This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to write. I felt like I owed everyone an explanation. Maybe I don’t, but I feel like I have to say something. I have had an out pouring of love and support just from people seeing my status messages and I didn’t want to leave them hanging or worrying about me.
Unfortunately Nate and I should be announcing that we are 8 weeks pregnant. But at my appointment on May 1st, we did get to see our baby, unfortunately there was no heartbeat and the Dr said that it measured too small and had probably stopped growing just a few days before the appointment. This is so much harder than the first one because this time there was something in there. Last time it was just a sac, and that’s where it had stopped. This time we saw our little angel. We both got to have a brief moment of joy when we saw it, it was just short lived when the nurse left to go get the dr because she couldn’t find a heartbeat. If I never see that look on my husband’s face again it will be too soon. He sank in the chair next to me. All I could do was sob and ask Why Us?
I’m really not sure where we go from here. I feel as though our world has been turned upside down once again. We were finally starting to get back to normal, well as normal as it gets I guess, and we were totally blind sided. We thought this time was going to be different.
Next Monday we will officially say goodbye to our angel.
I find myself at a total loss for words. Anything I would usually say to make sense of it all just doesn’t seem to work right now. And any kind of progress I make on mending my heart is useless because Monday it will all be undone when I go into surgery again.
Thank You to those of you who have reached out to me already. I do appreciate it, I just hope you’ll understand if I don’t have the energy to respond.