Fade Star Fade

Well I’m officially on a break. It is a lot harder than I expected. I suspect I ovulated last week but due to some extenuating circumstances I know that there was nothing there to catch the eggie.

The thought of TTC not being a part of my life is very hard. It feels like there is going to be this piece of us missing for a while. And I know all around us there will still be women getting pregnant, having babies, having their dreams come true. Unfortunately just because we go on a break does not mean the rest of the world does. Unfortunately…

In the past week I have heard of a girl in Maryland who is pregnant with her third child and has thrown around the option of adoption a few times. Then my step mom’s coworker has a new grandson that she is taking care of because the mother has no interest in raising him. We offered to look into adopting him but I think the grandma is pretty set on keeping him with her. Then out of the blue, a girl messaged me on the support website I am on and asked if adoption was ever something we looked into. She said that she has two girls and is pregnant with her third and has yet to find a family that she feels would be a good fit for her child. We have messaged back and forth and I have given her some background information but overall she doesn’t say much and I am not sure what her intentions are. I was optimistic at first and checked my account like every hour to see if I had a message from her but now I’ve discovered she is talking to at least one other girl on the same website and has been for a few weeks. I have always left adoption on the table for us because I know how many children there are out there that need good loving homes. But the truth is I think adoption is potentially scarier than actually TTC our own. This girl has messaged me and from the very first message got my hopes up. And everything is in her power. She never even said that she wanted us to adopt her child but just the potential of us being parents is enough to get us excited. But once again a child can be taken away from us before it’s even here. I don’t have the energy to cry. I don’t have the energy to get my hopes up and fall again. I am going to distance myself from this girl now and see what happens. If she truly feels a pull to Nate and I then hopefully she will contact me. If not, then I need to forget it even happened.

The internal need to be a mother is so strong I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to truly give up. I want to so bad it hurts. I want to forget this deep urge in my bones to carry my own child, to ever hear someone call me mom. In my life I have come across a few couples who don’t have children, come to find out they tried for years and endured much heartache and yet still, have no child. And they are at a point where they have accepted this is their fate and they have moved on. I long for that feeling. Even at the age of 23 I want to forget this dream, I want to move on. For some who have no idea what I’m going through this may sound absurd and a premature feeling to have. But after everything we’ve been through, I can not only grasp the thought of every having to go through another loss, I can’t imagine another minute of this. Ever day that we don’t have a child to call our own I feel more and more like a failure. So although they say it is good to dream and hope, I feel as though keeping those dreams and hopes is only making me feel like that much more of a failure.

They say stars
They say they fade
For me they never quite do
Only get brighter and
I only get more blinded by the light
I see other stars
Other people reaching them
Holding them close
As I stand at a spot that seems so far
I can’t understand why the star is so bright
Please star, shoot away
Go far from me
Let me sit in the darkness

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