Foe! But never the less she is here. After 6 months of not seeing her AF is here. She is totally kicking my butt too. But I suppose that’s bound to happen when you don’t have her for half a year. Now of course my head goes spinning out of control. Is this from the metformin? Maybe from trying to lose weight and eating healthier? Is she going to start coming more regularly…but then I pull myself into reality. The reality is that before the RE, before ALL of that. She only came three times in a year. Which is why I went to the RE to begin with. So I doubt this is the start of a new trend. Oh well…I’m ok with that. I know I’m trying to lose weight and focus on our finances still and we will stick to our game plan of trying again when we feel we have reached some other goals.
But it’s nice. That I didn’t take Provera and put myself through that. And that she showed on her own. It is the small things I guess that give me hope…
I struggle with trying to keep hope and PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) and the difference between that and getting my hopes up. And while most would say at the very young age of 24 (yes I know I’m a baby) and I still have a LONG time to “try” and become a mother. Most can’t say that most 24 year olds have endured what I have. And endured it with grace. Because I believe I have.
Which leads me to my next thought…I sacrificed my marriage, friendships, and myself among other things in order to TTC. When I finally stopped and realized what was going on I said I would never do that again. I would never sacrifice the life I have for the life I want. Because everyone knows what we want is not always what we need. And knowing that although I’m mature I still have a lot to learn, I don’t want to look back when I’m 30 and regret a failed marriage, or lost friendships because I turned into a bitter lonely bitch.
This weekend I was confronted with someone I am very close to telling me they are actively “trying” to have a child. For the first time EVER I voiced my opinion and said “That is a really stupid move” Because of the situation this person is in, I couldn’t believe they would openly admit they were trying to add to the struggle they have been facing. Without mentioning much more in fear of someone I know reading this and thinking that I am “bad mouthing” someone. I will simply say. I would NEVER sacrifice another child’s well being to have another. And I would NEVERRRR try to have a child when my husband continued to lie to me and have money “disappear” out of my bank account from him with no explanation to where it went, or lying about his whereabouts on a weekly basis, among other things.
This is where usually things I think aren’t something I voice. Trust me I wanted to say much more. And then as I had time to think about it, I realized this was another person I had to mentally prepare myself for. Someone who could potentially be announcing a pregnancy. And I would have to prepare myself and cushion my reaction….*sigh*
I wish I could be 17 again sometimes. When I used to think that having sex right after period was the only time you could get pregnant, or when I thought going to the bathroom afterwards would somehow prevent me from getting pregnant….little did I know….sometimes I feel that knowledge is my worst enemy when it comes to my infertility.
Sorry for the randomness of this post and kinda jumping around. AF has my emotions in quite a hissy. I’ll be fine very soon! Thanks for reading! XO