Stuck In the Clouds

Today has been a weird day….er….weird week. My therapist told me during our session Tuesday that after the first few sessions I may seem withdrawn or a little shaky emotional because of us bringing all these old things to the surface and learning new ways to deal with them, and that in some sense it would be like going through everything all over again. She was more than right.

I’ve gone through about every emotion humanly possible this week. Thought about my grandpa passing away, my parents divorce (mom and step-dad) ((my parents got a divorce when I was a baby and remain friends but my mom and step-dad’s marriage is the one i grew up in)), gone through the emotions of the miscarriages, and even been separately analyzing every relationship I’ve ever had. I’m tired. Going through all this in this one week is exhausting, I know I haven’t even scratched the surface too, which is scary and promising all at the same time.

It’s going to be rough, no doubt about that. In the mean time I’m having a hard time figuring out what to do with myself. I’m not sure where I stand on the TTC frontier. A huge part of me wants to get the ball rolling again but I have a small voice telling me I need to wait a few more months, go to therapy, enjoy my trip to Mexico in May, then maybe come back a little more renewed. I don’t know. Still sorting through it all.

People ask me how I’m doing…I don’t have an answer. It depends on the minute. I’m either blissfully miserable or painfully happy. It’s odd. So I just kinda keep to myself, stay close to the ones that know me best, and try to just work through all this one day at a time.

Please keep me in your prayers as I continue to fight through all this haze that has surrounded me for so many years…I feel like I’m pushing through it and if I can just get to the other side I’ll see everything a little more clearly.

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9 thoughts on “Stuck In the Clouds

  1. May will be here before long…forget about TTC for a bit, go on your well deserved trip to MX and then come back with a renewed sense of direction…that's my ass-vice! Hugs…

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  2. Wow, what an emotional week. Although exhausting and overwhelming, I hope you are able to find some peace at the end of it. Taking a TTC break to focus on your emotions (and your tan!) sounds lovely 🙂

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  3. It just sucks because I've been on a 2 year break…I'm ready to get back to it already!!! But I guess it's not up to me…a lot of things are just telling me I need to wait a couple more months, after two years, what's a couple months anyways I guess…

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  4. i hope you feel like your old self soon. i'm so jealous that you get to go to mexico! i've never been and have always wanted to go. enjoy it and take lots of pics!

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  5. LisainSK always seems to know how to say it best and even put a smile on my face at the same time!

    I am going to agree with her and one thing that I wanted to add and please know that I mean this from a good place, from deep inside my heart: Do not stop living your life. You are here in the now, alive, (even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it) a breathing, walking, talking, beautiful woman. You have to keep living your life for you and your H.

    I know it's hard and you're probably thinking “girl, you be crazy”… but in all seriousness – what do you have to lose? ((hugs)) You deserve to be happy and please remember that you matter.

    ♥ T

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  6. Love the picture, where did you find it?

    And ya, I kind of hate the “how are you” question, it is just so loaded and difficult.

    My advice would be to enjoy your trip and come back refreshed and focused. But don't beat yourself up for how you're feeling.

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  7. Thanks for all the insight and advice. I really do appreciate off of it, and that is one of the main reasons I have this blog, is to get an outsiders view on all this, sometimes we all know how it gets when we feel so twisted up in it we don't know if were making the right decisions.

    After realized that if AF starts from the plain Femara cycle when she should based on O, and then injections, I would either be right in the end of the 2WW during Mexico or the end would be like the day I went, NO thanks!!! So I think I'm just gonna wait it out and when I get back we will go full speed ahead :))

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