Loss of Nothing

It’s hard to say you lost something when it wasn’t even yours in the first place.

Recently, we were approached about adoption through a “would be” birth mom’s (BM) family member (the middle man). I have always said that if that was the path God intended for my life I would gladly take it. This family member of the would be Birth Mom told us that she had already been to an attorney, had made her decision, and that she had heard about us and wanted to meet us. She even told us that the BM would want us to go to her ultrasound coming up to find out what the baby was. She is due in January. So this would all move very fast. It would have been a private adoption and ideal circumstances.

For the first time in a long time I started to picture myself as a mother. I started letting myself picture a child calling me mommy, and I started focusing on my house and trying to get things done thinking that I had a lot of work to do if I was going to bring a child into our house in just a few short months.

We didn’t really tell anyone what was going on. We wanted to meet the BM first and have things more secure than they were before we told anyone. We wanted to get our life in order.

Well…allowing myself to even imagine this could happen seemed to only bring on more heartache when we found out that none of this was going to happen. Were not sure of the details but we assume from what we’ve heard that the family member was pushing the mother into this option and that the BM wasn’t even aware we existed or that her family member was making these promises to us. We thought the family member was only acting as middle man, come to find out she was just doing what she wanted and trying to do what was best for a child that wasn’t even hers.

It feels very odd. Because for the past few weeks I have thought of myself in that possibility again, something I didn’t realize I haven’t allowed myself to do in a very long time. Once again commercials with babies, baby sections in stores, and pregnant women seem to sting a little more than they have in quite some time.

Not only do I not like this feeling again but I am more than out raged that this women toyed with my life and emotions like that. I was reluctant to even consider all this because this isn’t the first time we’ve been approached about something like this (and none of these “opportunities” turned out to be genuine or worth our time and energy) and because of other issues in m life right now, but I decided to take a leap of faith and trust this woman and let myself believe for a moment that I might actually be a mother. Because regardless of where my life takes me or what is going on, I would drop everything to be a mother. I would give up more than most to give ANY child a loving home.

So I am left feeling bitter and betrayed. Like this woman took advantage of my kind nature to further her own agenda. I feel bad for the BM that she has family that medals in her life like this, and I pray that the child has a loving home wherever it may end up.

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5 thoughts on “Loss of Nothing

  1. I'm heartbroken again for you… I know that one day you'll be called mommy, and you will make the greatest mommy ever. I know you'll stay strong through this, too. I love you Lavonne!

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  2. So sorry this happened! What a way to be mislead and heartbroken at the same time! I hope it allows you to keep hoping for something to come in the future. Hope can be a tricky thing but sometimes, it's all we have to hold onto. HUGS!!
    I am featuring your blog tonight!

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  3. Hi Lavonne, I am sorry I am only reading this now. This is terrible, I am very sorry that you have to go through this. I don't know what to say really. I did not think people could be that cruel. I understand the feeling about seeing the pregnancy or baby commercials, etc…
    All I can do is send you my love and please know that I cross my fingers for you. You'll one day be a mother….. and a darn good one 🙂

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