Righteous Perish

What is it about death that makes us want to get our affairs in order and tell every single loved one just how much they mean to us. I guess it’s because we get these brief moments of time where everyone is fine, there is no death, no sadness, just life. Then on occasion we are slammed in the face with the reality that we all must leave this world some day. And that we do not have control over when it is.

My step-mom’s sister in law passed away at 1:30 am this morning after a long battle with strokes and brain surgeries. She was 32. Seems much to young to leave this world.

It’s times like these that I realize just how much my past experiences with losing the ones I love has affected me. At the age of 22, I have lost more people than I care to remember. I believe the change started when I lost my grandpa. Ever since then it is hard for me to go to funerals. It usually makes me physically ill and I can quickly go into an anxiety attack. I usually find it hard to cry because I feel like the tears are a waste of energy. They don’t do anything. They are just there. I don’t have the capability of accepting anyone’s sympathy. When people send me messages or texts telling me how sorry they are and they are here for me, I don’t really understand. I feel like I don’t need anyone here for me, like I’m fine. I feel like those sympathy wishes and prayers should be saved for the people that need it more. I feel heartless…

I loved Melissa dearly. I felt like she was one person on that side of the family that accepted me into the family…I guess because we both were married into the family, not there by blood. Her and her husband were always so nice to Nate and I. We always felt apart of the family with them…so why is it I don’t feel like I deserve to be sad. Why is it that I always feel like there are only certain people that are allowed to be sad when a certain person dies, and I am never one of them.

When the truth is my heart hurts and I feel the pain from losing her just like anyone else…

melissa and i at my bridal shower

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