I’m Trying

I tried writing a post last week. It took me hours to edit and piece together the thoughts that had flooded onto the computer screen. But I couldn’t publish it publically.

I feel like this blog is a book sometimes, and I have hit a massive writing block. Not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I don’t want to say it. I type it out and I delete it. I read it and change it, only to delete it.

My life has been a series of unfortunate events and I’m sick of being a victim. I am trying to be positive, I am clinging onto the strength I have left, but I don’t want to feel this white knuckle feeling of fear anymore.

Things are still so uncertain with the guardianship of my niece. It leaves me with a permanent lump in my through and makes me sick to my stomach to worry that for no other reason than the fact he is her biological father, the judge will say she has to live with him. Even though, for the last 11 years, she has had more over nights, holidays, and memories with us. Even though, she has made it clear that that’s not what she wants.

I continue to be on blood thinners for the blood clot in my leg. It’s frustrating because this one little pill is the only thing standing in the way of us doing a FET. I keep thinking I will call the doctor and ask if I can stop them sooner and maybe just take Aspirin or something but I quickly talk myself out of it, and part of me thinks this is God’s way of making us wait.

I am going to pull out my “In the Wait” book today, try to clear my head, and start this week off right. Thank you to everyone for their continued support, comments, and love. I read every single one of them and they help me through the tough days. I pray that you all are well. ❤

#MicroblogMonday

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5 thoughts on “I’m Trying

  1. Oh, thinking of you and wrapping you in so much love through the fiber optics of the internet… I am so sorry that there are further complications. I am so sorry that it feels like a series of unfortunate events. I feel like maybe letting those thoughts live as drafts might be helpful, so you can see where you were and where you are each day, and really get your thoughts out. Not publicly if you don’t want those thoughts out there in the ether, but privately, so they get to exist and be released but don’t have a forum. Does that makes sense? You are living in a very hard place, and I am so hoping that your wait comes to an end and things resolve in the best possible way.

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  2. Agree with Jess. It might be helpful keeping those as drafts… to keep that recording of your thoughts. I’m sorry things have been so hard. My heart hurts for your niece. I hope the judge keeps her wishes in consideration too. And I hope this clot resolves soon!

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