But What if We Lose…

Last night I stayed up late, binge watching Gotham on Netflix then laying in bed watching Youtube videos to try and occupy my mind. Unfortunately, and inevitably my eyes grew heavy and tired and I gave in and shut my phone off, said a little prayer, and drifted off to sleep.

The minute I woke up this morning my chest felt like an elephant was sitting on it, there was a giant lump in my throat and I laid there tossing and turning, hoping to slow the minutes until I had to get out of bed.

I can only assume, the next two nights and morning following this one will be the same. You see, we have court Wednesday morning at 9:00am for permanency guardianship for our niece. Our guardianship is being contested by her biological father that only shares a few memories with her and a name on a birth certificate.

When I look at her, all I see is worry. She has told me how scared she is to go to court and she doesn’t know what she will do if she has to move. She has cried and held my hand much more in the past few days. She hugs us every moment she gets, squeezing tight and saying “I love you”. She asks us if we are okay.

And I am fucking terrified. (Please excuse my language)

This is by far the scariest moment of my entire life. I have lost a lot in my life and death has been a thief to many I love, including my own children, but the thought of potentially losing her, it feels like someone is tapping on my chest wall, just ready to rip it out.

We have many people in our corner, including a “mediator” attorney who was assigned to be an objective person to the case who weighed heavily in our favor, a letter from the school she has been attending regarding her outstanding performance and participation at school, and lots of family. But there is always that chance that because he is her biological father that he automatically has some sort of right to her. Even though my husband has been, and continues to be a bigger presence in her life that her biological father ever has been.

Please keep us in your prayers. Please pray that she is able to continue her life with us and that we will get final and clear answers on Wednesday and this won’t continue and hang over our head. Thank you all for your continued support. I promise I will update as soon as I’m able on Wednesday.


14 thoughts on “But What if We Lose…

  1. It sounds as if this should be the easiest decision this judge will ever make, but obviously it doesn’t always work out in a way that’s right. I’ll be thinking and praying for you. I so hope things go your way because it sounds like what is truly best for her! Hang in there! Xoxo


  2. I will be sending so many good thoughts, especially that the impersonal system doesn’t get in the way of the actual humans standing before it. That her feelings are taken into account by the judge, too.


  3. I will be thinking of you, and hoping that this process favors the child in question — I can imagine it would be terrifying to think of suddenly living with someone who mostly has been a name on a birth certificate.


  4. Pingback: MTHFR | the OCD infertile

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