I’ve started to write this blog a dozen times in the past couple weeks. It just never seemed right and it never got published. So this is my attempt at finally posting my internal thoughts and decisions out there for the world to see.
As you know (or maybe you don’t) we were going to start the TTC process very soon. I have been dealing with the insurance company, pharmacies, and doctors for the past 2-3 months trying to get everything lined up to start using injections. It has not been easy to say in the least. The pharmacies don’t want to bill the insurance, they want me to wait to be reimbursed, the insurance company tried to tell me my ultrasounds wouldn’t be covered although eventually they finally admitted that they are. Then after we finally had all that figured out my husband was transferred to a new mine (he is an underground miner) over an hour away and working on a different shift, so we NEVER see each other. Which obviously would make “baby dancing” much harder!
A little back story if you will…my husband has been working nights for over 4 years, and I had been working days. I finally got a night shift position at my company and we were finally working the exact same hours. We worked this shift together for 6 months, and then he was transferred to days….so as you can imagine I was infuriated. We’ve waited 4 years to be on the same shift, and as soon as we are, he is finally moved to days…and coincidentally enough, the same month that we decided to start TTC.
So anyways. If all that wasn’t enough to make me consider that maybe it just wasn’t the right time to start TTC, just a couple weeks ago I got this ginormous cyst on my ovary, which I have never had cysts before.
OK GOD – I’M LISTENING NOW!!!
The past couple months have been nothing but a huge roller coaster of yes’s and no’s and everything in between. Counseling, new friends, and tons more! I am very grateful for therapy and think that it’s a huge reason I feel the way I do right now.
We have decided that we will not be pursuing TTC right now. I feel like God has bigger plans for us and is telling us it’s just not the right time. So for now, we will just be enjoying our life as “Just Us” and see where the future takes us.
I am at peace with it all right now. As I was telling a good friend the other day. They say that when you get to Heaven you should not have any un-used gifts. That you should utilize every gift and opportunity that God gives you. Since I was a little girl I was told I would be an amazing mother, I used to take better care of my baby dolls then most kids take care of their hamsters. I would lay out outfits for her if I was going to be gone and make sure my mom would take care of her, take her every where, hold her like a real baby. My mom once got yelled at in a gas station for letting her 5 year old carry around a new baby. My mom had to pick up my doll and prove to them that I was carrying a doll in a blanket and that I was just so good at carrying my doll people thought she was real. haha!
I just know that God wouldn’t give my husband and I this gift to be amazing parents. The gift to be so good with children and to be able to pick up a screaming baby and put them to sleep, or be able to keep 5 kids over one weekend and it go off without a hitch. He just wouldn’t give us this gift, if we weren’t going to get the opportunity to utilize it at some point in our lives.
But for now, I think God has bigger plans for us. So we are going to draw near to Him and follow Him and see where this road takes us.
I will still be blog posting and I hope you will still follow me and see where life takes us, just know that the TTC talk will be at a minimum for now. I appreciate all the support for us up to this point. And I hope that when we do decide the time is right, that we will get the same support.
On another note – a good friend of mine just told me she found out she was pregnant last night. She has one son, but had three miscarriages, and I would like to send all of my prayers to her and her growing baby. I hope you all will keep her in your prayers as well. She is an amazing mother to her son and is definitely deserving of another miracle.