Spinning Noggin’

In the past 2 days I have read through 70 blogs. This is my first time in the ICLW and I have been reading through every blog that has been posted and commenting, sharing, etc. It leaves me totally… umm… speechless to be honest. To read about women who have been through so much more than I have, to read about women who have been exactly where I have and are where I hope to be. It’s so amazing to see what others will share and put out into the world. I think it’s such a great thing when someone can let their guard down and let complete strangers into their world. For those of you that do the same, bravo to you. You have already done so much for others that read your blog just by showing them that there are others that feel the same way.

On another note I had my second therapy session today. It was very powerful. My brilliant idea before I went was to do my make-up with my new expensive make-up thinking it would help any desire I had to burst into tears. 20 minutes into the session that went out the window and my over priced make-up was running down my face. Oh well. It felt good to cry.

What I am learning about myself and about healing is that often times we tend to say that because things turned out ok that we are ok after something bad happens. Like if our parents go through a divorce but both move on to happier marriages that it makes the divorce and the pain that you experienced at that time disappear some how. And that when others say that everything happens for a reason, they forget the part where although that reason can be good, and that good things can happen out of bad situations, the bad situation still exists. The pain and trauma from those situations are still very real. If we pretend that because it turns out ok in the end that we forget about the pain, well you can end up like me and seeing a therapist once a week (er…twice a week now after today *sigh*)

I love my therapist. She isn’t intimidating, she isn’t “cold”, her expressions when I start expressing my pain and memories of my traumatic past sometimes mean more to me than the words she says to comfort me. To know that someone else understands, that someone else can acknowledge my pain. Well isn’t that what we are all searching for. Acknowledgement and validation of our feelings. That what we are feeling doesn’t make us some crazy weirdo, but yet human…

So as I said above, I will now be seeing her once a week and going to a group session twice a week. I am fearful of crying my expensive make-up in front of a group of other women and exposing myself and my weaknesses, but I am encouraged that she continues to give me options for healing and self discovery.

Thank you to all of you who have validated my feelings, who have acknowledged my losses, my children that are no longer with me. For so many it is something they won’t even say out loud, even though that’s sometimes all I want. For someone to say that my children were real even if no one else saw them, or felt their presence the way I did.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my story. I have poured my heart and soul into this blog for quite some time, and up until recently only had like 8 “followers” and a few reads a month. Now I just hit 35 followers and my blog gets around 100 reads a day. It makes me feel good to know that the words I’m writing are not gone unnoticed. Thanks to all who take time out of there day to acknowledge me and my journey. I am eternally grateful.

PS: Thanks to all who appreciate my “About Us” page. I like the my sense of humor really came through on that page and that so many people have seen it and like it 🙂

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12 thoughts on “Spinning Noggin’

  1. Thank you so much for your lovely comment on my blog…. it's been such a wonderful experience for me to meet all you bloggers out there :)) Looking forward to sharing the journey with you xoxo

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. The blogging world can really do a different in being understood and a feeling of 'not being alone'. Best wishes on your journey!

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  3. What I think some people don't realize (those who haven't walked the walk of IF) is how powerful IF really is. The heartache, the feelings, the sadness and the relationships we build on our journey are very much real.

    I've enjoyed getting to know you and I can't wait to celebrate good news with you!

    ♥ T

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  4. Thanks for your comment on my blog, I'm glad I found yours!

    I had a session with the fertility clinic therapist a few months back, and I think I lasted all of 10 seconds before bursting out crying. She just smiled and said it happens all the time.

    I'm glad you're getting something positive out of these sessions, and look forward to hearing how the group ones go. Maybe wear your cheap make-up 😉

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  5. Lavonne, you rock. Way to negotiate your feelings and thoughts so warmly and honestly. I think it's great you are in therapy and group therapy and talking about it. You will meet women in the same boat as you and you will grow together and support one another in your journeys.

    And cry if you need to. A little black smear on a beautiful woman's face never hurt anyone.

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  6. You really encompassed so many emotions I've been wresting with this month. The good doesn't negate the pain. The desire to be understood and to touch people. I'm slowly building followers, and it is surprising how affirming it is!

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  7. I'm sorry for your losses. And I couldn't agree more about the expression form your therapist…mine is exactly the same. She says so much and comforts me immensely, just from how she looks at me.

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  8. This is my third ICLW (#47) and I really like doing it. I always find some pretty cool blogs I can relate too that I hadn't found before. It really is a brilliant way to kind of bring the community together. I'm glad you've found a therapist who you like and think will benefit you. And your dogs are really cute 🙂

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