Stand up.

he's drowning

I started rubbing my eyes and tossing from one side to the other. I tried turning my pillow over and making my giant dog scoot over so I could have a little more of the King size bed that he thinks we bought just for him.

I kept tossing and turning and my eyes went from shut to wide open in a matter of seconds. I look at the clock, 9:23pm, then I remember the power went out a few days ago and this thing is a giant pain in the ass to fix. I hit the button on my phone. 4:03am, and a text message.

“Call me as soon as you get this.”

I text back because it’s been a couple hours now and I hope this person was just having a rough night and has fallen asleep by now.

My text goes off almost immediately.

I am a family member of someone who struggles with addiction; and these messages have been becoming much more frequent. The past year has been a series of midnight phone calls, worried searching for this family member, and trying to help his wife and kids the best I can.

I’m worried it’s getting to the part where he truly hits rock bottom. Unfortunately, I’m afraid that he won’t recover from the type of rock bottom he will have to hit. And it scares the shit out of me. He has always been an extreme person. Extreme highs, and extreme lows. He loves hard and hates harder.

I have put on a brave face for so long, and this morning, I just laid in bed, clutched my pillow and cried. It seems as though we are in the beginning of the end and there is nothing any of us can do to stop this downward spiral.

There is no TV camera crew and dramatic music that will play when this reaches its boiling point.

I am at a loss. I spoke to my best friend last night and she reminded me that I can’t fix this. She knows me well and knows that if I could take it all away for him and his wife and kids I would. She reminded me that I can’t.

I don’t even know the point of writing this out, my heart is just heavy and I don’t know where to put all this anymore. I don’t have anymore room inside myself for it. In the beginning I was angry, and now I am just sad. Sad that the person I knew and love is gone and not sure if I’ll ever truly know that person again.

Keep my family close in yours thoughts and prayers please.

To you. I love you. I always will. Unconditionally.

#MM

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8 thoughts on “Stand up.

  1. I’m so so sorry that you and your friend and their family are suffering like this. I just hope that they can get through it. As you say there’s absolutely nothing you can do but support and guide where appropriate. Life isn’t easy a lot of the time for many many people. Keep writing if it helps. We’re here to listen. Sending hugs. X

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  2. That was the point of writing it out: so we could all hold this burden with you rather than holding it alone. No, we can’t remove it, we can’t stop things from happening. But we can abide with you as you support him. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

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  3. Heartbreaking. I had a sister suffer with addiction. She is now sober 4+ years but in the worst of it I felt so helpless and hopeless. Thinking of you and hope you can hold onto the perspective that is out of your hands.

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  4. It is so dreadfully hard to accept when we are powerless. And so hard to feel those emotions, to deal with them, to let them flow. But so necessary too. Loss in its myriad ways is always hard. I’m so very sorry you are facing this.

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