Well on 1/20 in the afternoon I started. CD1 for me…I can’t say this was the easiest I ever took it. For some reason I wanted it so bad this month. I’m still trying to figure out why it was so hard. This month was no different than the previous …filled with dissapointment.

A lot of girls on BG really wanted it for me this month, they all just “knew” I was pregnant. Maybe this month was harder because I felt like I let them down…those girls have always been so supportive of me. Sending me flowers after my m/c, sending me emails to just let me know they are thinking of me. For once I would like to repay them with some good news. And not always having to feel like they have to tiptoe around my feelings because I am the only one in the group that isn’t having/had a kid. For once I’d like to be part of the “herd” not stand out in a group…never have I wanted so badly to not be unique.

At 23 I saw myself a lot of places and this was definitely not one of them. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. Some people are born to be chefs, or secretary’s, or a trophy wife, I was meant to be a mom. I felt it the first time I got a baby doll. I still remember it like yesterday. I changed her clothes every day when I changed mine, I took her every where, I was her mom. As soon as I was old enough I offered to babysit for anyone who had a small child. I longed to be a caretaker for a little miracle. My mom always thought she scared me by telling me her story of how she lost her virginity and got pregnant with me in the same night. But she doesn’t know I always secretly wished the same would happen to me. Although I knew I was much to young I knew that no matter what I would be a great mom. I was born prepared to deal with the challenges of mother hood, I never prepared myself for the journey there…

Nate and I have decided to put our dreams on hold for a while. We both want to have a healthier active lifestyle. And we want to do some things around our house that have yet to get done in the two years of us living there. We have other dreams and goals that need to step forward at this point. Goals that we know we can reach that can boost our moral a little. Make us feel like we’ve accomplished something other than heartache.

I am going to continue to focus on my weight loss. I lost 4.4 lbs last week which was a great start and I can’t wait to see what I did this week. I know it won’t be as great because it is the second week and because AF had me a little down so I maybe didn’t track my food like I should have. But I’m still confident that I lost some weight and getting one step closer to that goal.

I am very lucky, no matter what I will never lose sight of that. I am surrounded by many amazing people who would sacrifice so much for me just to have a child. I have been told that if someone could get pregnant just by people wanting it for them and praying for them, it would have already happened. That is one of the greatest compliments to myself and how I am preceived to people and it makes me proud that I am that great of a person that people who say things like that. It’s stuff like that that keeps me from totally giving up…


One thought on “Crash….

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