That was the plan.

Married by 21. First kid by 23. Second kid by 25. And done.

That was the plan.

When I was 21 and married I thought I was well on my way to my “dream life”. I had a great job at a publishing company (my dream job), and even though I never saw him, and at one point he actually didn’t live at home, my husband was making a LOT of money at a job he got through my dad (dream scenario), and we were off birth control and actively trying to have a baby.

By the time I was 23 I had lived my own personal nightmare. I had spent many nights in bed asking God, “Why me, why us?” Why do we have to take all these medications, and go to all these appointments to have a baby. As I left the surgery center in 2008 after my first D&C I had convinced myself that this was normal, it would be different next time. In 2009 I begged the anesthesiologist to not let me wake up from my second D&C. A tear rolled down his cheek and he promised me I would be ok. I told my husband to leave me; I told him he would be happier with someone else and that he could have children with someone else.

It’s been over 8 years since I saw my first positive pregnancy test. In that time I have seen my friends and family get married, have children, and then have more children. I have lost a dear friend that I met through the TTC community to cancer and leave her husband and little girl behind. I have watched happy couples turn into different people and get a divorce.

I lost my dream job, and then lost the next one. My husband left his high paying job out of town to come home and be with me. We experienced some dark times in our marriage and there are days I look at him and can’t believe that he is still with me. I pushed HARD, but he says that God gave him broad shoulders for a reason. No matter how hard I pushed, he just held on tighter.

We fostered 9 children. We helped them through hard times, and then said good-bye.

Now I lay in bed, and I tell God, “I’m glad it was me, I’m glad it was us.” I am so thankful to have lived the life I have. To have experienced great success and even more failure. I am thankful that it hasn’t been easy. I am thankful for the circumstances that led us to be able to attempt donor egg IVF, I am thankful for the medicine, the science, and the appointments that we have to endure. I am thankful God believes in us enough to put us through such trials.

Even without a child, without the “happy ending”, I am happy.

#MicroblogMondays (yea I know I’m a little late lol)

 

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5 thoughts on “That was the plan.

  1. So glad you have a heart of gratitude. It goes a long way when times get tough. Hope and pray that the DE cycle works out and you’ll end this 8-year journey with a baby in your arms. ❤

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    • Thank you dear! I keep you close in my thoughts and prayers as well! May our long hard journeys end soon with beautiful healthy babies. So thankful for those like you I’ve met along the way 🙂

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  2. Ah, the plan. It helps so much to let go of that plan (not that there’s a choice, right?) and think on all the things that are possible, that have been good, even when faced with so much heartache. I love your gratitude in the face of pain and difficulty, and your hope for the future and this egg donor cycle. I hope that this part of the plan gels with this cycle. Thinking of you!

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