I had a deep conversation with my RE this week because I ended up calling him after I felt like the nurse wasn’t really answering my questions. I NEVER do this, in all the years of going to him, I have never once felt so frustrated that I called him directly. Well, until last week. I just felt like every time I spoke to the nurse she was giving me the same answers. “We sent out paperwork last week to quite a few potential donors and we will keep you in the loop if we hear anything.” I feel like I’ve heard this a million times now. Every time I call it’s the same answer. The only time she hasn’t said that was to tell me that two potential donors she called said unfortunately they were pregnant, one with twins.
(SIDE NOTE) Now while I have gotten to a point in my life where pregnancy announcements don’t bother me, these did. I have realized logically that someone else being pregnant, doesn’t affect my ability to be pregnant, that it just really isn’t about me. Their joy and pregnancy is theirs, they didn’t steal mine. This felt different, because in reality, by them being pregnant, it meant it did affect my ability to be pregnant (or get their eggs to TRY to become pregnant).
I expressed all of this to my doctor, and how I felt like I wasn’t getting enough of the right information and too much of the wrong information.He totally understood and as always he was prompt in calling me back after looking into a few things and left me feeling much better about it all. He agreed that the nurse should be keeping me in the loop more and even called Friday to leave me a voicemail about two potential donors although one is immediately crossed off my list because she is 30 years old. We were really hoping for a younger donor. The other donor was 23 so she might be a good candidate.
But, this got me thinking…and it was something I said when I was talking to my doctor and once again, my brain caught up to my heart. I said, “This is already such a big sacrifice on my part, such a hard decision, and the difficulty in even finding a donor has left me feeling like it’s God’s way of telling me it’s not what we should be doing”. You see, the truth is, that since my second miscarriage in 2009, I have just accepted this reality and gotten to a point where I have made myself believe that God is telling me I won’t be a mother. Every attempt we have taken since then has felt like someone else’s life. When we fostered children, although rewarding, we totally lost ourselves in it. I got to a point where I became someone I didn’t even know. It just didn’t feel like us.
I struggle with this so much. I believe in God, and I believe that he has a path for us. I have prayed and prayed about what that path should be and it’s led us here. I guess I just don’t trust myself enough to know if it’s really God, or if it’s just me. I cried uncontrollably on the phone with my mother that night and asked her, “How do I know if God is telling me not now, or not ever…”
I don’t know.
I continue to pray and hope for an answer, a clear answer.