I missed #MicroblogMonday because of the holiday. Hubby and I slept until noon after a very rough night the night before (family emergency – everyone is OK now) and basically spent the day on the couch not doing a whole lot. It was a beautiful day outside and we could have been doing yard work, house work, etc., but it was so nice doing NOTHING.
I feel like a constant theme on Instagram and blogs I read is how seeing pregnant women makes others heart’s hurt, or the inevitable shift that happens after someone from the TTC community has a live birth.
I have been thinking, what will happen if I this DE IVF works?! If I’m walking through a grocery store with a big pregnant belly, will there be some other woman who sees me and it gives her heartache? She won’t know my story, she won’t know how hard it was for me to conceive. She won’t know that I had to endure multiple losses, and 8+ years of infertility before I got there. Or if I’m blessed to have a child, she won’t know that this little baby I’m carrying around isn’t biologically mine, and that sacrifices were made in regards to my genetic link to my child to have this blessing.
This isn’t because I want recognition for my struggle, God knows I believe my story pales in comparison to others I’ve heard, but I don’t want others to have heartache if they see me carrying my miracle. I guess this ties in with Mel’s post about apology addiction. Even in all my anxiety about this upcoming cycle, even after everything I’ve been through, I already want to apologize for the people I could cause pain by getting pregnant. People I don’t even know.
I’ve mentioned to my husband that I am going to have a friend of ours that does screen printing make me a bunch of shirts, or a hoodie, something like that, with some sort of summary of my story. I told him anytime I leave the house I’ll wear it, because I don’t want someone to see me pregnant or carrying a baby and feel pain.
I know that pain is meant to be felt, and that everyone has to go through their grieving process and their emotions to get to the place they need to be, but there is just this part of me that wishes I could take it all away for them.
I guess it’s just another reminder for me to stay humble and thankful when I see others with pregnant bellies, or children. I have to remember that I don’t know how much heartache they endured to get to that point and that even if they didn’t have to go through what many of us have, the gift of life is a true miracle that should only be celebrated.