Again…

Here I am. In a place I never wanted to be again. Popping pills and changing a pad every few hours because I’ve had to have a pregnancy surgically removed from my body.

Friday at what I thought would be an emotional but amazing day, graduation day from our RE for the first time since we began our journey in 2008, turned into my nightmare.

We carried in a large Edible Arrangement for the staff and everyone was excited to see us and our nurse even came into the lobby for a few minutes and sat with us to chat. Our appointment was at 9:30 and surprisingly sometime after 10:00am our RE actually was the one to call us back to the u/s room. He said that it had been an incredibly busy morning for the nurses so he was just going to get our u/s started. So for the first time in 9 years our RE was the only one in the room and doing an u/s for us for the first time. Almost instantly I knew something was wrong, Everything looked different and the strong movement and heartbeat I saw the week before was gone. Our RE said out loud almost immediately what he thought was the cause. A chromosome issue which felt like a slap in the face considering we used donor eggs to try and get away from this exact thing because of my Chromosome Translocation. He said it’s just something that happens, nothing that someone “passed down”. He can’t be 100% until testing is done but the fact that he said it almost immediately tells me he’s pretty confident.

I wish I could put into the words how the next 30 minutes or so went. I sobbed so loud I’m sure everyone in the office heard me, and my husband held me and I honestly think it was the only thing holding me on that table. Our RE exited the room and our nurse came in to hug me and cry with me. They then took us to his office so we could speak to him about what was next. They offered to let us leave but I didn’t want to leave without some type of answers.

I can tell he is at a loss and he says a few random medical things but ultimately he tells me that we should do a D&C because of how far along I am and the pain and waiting that could come with waiting for it to happen on it’s own. I agree because I also know with a D&C they can test our little one to find out for sure what happened.

Yesterday we had our D&C. The morning was just as surreal as this whole pregnancy has been. Feeling like this can’t be real and we can’t be going through this process again. When I went back to the OR I completely broke down. I have been on that table twice before and it gets harder every time. There was a very nice nurse who held my hand and rubbed my head. They gave me some oxygen and then told me I’d start to get sleepy. I tried fighting it, and I’m not really sure why, but eventually I faded.

When I woke up I was in so much pain. The nurse immediately gave me two pain pills but the pain kept getting worse. She started giving me medicine through my IV which started to help enough that I could get dressed and get ready to head home.

By the time we got home the medicine had fully kicked in and I slept most of the afternoon. I spend the evening sleeping and watching movies in bed with my husband. Our niece went to stay with a friend for a couple of days so we could have some time.

I have been so thankful for the out pouring of love and support from pretty much everyone we know. But honestly, I’m just angry. There is just no other words for what I am feeling right now. To get this far, to have such a healthy baby one week and then go through this. It doesn’t make any sense.

I want to write more about my emotions later but I felt for now just putting the experience down in words could help me process it just a little more.

We are hoping to have the results within the next few weeks and hoping that gives us some closure and that it’s also what our RE thinks it is because it would mean that the rest of our embryos shouldn’t be affected and it was just some random statistic that of course we found, but hopefully we won’t again.

Thank you again to everyone for the love and support.

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10 thoughts on “Again…

  1. I’m so sorry, this is such terrible heartbreak. Allow yourself to feel all your feelings, and know, you will come through this. (I have only just started following your blog and was really happy for you to hear of your recent pregnancy). Sending kindness and healing thoughts your way…

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  2. Totally understandable to feel angry. So very unfair that you are going through this. I found writing about my last miscarriage helped – I hope it brings you some release. Take care.

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