October 15th, 2010

Although I’m writing this at 2:30 in the morning I still consider today Friday the 15th because I work nights, and it’s still my Friday.

October 15th is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day…I never thought I’d be able to feel empowered by a day like today. But I have. It has been almost two years since I was last pregnant. I can’t believe it’s been so long. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday. I had decided recently knowing this day was coming that I would not let this day be an excuse to be sad or let it get me down. That instead this would be a day to celebrate the life that my husband and I created, and reflect on how losing that has strengthened us. So this morning when I woke up. I took a moment. I prayed and Thanked God for all that he has done for my husband and I. Got up, washed my face, and looked in the mirror. And took a moment just to reflect on everything that has happened the past two years.

I have run the mill on emotions. I have felt everything from sadness, to anger, to pure hatred for everything we’ve been through. But now. I only feel peace. I now know that I was never being punished, only tested. And that all the things that people said were true. That it would get better, that I would heal, and that one day, I would forgive God for putting us through this. Up until now was I able to admit how angry and bitter I had become. It had taken over everything in my life.

I never thought I would be able to be this person again. For what seemed like forever I said on numerous occasions, “Someone please flip that switch back” The switch that made my heart flutter instead of sinking to my stomach when a friend announced a pregnancy. The switch that would make me look forward to shopping for a baby shower. Or the switch that would help me stop crying every time I left a young child’s birthday party wondering why I was mourning a anniversary of a loss instead of planning a nursery or planning a first birthday party.

As I said to a dear friend earlier today I am purely speechless when I realize how far I’ve come. When I realize that I truly have healed and that I not only have reasons to look forward to the future, but none of those reasons hinder on whether or not I have a child. It rests solely on me. And I can control that to some degree. For the first time in years I feel like I have control over my emotions. It is an empowering and humbling place to be….


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