I feel…

Well, honestly, I’m not sure. And it’s the post I’ve been trying to write, the thoughts in my head that I’ve been trying to process, and right now, I just don’t know how. It’s like I am lost in a maze of my mind and I just don’t know what I’m going to be like once I reach the exit sign. Will I make it out? Maybe… Will I make it out in one piece, still happy, still optimistic, still hopeful…I just don’t know.

I could go down this list of the things that just keep piling up, but to write it all down seems even more redundant than living each horrible moment, one right after another, like we have been.

Friday, we said good-bye to our boy Ruger. He passed in my husband’s arms in our back yard. We took him to be cremated and his ashes were brought home with an impression of his paw print by the next day. He was my “Marley”, he is the dog who changed how myself and my family and friends viewed pit bulls, he is the reason I started volunteering with a local pit bull rescue, and he was always there to comfort me through all the things we have faced since we brought him home almost 10 years ago just a couple weeks before Christmas. He loved every person and animal that he ever met. He was my heart dog. The bed seems a little more empty, dinner time is hard because I don’t see his eyes peeking over the table, and I cried as I got out of the shower last night because he wasn’t standing there trying to lick the water off the side of the tub.

It is getting to the point where I feel like people are texting me often and sending me kind words because they want to make sure I don’t do something stupid. People have all of but stopped offering to help us because they know there is nothing they can do, they have stopped trying to remind us to stay positive and have just started saying things like, “I just don’t understand,” or “Will you guys ever catch a break?”. Even the most faithful people have questioned why God has put us through all of this in a short amount of time.

I don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m questioning if I’m doing really well at coping or I’m just numb to it all. I go through moments where I feel like I am angry with God, but I also have moments where I still trust Him, I still believe this is all for the greater good, and humorously I think to myself, well maybe because all of this bad stuff is happening right now, all at once, we will have a year or two of peace after this. But as each bad things keeps happening, I feel a little more jaded each time and that maybe this is just our new normal. Maybe it won’t stop, and maybe this is just how life is.

There is so much more going on even behind the scenes. Too much to type. I just need a break. I feel like I’m somehow I am remaining positive, but that goes back to what I said earlier when I question if it’s that or if I’m just numb at this point.



10 thoughts on “I feel…

  1. You truly have faced so much and I am so sorry that you’ve had to deal with all that you have in the last few months (and longer). It truly is hard to see God’s plan sometimes, especially when tragedies continue to pile up. I can relate to the numbness but just hope that once it does wear off there will be hope and faith instead of sadness and grief because those things can be such a heavy load to carry.


  2. I am so sorry the hits just keep coming, and you don’t have the chance to work your way through even a tiny bit of one before the next one. You are living in a very, very hard place. Sometimes numb is a coping mechanism of itself…but it can’t last forever (even though it sure as hell can seem that way). I am glad that you have friends and family letting you know how much they care during this beyond difficult time. It is horrible now and will echo horrible into the future, but it will get better. There will be lightness in the dark. I’m thinking of you and sending you so much love. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dog, and for all the losses that preceded this one.


  3. I’m sorry about Ruger. My coworker had to put her dog down over the weekend. The loss was amplified since it reminded her of her son who died in a car accident a year ago. Boy and dog had a special bond.
    It seems that both of you are being tested. Why? Hell if I can figure that out.


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