For two years I have been in a place so dark I never thought I’d escape. I have told people for a long time that long ago when I would hear a pregnancy announcement or when I would see a woman and her big pregnant belly I used to be the one who was obnoxiously happy for them, always wanting to keep updated on every detail, making sure I was invited to the baby shower, etc.
For the past few years I have spent the majority of my time reacting poorly to all of the above. Dreading every subliminal status update on facebook that could possibly turn into a pregnancy update later, cringing when I saw someone (even on TV) with a small baby or a big pregnant belly, and crying every single time a baby shower invite came in the mail because I would have to figure out if I had the strength to be there or have to come up with some lame excuse as to why I couldn’t go and potentially let someone I cared about down.
Being my friend, or family, or husband has not been easy the past few years. Knowing that no matter how they told me or how great (and stable) I seemed at the time that any such thing could send me in to a down ward spiral. I can’t imagine living with me the past few years, tip toeing around my existence.
I am sorry for those of you that have been caught in the cross fires over the years. I am sorry for those of you who have had to deal with my luke warm to devastating responses to what is nothing but joyous news and a true blessing. However, I do not regret it. The pain and depression were very real for me and although I wish I could have never felt like that, I did, and at the time I didn’t know where to even begin with getting myself back to where I knew all along I needed to be.
I am finding it is hard to get people to understand where I am at right now. Someone told me last week, “It’s hard to believe you are all the sudden ok with all this, it seemed to happen over night.” Well…in a way, it did happen over night. Although it took two years for me to sort through my feelings and the past two years have been filled with ups and downs, I finally just woke up one day and decided I was done feeling like this. Wasting my life worrying about things that I cannot change.
The true test was when a very close friend of mine announced she found out she was expecting. It was via facebook chat so obviously my true reaction is usually hidden behind the computer screen and although I can be typing “I’m so happy for you.” I can be sitting on the other side, crying, asking God why not me. But not this time. When she told me I had nothing but pure joy in my heart for her blessing, and I did not shed one tear for my own situation. Again yesterday, a friend that has been dealing with years of infertility and treatment and never getting so much as a positive pregnancy test, finally got her very first positive test yesterday. She even sent me a picture of the test. And again, I could be nothing but happy for her.
Now it just seems to stupid that I could have ever reacted in a different way. I now am very aware that just because they are pregnant, that does not make my chances now or EVER and less likely. Them announcing their pregnancy would not take away from the day I get to announce my pregnancy, or “coming of child” as I like to call it these days.
There are so many amazing things happening in my life and like the Invisible Mother said it is hard to convey that without sounding “annoying and insincere,” but for those of you that I hold near and dear to my heart. Please recognize that I am more sincere and REAL in my reactions than I have been in a long time.
I continue to thank all the ones who have stuck by my side. You have truly been the strong ones here as you fought through this with me and walked on ice to try and be considerate of me and my feelings. I can assure you that I am on solid ground now and I want you all to step off the ice and enjoy this greener side of the grass with me.