I am…Yet I’m Not

Today has been such an odd day emotionally. I’ve been kinda up and down all day. But silently. Not crying, not overjoyed, just being…If I lived near an ocean today is where I would have just found a quiet chair with an umbrella with a cool breeze and sat there and stared at the sky. Not talking to anyone, not doing anything. Just sitting in silence with only the sound of the waves and wind to keep my ears company…

Like I said it’s not that I’m sad, or that I’m not sad. It’s just one of those days. A lot on my mind but nothing on my mind at the same time. One of those days where I don’t know if I want to be strong, but I can’t imagine being weak again…

With Christmas coming I am looking forward to spending time with my family. It seems as though when I’m with them I don’t think about anything else besides how happy I am that it seems as though the family I lost years ago in my mom and step-dad’s divorce has been put back together. A little different, a few less people, and a few added. But amazing none the less.

I think of my father-in-laws early Christmas morning before the sun comes up since we get to be the ones to wake everyone up. Seeing my nieces little faces glow next to the Christmas tree while the rest of the house is dark.

And then going to my dad’s and spending time with them watching my little brother open up every single toy he got and watching Nate play with them and enjoy them as much if not more than my little brother.

Then I think of ending the day with my mom and that part of our family. Seeing my niece open up her presents for the first time, watching my mom tear up (as she inevitably does every year) at what she receives from all of her kids. That joy in my mother’s face and seeing how proud she is of all of us makes life worth living.

The thoughts of a childless Christmas rarely push through when you are as filled with love as I am for our family. But that doesn’t mean I don’t long for the day that Nate and I can watch our own child on Christmas and add to our already amazing family…all I know is, when we do have a child, they will be so amazingly blessed. I think that’s the thought that comes to me more now. That of one the reasons I am sad is because I feel as though our unborn children are missing out on such an amazing life filled with people who love them already, before they are ever conceived.

I am ready to go home and cuddle up to my husband and remember all the reasons why I continue to trust in God to take care of us and continue to do what is best for us…


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