Sons of Anarchy

Ok so I’m a huge SOA fan. I watch it religiously every Tuesday night via DVR when I get home from work at 1:30 am. (Well actually 2:30am when hubby gets home) Although it’s always hard to wait for him. haha! Anyways!!!
About 3/4 through this season Tara revealed she was pregnant. There was a couple episodes that she talked about not keeping it because her and her beau Jax were on the rocks. I feared I would have to stop watching the show after that because obviously I would be upset. (yes people I know it’s a show)
Well she ended up keeping it and after a traumatic experience (she was held hostage and put in a trunk) they took her to the hospital to get an u/s. They showed the baby and showed her the strong heartbeat and Jax just held her hand and leaned down to kiss her. I looked at my husband and just simply said “I am afraid we’ll never get that moment.”  *sigh*
See our u/s experiences have never been good. Months and months of follicles that weren’t big enough. Followed by my very first u/s with my very first pregnancy being in an ER u/s room where because we were there in the middle of the night and the u/s tech was alone wouldn’t allow my husband in the room with me. Just to wait two weeks to see a bean measuring the exact same size as two weeks before. Then 5 months later an u/s of a little embryo that once again was too small with no heartbeat. There has yet to be an ultrasound room to give me good news.
Then again in Target today we were looking at an outfit for my niece (11 months old) that I’m taking for pictures with Santa this weekend and when we walked by the baby stuff I saw this little giraffe that when I touched it started playing a lullaby. Without even thinking I told my husband my biggest fear was probably that I would never have a reason to have a lullaby giraffe in our house, or get to plan a nursery, or pick out cute outfits for our kids. Of course he replied with “Ya know my biggest fear is when you START buying for our kids” meaning – he jokes that I will have to take out a second mortgage to afford our kids clothes because I LOVE to shop. haha! He always knows how to make me laugh. 
I have just found myself lately voicing my fears more openly to my husband and others. I don’t cry. I’m not mad or upset. I just say them. I just noticed today that I’m becoming more accepting of the fact that I may have to decide what my world is going to look like without kids. And instead of being angry or bitter. I voice my fears of this process. And I move on. Am I scared to death that I will never see what my husband and I look like together? Am I terrified that I will never get to see my husband cry tears of joy as he cuts our babies chord and rushes out to the waiting room to our family? Of course. But those fears no longer control me, or define me. And that…is something I thought I’d never be able to say.

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