What I Wish I Could Say

Dear Biological Father,

There are so many things I want to say to you, but you see my mother raised me to be the “bigger person”. When I was younger I thought that meant I had to be a push-over but I learned there is a fine line in standing up for yourself and stooping to someone else’s level. Well, it is time I stood up not only for myself, but for your daughter, and I know you’ll never read this, but the universe needs to hear  it, and I need to say it.

When your daughter’s mother passed away we knew instantly that everything would change. Her mother made her wishes known that she wanted her daughter to live with us if anything were to ever happen to her. Those thoughts were confirmed when the first thing your daughter said to us after getting home from the hospital is that she wanted the same thing.

Over the next 6 months we answered the phone every single time you called , which wasn’t much, and sometimes had to sit back and watch as you “bullied” your 11 year old daughter into tears. While most of the time you still treat her like a small child instead of the intelligent young lady she is now, sometimes you forget you are talking to a child, your child, and you say selfish and hurtful things. Maybe you think that she will feel bad, and you will “win”, but I assure you that you are the one losing. As you push her further away you are not getting the chance to know just how amazing she is.

We tried to talk to you, reason with you, help you. We offered to help in any way we could to facilitate a good relationship between the two of you, but we remained firm that we would not only honor her mother’s wishes but her wishes as well for her to live with us. We told you we did not want money, we just wanted what was best for her, and although you may not agree with us, we know that being with us, and the only family she has ever truly known, is what is best for her.

There are times I have felt sorry for you. Maybe you never had the relationships she has with her family when you were younger, so you don’t understand that what you have been giving her is never going to be enough. Maybe you truly don’t know that as the parent it is your job to make a valiant effort to be in her life, even if she pushes you away, even if you argue and fight, it is your job to love her anyways. That is what being a parent means.

I thought once you heard her tell the judge why she feels the way she does, you would wake up. You would see that you have made mistakes and take action to correct that, but it is consistently made obvious that you don’t seem to be listening to her at all. Maybe you hear her, but are you really listening?

I know you are angry, and I would assume you are hurt, but honestly I can’t see that. Your anger is the only thing I see. But I will not apologize. I will never be sorry for taking every step necessary to do what I believe is best for her. I will never apologize for fighting for her, and for her future. I will not feel bad for assuring that she has a happy, healthy, and successful life.

You can tell everyone that you were “robbed” and that your “rights were taken from you”, but the truth is, we were fighting a losing battle. We are just her aunt and uncle and in every law you are preferred. So while you will prefer to place blame on us for “taking her”, we gave you the chance, and had you taken it, the outcome would probably have been much different.

I have allowed you to “shush” me over the phone, and I have heard the distaste in your voice when you say my name, but I don’t care. I don’t care if you like me, or respect me, but you will respect your daughter. Now that the court has made their decision, and we are her legal and permanent guardians, I can assure you that I will not allow you to disrespect her anymore. I will honor her mother and I will protect and love her without reservation.

Sincerely,
Me

PS: I meant what I said, I hope that you can find a way to put your pride aside and have a good relationship with your daughter, but if you don’t, you will be the only one to blame.

 

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4 thoughts on “What I Wish I Could Say

  1. I am so glad to see this. She is SO lucky to have you. Thank you for fighting for this little girl- he is missing out. Of that I am certain! And she’ll know it. ❤

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  2. I’m living in a very open foster care adoption and can so relate to a lot of what you said in this letter. It’s not an easy thing but I’m so glad the judge saw reason and allowed your niece to stay with you. It’s clear you have her best interests at heart and I, like you, hope her father is able to gain some clarity and have a healthy relationship with her someday. Virtual hugs from afar.

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