Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can’t overcome the things that life throws at you. I think at some point you just have to stand like a statue in a storm and wait for it to pass. Not hide, not fight it, just let it happen.
When my sister-in-law was attacked in July it was the start of a nightmare that I still haven’t woken up from. There have been some good moments sandwiched in the middle but honestly, these past couples months have just sucked.
No rhyme and not yet a reason.
Last Thursday we transferred two “perfect” embryos. The lab said that our embryos were winning the beauty pageant. The transfer went smooth and things felt like they were starting to get a little brighter.
Over the weekend, what I thought was muscle pain from walking in the boot from the wreck where I broke three bones in my foot turned into the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. Monday I was admitted to the hospital for a massive blood clot that spans three veins and goes from my calf to my thigh.
Thursday, they did my beta. We knew it was early but my RE thought it would be better to know ASAP given the circumstances. It came back a 10. The nurse said it could still go up and that she was hopeful and that we needed to have it re-done on Saturday.
It is now Saturday and I’m still here. I was just taken off the blood thinner drip in my IV this morning and converted to injections. The did my next beta and I knew as soon as I heard my nurses voice that it was bad news.
The beta did not double.
She said I have to stay on all medications and they will re-do it on Tuesday just to be sure but I know that is simply protocol and their due diligence.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t crushed. I wanted the nurse to hook up my IV again and give me something to numb the pain. I wanted to rip off my estrogen patches off and throw the PIO out of the third story hospital window.
But, here I stand (well lay) and I just have to let it happen. I have to go through these motions and just wait for the storm to pass.
Now don’t think I’m just laying here feeling sorry for myself. Over the past two months I am reminded of the fight that is inside me and my family, and I am reminded of how my husband always has the right things to say, and that his arms wrapped around me make the storm a little easie to bear.
We still have 8 beautiful embryos on ice, 4 of which were so great they were frozen on day 5.
I now can focus on getting out of this damn hospital and getting back to some sort of normal and then doing it all over again. I truly believe this transfer was working until I was admitted into the hospital and put on some pretty serious high doses of blood thinners.
We will never know…