Well I went to my first baby shower since my miscarriage. I had ran into another online blog the other day and I think she said it best
“I think the most selfish thing a person could do is turn someone else’s blessing into something about THEM. I mean REALLY! How selfish can you be that the only blessing you can celebrate…are your own.”
I told myself that the whole day as I mentally prepared to go to the baby shower. Because you see this was no normal “friend of a friend” type baby shower. It was for my sister in law. So I knew that I would be seeing the family members and they would all be talking about the new edition to the family, and knowing that I should be 5 months pregnant with my own edition.
I haven’t seen my sister in law since around Christmas time, maybe a little after. So the minute I walked through the door I was confronted with her large belly. It’s especially obvious because she is so tiny and petite. I smiled and said hello and gave her a hug. I then sat at a table next to a good friend of mine who is herself very tiny and petite and very obviously a few months along herself. The next two hours were filled with games about babies, a basket full of baby stuff that I was supposed to remember, and then watching her open lots of wonderful little girl gifts. Including the one from me with a giraffe blanket and matching outfit. So adorable. I love shopping for babies…
Now the one part that is missing from that quote from another blogger, and I feel like is the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to convey to anyone. Is that I truly am happy for anyone who gets to experience the miracle of a child. I think every girl should get to experience how it feels to see that first positive on a home pregnancy test, the joy of telling the family, and the beauty of the first ultrasound. I truly believe that their baby shower, birth, etc should be all about them and they deserve to be the center of attention. But the one thing I can’t seem to convey to anyone, especially Nate, is that the pain I feel fearing that I may never experience those same things is more than I can bear. And while I don’t make their moments something about me, their moments are a reminder to me of the struggles I have experienced.
I try to tell myself that I’m ok not having kids, that I’m still young and that there are other things I should be worrying about right now. until I hold a baby. There was a little boy at the shower yesterday, with these beautiful little eyes. I offered to hold him while his mom got cleaned up and ready to feed him. He was such a good baby, so adorable. And it was a reminder. A reminder of how much I want the same thing.
I cried the whole way back to Nate’s dad’s. Then I cried the whole way to my friends house with Nate after we left his dads. I’m not even sure why I was crying. I just knew I needed to.
Well…this was that first baby of the “season” and there are a few more to come. I only hope they get easier.
Day 3 of my Femara. Hot flashes seem to be the only thing I experience with it. Which whatever, not that bad. I go in next Tuesday for my ultrasound. Seems like forever away.
Well time for me to get off this computer and do some house work. Maybe make Nate and I a little breakfast.