Tomorrow would have been my second angel’s first birthday (or around that since that was my EDD) It’s hard to believe at this point that I could have a one year old. In my life of selfishness, shopping, and working like crazy, and sleeping, and an occasionally going out, it’s hard to imagine my life with a child right now.
And then I think…maybe that’s why I don’t. Maybe God knew I needed this time. To be selfish. To have fun with my husband acting our age. Going out with friends, spending our money on stupid stuff and living off Mac-n-Cheese for a week. I mean isn’t that what life is made of? The times when you were selfish, reckless, and care free. Although I still have stress from bills and managing a home and my job, but overall I can sleep all day before work if I want to, and I can live off Mac-n-Cheese and not have to worry about anyone but myself and my husband.
Would I trade ALL of that for a child? Of course. But am I going to give all of that up because I am so stricken with grief I can’t enjoy my life? Absolutely not! If everything happens for a reason, and this is the reason, I hate to have lost my child in vein. Only to waste away this time, making the time when I am a mom less because I missed out on the times like this that shape me to be who I am.
Last night when I get home from work (the hubby is currently on his seasonal lay-off) hubby was sitting on the couch and when I went to give him a kiss he pulled from under the blanket “Despicable Me”, I put my PJ’s on and we started the movie. Only to realize we were hungry. So at 2 a.m. (I work nights) we drove to McDonald’s in our PJ’s and slippers to go through the drive through and order some food and go home and eat while we watched the movie. It was a perfect night. Just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy this time we have. It doesn’t make us any less in love. And it definitely does not mean I can’t watch animated movies. 😀
I have waited a long time to feel like this. I have dreamed of the day I would feel content again with my life, child or not. I still pray for a miracle. But I don’t pray for now, or even tomorrow. Just when it’s time that I carry a healthy child to term, and that we have a good foundation started for our child to have a long and happy life.
I am happy.
Damn that feels amazing to say out loud…
Happy Birthday! Mommy loves you. And I hope you are proud of who I am and you know that losing you has helped me be the person I am today. And that you are waiting for me up in Heaven. We’ll be together again one day…