Microblog Monday – The Infinite Infertile?

I’ve found a good community of TTC girl through Instagram. I’ve been following waiting on either egg retrieval numbers, fertilization rates, or beta tests for a few girls who are using donor eggs. Most of them have all had great cycles so far, and I find myself being incredibly over joyed for them…

Then, something creeped in. I’m not sure where it came from but it hit hard.

Am I just happy for them because I think I’m going to join them? Am I happy for their success because somehow it feels like it makes my odds better? Would I be as happy for them if our cycle fails?

*gut punch*

The answer is I’m not really sure. I know I am happy for them, and even after 8+ years of infertility, loss, and no children, I am at a place where I have found joy in other pregnancies so I can only assume that a part of me would be happy for them regardless. I pray that even if my cycle doesn’t work, I can continue to support and cheer on my fellow DE Ladies in the same capacity…

Then, someone who has been through countless IVF treatments with no success posted about the potential of them switching to use donor eggs. I told her I would keep her in my prayers and she started following me. She then posted something about following my journey.

I wanted to tell her, “NO”. Don’t follow me. Don’t put your faith in me. Don’t look to me in hopes of being that good donor egg cycle that will give you what you need to move forward in donor eggs. Don’t look for my BFP and believe it can be yours. I have failed people before, I will fail you. I won’t be the success story that gives you hope…

Just as my TTC support group, my friends, and my family all had children and I was left as the only one infertile, there are times where no amount of positive can tell me this will be any different. I feel like at times I am destined to be the infinite infertile

Why can I believe in others but sometimes not myself?
Why can I look at them and their success and not ever truly believe it will happen to me?

I honestly don’t know…all I know is that I just have to keep believing that it can could be might be WILL be me.

#MicroblogMondays

 

 

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Microblog Monday – The Infinite Infertile?

  1. I can relate to all of this. It’s very hard after so many years to believe it could be your time. You get used to being the one it didn’t work for. Moving to donor eggs is hard and brings lots of difficult decisions with it. For me, it’s helpful to see how others tackle those along the way, it’s not just about the positive outcome. That said I do think this is your time. I’m rooting for you and at times like this when doubt creeps in, i hope that helps!

    Like

  2. That’s understandable. You’ve been dealing with this for years and it’s hard to stay positive all the time. You can try, but don’t beat yourself up for not feeling positive. Just keep moving forward as long as it feels right for you. It’s all you can do.

    Like

  3. Because the unknown is enormous; sometimes it feels even larger than the hope so the hope drops down into it and disappears. I’m glad that you’ve found this group. Everyone needs a cheering section, support from people who “get it.”

    Like

  4. A support group is so very helpful and it sounds like you have found a great one! While I was going through treatment something that helped me was remembering that if other ladies found success, then it was a win against infertility and it gave me hope rather than despair. Of course I wanted it to be me along with them but simply because someone else succeeds doesn’t mean that there are only a finite number of babies out there and that I wouldn’t have one.

    We are all rooting for you!

    Like

  5. I am rooting for you! I think it’s a double edged sword, support groups following similar paths. You all get it, but you might find yourself finding success differently or at different times. I know my sister told me that she sent friends of hers to my blog who are going through infertility, and my first knee-jerk reaction was, “oh God, tell them to read earlier posts, I’m just a big fat cautionary tale…” but it’s important to hear all the stories. You don’t have to be the great hope of the group, it would be good for you all to hold each other through these trying times. So hard not to compare numbers, but it’s all so individual. I am thinking of you and hoping that you will be successful, and that the support is helpful!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s