Microblog Monday – Not Now or Not Ever

I had a deep conversation with my RE this week because I ended up calling him after I felt like the nurse wasn’t really answering my questions. I NEVER do this, in all the years of going to him, I have never once felt so frustrated that I called him directly. Well, until last week. I just felt like every time I spoke to the nurse she was giving me the same answers. “We sent out paperwork last week to quite a few potential donors and we will keep you in the loop if we hear anything.” I feel like I’ve heard this a million times now. Every time I call it’s the same answer. The only time she hasn’t said that was to tell me that two potential donors she called said unfortunately they were pregnant, one with twins.

(SIDE NOTE) Now while I have gotten to a point in my life where pregnancy announcements don’t bother me, these did. I have realized logically that someone else being pregnant, doesn’t affect my ability to be pregnant, that it just really isn’t about me. Their joy and pregnancy is theirs, they didn’t steal mine. This felt different, because in reality, by them being pregnant, it meant it did affect my ability to be pregnant (or get their eggs to TRY to become pregnant).


I expressed all of this to my doctor, and how I felt like I wasn’t getting enough of the right information and too much of the wrong information.He totally understood and as always he was prompt in calling me back after looking into a few things and left me feeling much better about it all. He agreed that the nurse should be keeping me in the loop more and even called Friday to leave me a voicemail about two potential donors although one is immediately crossed off my list because she is 30 years old. We were really hoping for a younger donor. The other donor was 23 so she might be a good candidate.
But, this got me thinking…and it was something I said when I was talking to my doctor and once again, my brain caught up to my heart. I said, “This is already such a big sacrifice on my part, such a hard decision, and the difficulty in even finding a donor has left me feeling like it’s God’s way of telling me it’s not what we should be doing”. You see, the truth is, that since my second miscarriage in 2009, I have just accepted this reality and gotten to a point where I have made myself believe that God is telling me I won’t be a mother. Every attempt we have taken since then has felt like someone else’s life. When we fostered children, although rewarding, we totally lost ourselves in it. I got to a point where I became someone I didn’t even know. It just didn’t feel like us.
I struggle with this so much. I believe in God, and I believe that he has a path for us. I have prayed and prayed about what that path should be and it’s led us here. I guess I just don’t trust myself enough to know if it’s really God, or if it’s just me.  I cried uncontrollably on the phone with my mother that night and asked her, “How do I know if God is telling me not now, or not ever…
I don’t know.

I continue to pray and hope for an answer, a clear answer.


6 thoughts on “Microblog Monday – Not Now or Not Ever

  1. Yes, I really do. I truly believe that God has prepared me my whole life to handle carrying a child that is not genetically “mine”. I could list the reasons for days. The thought of it doesn't bother me. It's mainly the pain of the previously failed cycles, the d&c's, all of that that scares me. I guess it's my lack of faith that it won't happen again…*ouch*


  2. I think it is so hard not to question what is to be or not to be in your life, especially when given such bad news (I mean, good for the them, but as you said, their joy directly impacts your potential joy and seems massively unfair). It's a shock to have carefully laid plans laid to waste like that, and in such an ironic way. I think that you do what is best for you and evaluate your choices and what you're willing to put yourself through, and weigh that with your faith. I can't really relate to the faith part myself, not being a religious person, but I can see how it would be hard not to interpret a setback like this as a sign that this is not your path. For me, after having setback after setback, I had to realize that I had reached a point where I was chasing pregnancy over parenthood and I no longer had faith in the process. It took a REALLY LONG TIME to get to that point. I still do not have a baby, but have faith that adoption will be our path. And if it's not? If we end up a family of two with really adored cats? Well, that would not be what I had envisioned but that would be okay, eventually. But I think you have to do what you can do for yourself to follow your dream, and weigh your faith in your decisions as well, but to know that at these low points it's so hard not to see things as “not meant to be.” I am thinking of you and holding you in my heart. I'm so sorry for the donor issues. I wish you so much peace.


  3. It is so hard to want information and know someone out there (the nurse) could provide it in greater detail. Because it's really about control: feeling out of control, feeling like someone else is in control or at least is more in control.


  4. I am just catching up on your blog now after you commented on mine. I can't imagine the pain you must be going through with the donor issues…we're doing our last PGS 'normal' embryo in the next couple of months and if that doesn't work we are going to pursue donor eggs. I guess I've naively assumed that the donor path would be easier…but it sounds like there are just as many challenges. Are you able to consider doing donor eggs abroad? I know there are excellent clinics in Spain that many people from the UK go to as they are cheaper and have a good supply of donors (in Barcelona in particular the culture of egg donation is quite strong apparently).


  5. Indeed it is all about control. I currently (for various reasons, caused by IF and also being in a crazy work situation in Italy) feel that most of my life is out of control. I've recently started yoga and running to get fit, and taking back that small element of control has definitely helped me cope.


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