Our History is a Ghost

It’s getting colder here. I’m wearing more hoodies and less tank tops. Although it makes me sad I can say I really enjoy fall. There is something so peaceful about summer winding down, the leaves falling, and the smell of fall in the air.

We leave for Vegas a week from Monday. I couldn’t be happier. It’s a much needed vacation for everyone involved and my mom is getting married. I won’t go to sappy on that but let me tell you, it means more than I could ever explain to see my mom happy. She has always put everyone before her own needs and now she is with someone who appreciates her and makes her laugh. And I love him too. (PS: I introduced them so I totally get props for this one.)

Today I had a “moment” I don’t have these much anymore but today hit me hard for some reason. Maybe because Halloween is coming around, which means the memories of my first pregnancy seem to creep up a little during this time of year.

Nate and I were in Subway, we were having a great day. Well this father – son was sitting behind us. Nate just kinda grinned. He is always so aware of any child in the room. He will smile and tell me how cute a little girl is, or he’ll see a little boy with his dad and I can tell his whole face lights up. God I want that for him more than anything. So when I asked why he was grinning he said, “That dad just told his son, I’m glad you didn’t have school today, I like hanging out with you, do you like hanging out with me?” And the little boy just shook his head violently to say yes. I couldn’t contain myself. Tears just started flowing.

Not only do I miss that for my husband. I hate that he can’t have moments like that with a child. But maybe even a little more than that, I miss those moments with my step-dad. Him and I used to go to dinner when I was younger when my mom would have a pampered chef party or something like that. He meant the world to me. Because my dad lived out of town he really filled in the role for my father. With the upcoming wedding I can’t help but remember all the old times and what my mom and I have been through in the past.

I am proud to say that every single one of my parents – step-parents – or “ex” step-parents and new spouses – they all get along. Just last week we were all at a cookout together. While it’s not a regular occurrence – they make it work when needed. They are all amazing people just for being able to do that. Their kids and grand kids only benefit from them being able to all put their differences aside and be social for an afternoon. And as a child who grew up loving the moment all my parents were in the same room, I am so happy that my niece gets to see that, and that they are still doing what is best for us kids.

But even with that being said, the relationships just aren’t the same. My step-dad and I barely speak and the man I used to call “dad” I feel awkward to even hug now.  When he left I felt like the past 10 years of my life with him was a lie. And his actions following only made me feel even worse and like I was never considered his child. I miss the moment when I was oblivious to his faults, and the days I felt like he was a father to me. That couldn’t be further from the truth now, but I am thankful for all the years I had with him. I guess he was just one of those people put in my life for a short period of time to help me through my dad not being there. Now he is just a friendly face that I see occasionally at a cookout.

Well then…this blog went a little differently than I had planned but I guess that’s why I write. I feel better just after putting all that out there.

Here’s to the new family that this marriage is creating ❤

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