Well yesterday was my D&C. I got up and got my shower, got Nate up and ready, and headed in. When I got there I was like a robot signing papers and answering all the medical questions they need to know that seem totally irrelevant. Then we waited in the pre-op room. There we joked and laughed trying to make it as normal as possible. The anesthesiologist and Dr Henry both came in and spoke with us. I also asked Dr Henry one more time if he could at least TRY to send in the tissue for testing. He said he would try. I kissed Nate and told him I loved him and headed back to the surgery room. It didn’t hit me until I laid on that table and I lost it. All the tears I had been holding back ran down my face. It wasn’t long before I fell asleep.
I had a hard time waking up from the anesthesia. They said that usually if you are in a bad emotional state before you go under that can affect how you wake up. I came home and slept most of the day.
I’m really at a loss for words. There isn’t much for me to say that hasn’t been said already. I hurt, we hurt, we wanna know why. Unfortunately time is about the only thing that is going to heal that. So we just continue to ask for that time. And that space to heal.
I know people are trying very hard to find the right words but it would be better I think if they just told us they couldn’t find the words and leave it at that. Sometimes out of desperation comes the wrong words. No we don’t have any answers on why this happened so please don’t ask. They were able to send the tissue off for testing but they don’t know if it will be enough to get any answers. If it isn’t we will just have to keep living and not knowing. We have been reassured by the Dr that there was nothing we did or didn’t do to cause any of this. Unfortunately these things can just happen. He said he has no doubt in his mind that we will be able to carry a healthy full term pregnancy. They were glad to see that this pregnancy actually resulted in an embryo instead of just an empty sac. That gives us hope. We may never know what went wrong. We just have to find the strength to move on and eventually one day, we will try again.
Once again thank you to all of you who have reached out to us and sent us your love and support. We are very lucky to have such wonderful people surrounding us. And please remember that talking to us and telling us you don’t know what to say is better than just not talking to us at all. We need everyone now more than ever.
I’m hoping yesterday we got some closure and we can start to rebuild our lives…just one day at a time…