No Plan At All

With 2011 shortly around the corner everyone is talking about starting new steps in their fertility journey. It feels as though everyone I know that isn’t already pregnant is resorting to IVF. *sigh* I wish we could afford IVF. Financially it’s just not in the cards right now. We have been on a “plan” and we are working at paying off stupid debt that we racked up early in the relationship when the economy was booming and we though that “the next check” could just pay it all off. Unfortunately that “next check” got less and less and the minimum payments got more and we got behind. Luckily I have been on a strict budget and we are finally sitting comfortable again and we are on the right track to have the majority of our debt paid off this time next year. Once we do that maybe we can look into IVF options. But the thought of IVF scares the bajeezus out of me because I know we have to have pre-genetic screening for my Chromosome Translocation and the odds are significantly reduced after an embryo has been “tampered” with. I keep thinking if we were millionaires we would have our baby by now. Of course then I watch G&B and realize that money can’t buy a baby. That regardless of how much IVF you do it may not work. You can’t MAKE yourself pregnant, it just happens.

Which brings me to my next point. We have lots of things planned for next year. Some home renovations, including new carpet and re-doing one of our spare rooms into a master closet/dressing room for me (thanks to my BFF Megan for the idea) A roadtrip to Chicago to see my favorite band twice in one weekend with my bestie (thanks again for the awesome idea) A trip to Mexico in May for my best friends wedding at a very nice resort that is all paid for by her amazing in-laws and herself. We have a surprise trip planned for later in the year that will be disclosed at a further time. And it seems as though the year is already flying by and it’s not even here yet.

So I ask myself if I can continue to wait, if I can continue to not try and just let whatever happens, happen. I believe in God and all that comes with that. So I have come to a point that I’ve realized whether I am spending thousands of dollars, or just getting my free prescription of metformin, no matter what I do, I can’t control the outcome. So why spend tons of money and effort “trying” when I can just enjoy my life and wait for what God has planned for me.

So can I continue to wait? Yea…I think I can. Like I’ve said before, there are days that will be harder than others, and there will be days where the pain from not being a mother or knowing I am trying everything in my power to be a mother will be so much I can’t breath. But those times are fewer and further between than they used to be. The gut wrenching pain now seems like a dull ache. Like a pesky poke in my side. And I continue to find the positive and be optimistic that one day we will be parents.

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and a great New Year. It’s going to be a busy week for us so I plan on seeing you all next year. Thanks for the year of memories and support. I couldn’t have done it without the love and support from everyone. I owe you more than I could ever repay.

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