From the Outside

I missed #MicroblogMonday because of the holiday. Hubby and I slept until noon after a very rough night the night before (family emergency – everyone is OK now) and basically spent the day on the couch not doing a whole lot. It was a beautiful day outside and we could have been doing yard work, house work, etc., but it was so nice doing NOTHING.

I feel like a constant theme on Instagram and blogs I read is how seeing pregnant women makes others heart’s hurt, or the inevitable shift that happens after someone from the TTC community has a live birth.

I have been thinking, what will happen if I this DE IVF works?! If I’m walking through a grocery store with a big pregnant belly, will there be some other woman who sees me and it gives her heartache? She won’t know my story, she won’t know how hard it was for me to conceive. She won’t know that I had to endure multiple losses, and 8+ years of infertility before I got there. Or if I’m blessed to have a child, she won’t know that this little baby I’m carrying around isn’t biologically mine, and that sacrifices were made in regards to my genetic link to my child to have this blessing.

This isn’t because I want recognition for my struggle, God knows I believe my story pales in comparison to others I’ve heard, but I don’t want others to have heartache if they see me carrying my miracle. I guess this ties in with Mel’s post about apology addiction. Even in all my anxiety about this upcoming cycle, even after everything I’ve been through, I already want to apologize for the people I could cause pain by getting pregnant. People I don’t even know.

I’ve mentioned to my husband that I am going to have a friend of ours that does screen printing make me a bunch of shirts, or a hoodie, something like that, with some sort of summary of my story. I told him anytime I leave the house I’ll wear it, because I don’t want someone to see me pregnant or carrying a baby and feel pain.

I know that pain is meant to be felt, and that everyone has to go through their grieving process and their emotions to get to the place they need to be, but there is just this part of me that wishes I could take it all away for them.

I guess it’s just another reminder for me to stay humble and thankful when I see others with pregnant bellies, or children. I have to remember that I don’t know how much heartache they endured to get to that point and that even if they didn’t have to go through what many of us have, the gift of life is a true miracle that should only be celebrated.

 

 

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4 thoughts on “From the Outside

  1. It’s so hard, knowing what you know about the pain that pregnant bellies can cause women going through infertility, thinking that one day your belly may cause the pain even though you worked and worked and worked for that experience. We really never know the stories around us, and it’s so easy to assume that every belly was an “easy baby.” The t-shirt idea made me laugh, but I don’t think you owe the general public your whole story. I love that you are being sensitive and thinking towards what it would feel like to inadvertently cause someone pain just by being, but in the end all you can do is live your life and clarify if someone says something to you. When you get that belly, you deserve to enjoy every minute of it without the guilt of possibly making someone else sad. (That goes for complaining about everyday pregnancy things too — I never thought it was fair that you’d have to go through infertility and then somehow lose the right to complain because “this is what you wanted so badly,” which was said to a friend of mine. Argh). You are so very thoughtful, which is such a lovely attribute!

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  2. It’s strange to think that you could become for someone else what other people are for you; both the good and the bad. You could be the understanding person who makes another person’s day a little easier by reaching out. And I think you’re right; the grief sometimes needs to be felt, and you can’t do anything to protect that person from it.

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  3. You are such an incredibly thoughtful person! I mean, with all that you’ve been through, it would be so easy (and totally understandable) if you didn’t give a second thought to others feelings once you finally have your miracle so it’s awesome that you are still able to be so selfless, props to you girlfriend!!! 🙂

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