Feelings Falter, Reasons Don’t

Tonight I found out (via Facebook) that yet another friend of mine is expecting. The number of friends I have that aren’t expecting or don’t have kids dwindles with each passing day. Now for anyone that knew me just a few months ago (well I’m still me, just not the same me ya know) know that this kind of thing could have sent me into a downward spiral. Instead I took a deep breath. I just took a minute to remind myself that the reasons i don’t “need” kids right now haven’t changed – and that the reasons I was content with my life moments before I knew were still there and that no matter how bad that urge is to be a mom – that the urge to be myself right now is still stronger. Of course moment of self pity and reflection shortly follow but overall I feel like it was kind of an outer body experience. Like I was hovering about this woman that I wasn’t sure when she had taken over the ball of emotions that used to sit in her place

So here I sit. Next to my hubby while he plays Modern Warfare on the Xbox wondering why my eyes haven’t failed me yet. I think I’m slightly jolted from my brush with what used to be an emotionally draining experience. What could have been only turned into a refreshing reminder of just how far I’ve come. We had an amazing night decorating for my mother-in-law’s wedding tomorrow and I can’t wait to see everyone tomorrow. I truly am blessed with an amazing family. Life is good. Even when it’s a little rough, still good.

God has blessed me in many ways…He never gave up on me and for that I’m eternally grateful. That also goes for the countless words and hugs given by friends, family, and even strangers. Although you may have felt that those were enough. That is what got me through. Thank You!


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