Well hello there strangers! Sorry I’ve been on some what of a blogging vacation, nothing personal to my blog, just been super busy with work, life, and the rescue. We started a new blog for the rescue which I maintain so that’s been hard work.
Everything with my company’s buy out
that I wrote about previously is still up in the air. I’m at peace with it and have my ducks in a row for whatever outcome. Everything happens for a reason and this has made me take a second look. That’s all I can say for now.
My angel-versary is approaching faster than I really saw coming and although it stings a little I’ll be at a friend’s baby shower the whole weekend before and although that may sound like a bad idea it actually brings me a lot of joy. She was a fellow IF member and after 4 years of never seeing so much as a positive test after a lot of treatments she got pregnant and Baby Chase is on his way. YAY! We are actually meeting for the first time and have already prepped ourselves for what proves to be lots of happy tears that we finally get to meet face to face!
Yesterday I was talking to my husband, about infertility, our options, where I’m at with everything. I feel like we have these “monthly status update” meetings that sometimes feel like could take place in a conference room. Where we way our financial standings, pros and cons, and talk about our future children like business proposals. But hey! We do what we can with what we’ve been given. If we had the money we would go straight into IVF and not talk about it twice, but unfortunately we don’t have 20K+ to throw away at the moment.
I have learned that we are at totally different places. In all honestly I’m enjoying life, I haven’t given much thought to TTC anytime soon, and it’s been like that for almost 2 years. I have Faith that it will happen and that I’ll get some sort of sign if I should be pursuing it more than I am now, but right now I’m content with life and am in no hurry. My husband on the other hand seems to be in a much different place…he just kept telling me how he just feels like he has a hole that nothing can fill and he knows it’s because he wants children and it breaks his heart that we don’t have any, or one for that matter.
I wish I knew what to say to fill that hole, I guess I have one too I’ve just learned how to work around it. It seems a little more obvious that his hole is more in the front of his heart where I’ve learned to put mine in the back. It breaks my heart. I wish I could make him a Dad. He deserves it more than anyone I know. And that breaks my heart that I can’t provide that more than it hurts me that we don’t have children. Most days I hurt more for him than I do for myself. Maybe I’ve given up, but it’s clear he hasn’t. And that inevitably will be enough for me to risk trying again.
About 6 months ago someone told me they don’t think I’m ready for children because I tend to make it “all about me” and the spotlight would shift from me to my kid. That statement greatly upset me and I will never forget those words coming out of that person’s mouth, I guess it sits on my heart, I have a million people every day telling me how great of a mother I’ll be one day, but man it sure does only take 1 for you to doubt yourself. But let me make it clear, I would give up EVERYTHING, my sports car, my home, my Saturday nights out, for a child and everything that comes with it.
I’m doing the best I can with the life I’ve been given.
Please say a prayer. For me and all the other women in the world struggling to have their own child.