I am not in control.

It feels so odd….We will be doing a transfer in less than two weeks and it doesn’t feel like we are that close at all.

I have only been on Estrace which seems to be going ok, I haven’t noticed any crazy symptoms but I’ve also been pre-occupied with a horrible head congestion something or other that turned into world’s worst ear infection. I’m finally on the mend.

I emailed the nurse this morning to see if we have any updates or when we can expect the lab to call for the hub’s sample. It has felt so weird that we haven’t seen our RE through this whole process. The practice posted a picture of him on their Facebook yesterday and I looked at it a few different times and smiled at his big smile in the picture. He has been such a God send to us but we haven’t seen him since January at our initial DE consult.

I have my lining check next week and I have actually never been happier to have to make the drive to our clinic and see my RE and “Wanda“. Although I’m sure the nurse is doing the check I hope he’s there too.

I had a friend ask me if/when we would get updates on our donor’s process. The nurse mentioned that she would let me know after the Day 4 check-up but I haven’t heard anything yet. I told my friend that I’ve just been trying to enjoy the stress free road and give up control. Which has been surprisingly easy for my control freak OCD self. I have prayed a lot, and spent a lot of time in my Bible and my “In the Wait” book which has been good for me. I am just trying to remember that God is in control, and that he sent us this donor and I’m honestly not worried about our donor’s progress, I know that God and are RE are taking care of her.

I don’t say this for pity, I say this out of a deep gratitude for what our donor is going through right now. Right now, it’s not about me, and I’m not part of the equation…(yet). Honestly, I know it’s what God intended all along. I’m thankful I didn’t put myself through the worry of trying to use my own eggs and everything that would have entailed.

I have never felt more at peace with our decision.


4 thoughts on “I am not in control.

  1. Isn’t it weird that you feel very remote because you don’t have to stim? This time when we do our new DE cycle I’d be even more remote because I will not be the one prepping for my lining. There is nothing better than being at peace with your decision knowing that God is in control and has a plan. I will have to check our the book that you mentioned. I hope and pray that the donor’s stims is going well and your lining grows equally well!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s hard to give up control. Especially in infertility since you have so little to begin with. I hope everything continues to go smoothly for you. And I’m so glad you feel so at peace with your decision. I really think that’s how you know if you made the right one or not.


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