Here.

When did we get here?

Last night I was talking with my husband (in between watching “Making a Murderer” – OMG such a good show!!!) and recapping the last 10+ years of our life together and how we got here.

Here is a place I never thought I’d be. 29 years old, married, with a home, 3 dogs, and no children. The no children thing especially. But here we are.

We talked about how emotional TTC was and how devastating our first and second miscarriage were. How everyone around us walked on egg shells and how everything was so emotionally taxing. I look back and there are huge periods of time that I don’t remember. I can only image what it must have been like for the people around me to watch the shell of people we were and how helpless they must have felt. At the time, I wanted someone to fix me, I wanted someone to say something that would make it all better.

I’m not sure when it changed exactly, and I’m sure it wasn’t all at once, but I just stopped being angry. Angry at God, angry at every pregnant woman I saw, angry at the world.

Over the past 10+ years since I met my husband it has been one of the biggest roller coaster rides I could have never prepared myself for. Job changes, time apart from each other, working different shifts and hours away from home.

There has been so many good things, mixed in with some bad, but we live and learn, and I truly wouldn’t change a thing. I know the next year of our life is going to be scary, and it’s possible we are embarking on what could be the most heartbreaking adventure of our lives, but I feel like for the first time, we are ready. We are stronger than ever, and we have an amazing support system of family and friends to guide us through.

When people used to tell me, “Everything happens for a reason”, I would get so angry I would feel like my head was going to explode. But, alas, here I sit, knowing the truth in that statement. I know how painful loss is, from funerals, to operating tables, I have experienced it first hand, but here I stand. A living, breathing, person. And I refuse to be anything less.

I can’t thank my husband enough for all of his support. He may never read this but I hope that one day, when we are on the other side of this, that he will, or that our children will, or our family, and they will know how much he has carried me through. He proclaimed that this year is for US. That we will spend more time just being together, and more time focusing on us and our marriage, and I have never heard a better idea. I swear my love for that man can only be shown in tiny amounts for the rest of our lives…I may never be able to repay him for all that he has done for me.

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2 thoughts on “Here.

  1. What a beautiful, reflective post detailing your emotional journey. I am so sorry for your losses, I can only imagine how hard it was. I'm hoping for lots of good things to outweigh the bad for you this year. Take care of yourselves x

    Like

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