over and over again, I would pay money to. It still makes me sick to my stomach to relive those few moments.

That feeling of “just knowing” that everything was going to be ok, and then finding out that it actually hadn’t been fine for quite a few days, makes me feel betrayed by my body in the worst way.

As we are in the process of our third FET, I am finding that I don’t trust my body anymore. I don’t trust that it’s going to do what it’s supposed to. I don’t trust that I’m ok, even if I feel ok, and fears of things like unknown cancers, terminal illnesses, etc. seem to be normal now. I feel like their is some unknown illness inside my body that they just haven’t discovered yet.

I find that sometimes I get so overwhelmed I spend more time in my room, in my bed, hiding from the world. Now, I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, or worrying about me. I am still working full time, I take care of my niece, and we still go to family events. But on nights when I would normally sit and watch TV in the living room, I feel more comfortable in my bed. When my friends ask about getting together, I am more inclined to say no, or just want a quiet movie night inside instead.

I think it will be a long time before I will trust my body again. If ever. I don’t know that a successful pregnancy would even help. I can imagine I would be crippled by anxiety every day, wondering if something had happened and I just didn’t know it yet.

I’m trying my best, and I feel like for the most part, I have healed from the loss, but I think that this one left a few more scars than the first three, and that those will take longer to fade.

Prayers to you and yours, wherever you are in your journey.

This blog was written for #MicroblogMonday. Find my blog and others that also participate here every Monday.

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6 thoughts on “Crippling Anxiety

  1. This anxiety is just so totally understandable and heartbreaking and unfair all at once. The image you described of your husband hit me hard. It triggers a memory of me wailing and sobbing ‘no, no, it can’t be true. This is a bad dream, wake me up’ to my husband when I was bleeding early pregnancy and him looking at me full of fear and despair and pain. The look on his face and my total breakdown still haunts me. That image won’t go away but I have healed in so many ways around it so it makes it less of a daily or even monthly pain. I wish that for you eventually. Sending my love.

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  2. I’m glad that bill was settled so you don’t have to worry about it. I’m really sorry to hear about the anxiety you’ve been experiencing. It makes sense after what you have been through. Maybe it would help to get some sort of therapy and have someone to discuss all your thoughts and fears with. I really hope everything goes well for your upcoming FET. If anyone deserves something good to happen, it’s you! Thinking of you. Hugs

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  3. So sorry for your loss. I completely understand that blindsided feeling – we had something similar when going in for what we thought was the appointment to hear a heartbeat only to discover the pregnancy was just a blighted ovum. It’s the worst fears coming true. All the anxiety and the what-ifs being actualized into a nightmare of a reality. I think the anxiety is normal and you should take whatever time you need to process. Good luck with your FET 3.

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  4. So many hugs and so much love your way. I am so very glad that the bill was settled, what an unnecessary insult to injury. I hope that you can find ways to find support and cope with the anxiety. Personally it sounds reasonable — you’ve sustained repeated trauma, with the last traumatic event being particularly cruel, and so it makes sense that you would be feeling the repercussions from it for longer, and stronger. I feel like grief is cumulative, and the pit can be super welcoming (even if it manifests as preferring to be in bed, or in my case facedown on the floor in my office that was once a nursery). I hope you can find a way to move forward and heal. I’m thinking of you, and hoping that your FET is kind to you.

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