Well tonight I used my breaks at work to submit my story to the Faces of Loss blog. It is the first time in a long time that I took the time to write down my complete story, from start to end…well whatever “end” were currently at. It is nice to look back and reflect. It’s weird how my heart can feel the exact same pain two years later. I have been commended for how I have dealt with everything, I have been told I am holding onto something I shouldn’t be, and I have been told that people can’t imagine being in my position and handling it the way I have. I have mixed emotions depending on what day it is.
A friend of mine told me once I have child the details will seem like a distant memory and I won’t even remember the dates I do now…I don’t know how I feel about that at all. Obviously if I have a child I don’t want to “dwell” by any means. And I plan to be completely thankful for whatever blessing I might receive. But I also am a firm believer that everything I’ve been through is going to make me a better wife, mother, and person in general. So for that, I hope I never forget. But I guess that’s the line we all try to find. The very thin line between dwelling and forgetting.
I believe I no longer dwell in what was my past. I believe that I only look forward to my amazing future no matter who or what is in it. And I believe that I am a stronger person and a better person for all that I have endured.
I am at the point now where I want to be a voice for the women going through what I did. I want them to know what they are feeling, or not feeling for that matter is normal. I have considered checking out some local support groups in my area or speaking to a therapist about starting a group for women who have experienced infertility/loss. I want to use my experience to better someone else’s. I was blessed to find some women on a website years ago that although all but 1 of them has had a child now, they are there for all the good moments and bad for me. When I’m optimistic and energetic about this process, and when I am in the worst of moods complaining about everything that life throws my way. I want to be that person for other women. I believe that if I knew someone who had been through what I had here close to me, someone I could go grab coffee with, or someone without a child that was still longing for one and experiencing heartache, that maybe I would have found myself sooner. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt like such a freak and outcast in this world that seems to be oblivious to all the women out there that are struggling to have children of their own. 4 out of every 10 pregnancies are ended in abortion in the U.S. while millions of other women are searching for their miracle. Why hasn’t the gap been filled? Why are there still so many women who don’t know about what is going on in their own bodies, who don’t feel comfortable demanding a doctor hear their concerns, or millions of men who are forced to stand in waiting rooms while their wives have ultrasounds in emergency rooms scared alone?
One of my new goals is to start doing something. I don’t know what it is going to be yet. But it’s going to be SOMETHING! I am not going to sit back and continue to wish that someone would be the voice for my pain. I am going to be my own voice.
Any suggestions, or advice, or any other websites, support materials you know of please let me know…
I have also put two “badges” on the right side of my profile for the faces of loss blog, and the “I Am the Face” Campaign. Please go check it out and be a supporter. If you have experienced loss please tell your story and put a face with the pain that many women experience.