It’s no secret (well to most) that I’ve been in therapy for the past 6 months or so. It’s something I should have done years ago. Not only because of my “traumatic childhood” to put it lightly but I always just assumed I coped with it pretty well. I mean I didn’t turn out to be a serial killer or homeless so I figure I turned out ok. I got married to a wonderful husband and have my dream job. (No joke – it’s the job that made me want to go to school for Graphic Design and it was always my goal and HERE I am 🙂
So anyways. I decided that it had been two years since the second m/c and I felt like I was still holding onto that. Along with many other parts of my past. Through therapy and a lot of tears, and talking, and even laughing, I am proud to say I’ve worked through a huge chunk of everything. While I believe there is always room for self improvement and self growth I believe I am “healed” in a way.
Today we talked about how much less bitter and angry I am. How I no longer feel hurt when someone announces they are pregnant. That I have come to an understanding that their joy does not make my potential miracle any less possible. Logically it’s not like there is a quota out there of pregnant women and if a friend announces they are pregnant that’s it – no more – it’s filled for the month. So I no longer have the sour reaction when I find out someone is pregnant. It’s a very free feeling. And as bad as I know it hurt others to be on the receiving end of it I hope they know how much it hurt me that I felt like I had lost control of my reaction to those sorts of situations. I didn’t want to feel that way. It was just the only thing I knew how to do. I hope everyone out there who has dealt with this situation with me knows how truly sorry I am. If I wasn’t there for you, or seemed angry rather than joyful, I’m sorry. What kind of person would I be if the only joys in life I could celebrate were my own. I was always happy for you, just didn’t know how to show it. And I hope that everyone understands that. I know I’ve wrote a blog like this before about people I know being able to “Step off the Ice” but in all the years of infertility, miscarriages, and treatments, it’s the one thing I regret and wish I could do over. I would do all of this over again if it meant I ended up where I am today. Stronger, happier, and more in love with my husband than ever. But the people I hurt or let down along the way…that is my biggest regret.
It brought up a past situation. The first time I got pregnant we had only been on fertility medications for 3 months. In retrospect I didn’t realize how quick that way in “IF’ land and those 3 months felt like eternity…(3 years later I understand how fast that seemed to happened) I was pretty close with a girl I had went to high school with. We talked on facebook almost daily and shared a lot. But at the time I didn’t realize her and her husband had been trying with no success. So when I announced my pregnant to her she had a less than happy reaction. She actually said some hurtful things to me and since that night we really haven’t talked since. Through my miscarriage with that pregnancy I carried a lot of resentment towards her, I was angry that she said the things she did and I carried a lot of anger for her for many years. We didn’t speak at all after that. She randomly added me to her facebook after she had her first son. Although I was happy for her I’ll admit it seemed like a little bit of a slap in the face. And once again I was angry. I gave her a few chances to apologize to me when we talked again but it never happened. After some thinking I decided to delete her again. I didn’t want to read about her new baby and I was angry that she had said the things she had and that I had a miscarriage and that she never apologized. I don’t know that she even knew how much weight I put on the words she said.
I just recently heard through mutual friends that she is expecting again. And although she will probably never read this. I hope she knows that I’m no longer angry. I understand now why you said the hurtful things you did and I can understand your reaction when someone who hasn’t been trying very long gets pregnant before you and you’ve been trying for what seems like forever. If I could talk to her again I would tell her that I’m happy for her. And I’m happy she never had to experience the things I have. And I am happy that she gets to experience the joy of having another child. I don’t even know that she would care that I was hurt, or that she even knows how bad she hurt me, or once again that she would care that she did. But I’m not angry about it anymore. And that’s all that matters to me.
Please keep a few of my fellow IF girls in your prayers. Frenchie who has BT like me who is in a roller coaster of viability scans and tests right now. And to a long friend the Infertile Nanny who just had her first u/s today and at a little over 6 weeks her bean had a perfect heartbeat of 141!
Also please keep in your prayers a few other fellow IF ladies who have recently suffered the loss of a long awaited miracle. Please pray God gives them peace and understanding through this tragedy.
I hope everyone out there has the sense of Happiness and Renewed Faith and Love that I have found.