Today has been a weird day….er….weird week. My therapist told me during our session Tuesday that after the first few sessions I may seem withdrawn or a little shaky emotional because of us bringing all these old things to the surface and learning new ways to deal with them, and that in some sense it would be like going through everything all over again. She was more than right.
I’ve gone through about every emotion humanly possible this week. Thought about my grandpa passing away, my parents divorce (mom and step-dad) ((my parents got a divorce when I was a baby and remain friends but my mom and step-dad’s marriage is the one i grew up in)), gone through the emotions of the miscarriages, and even been separately analyzing every relationship I’ve ever had. I’m tired. Going through all this in this one week is exhausting, I know I haven’t even scratched the surface too, which is scary and promising all at the same time.
It’s going to be rough, no doubt about that. In the mean time I’m having a hard time figuring out what to do with myself. I’m not sure where I stand on the TTC frontier. A huge part of me wants to get the ball rolling again but I have a small voice telling me I need to wait a few more months, go to therapy, enjoy my trip to Mexico in May, then maybe come back a little more renewed. I don’t know. Still sorting through it all.
People ask me how I’m doing…I don’t have an answer. It depends on the minute. I’m either blissfully miserable or painfully happy. It’s odd. So I just kinda keep to myself, stay close to the ones that know me best, and try to just work through all this one day at a time.
Please keep me in your prayers as I continue to fight through all this haze that has surrounded me for so many years…I feel like I’m pushing through it and if I can just get to the other side I’ll see everything a little more clearly.